An earlier version of this post spelled it “Wunderlic.” Unfortunately, that cannot be attributed to alcohol. Bro Jackson regrets the error.
Guess who has two thumbs, got wasted at 8 a.m. Wednesday, and took the Wonderlic? 1 I know what you’re thinking. “Shane, seriously, did you get wasted at 8 a.m. just to take the Wonderlic?” Actually . . . sorta. Last night I got supremely high and scored a 12 on the Wonderlic, so it made me ponder what I could do while I was wasted. Since I’m one of those people without a real day job, I took it upon myself to let the high wear off, and then I plowed headlong into a bottle of organic vodka.
If you want the spoiler: I scored a 26 on the Wonderlic after drinking 750 ml of 80 proof organic vodka. I’m honestly not even sure how I’m sitting at my computer right now, because I just took this test, so bear with me as my laptop’s spell check attempts to coalesce this into something meaningful.
The long and short of it: This fucking test doesn’t have anything to do with football. I have never taken a Wonderlic, so I just assumed it would be pattern recognition, or at least something remotely puzzle-based. Naw. Fuck that. Roger Goodell would never stand for something that made sense. Instead his minions are tasked with giving barely educated NCAA “student” athletes a test that they have no chance of passing.
I don’t like Taylor. Taylor is the sort of bitch that doesn’t plan shit out. She should have really just chilled the fuck out on what her oil choice was. I just drank $19 worth of vodka, so I’m obviously not the type of person who gives a fuck about saving $10 on gas, according to the oil I choose. Her “friend,” meanwhile, is probably just her secret lover. I bet they’re pulling over at the shady motels and doing nasty stuff on camera. I bet they have a website, I bet they do. I just spent like five minutes of this test daydreaming about lesbians at a roadside motel. Do you see why this test is useless now? I can’t think about math when I’m thinking about lesbians on a webcam.
Hey Ben, look dude, I don’t want to sound preachy here–but you need to get a fake handicapped tag. Go to Kinkos, and just make yourself one. You’re paying way too much for parking, and now I have to call you an asshole for not pretending to be handicapped. If you don’t already know who Ben Liebman is, he’s a writer here – and he’s also trying to figure out what to pay for parking. Y’all just keep putting your problems on me, and it’s bullshit. LET ME LIVE, DAMMIT.
Kim Kardashian has seen ALL THE DICKS. Yes, she knows Tim. I’m assuming we mean Tebow. I bet her slutty ass converted him over from Jesus. He needs to paint “Kim 3:16″ in his eye-black now.
I just thought this was a really fucked up question. Leave my rug alone. Leave the rug where it is. Stop fucking rearranging my furniture, especially while I’m taking a standardized test. I didn’t even need the “blank” in that sentence. “Leave the rug where it is.” That’s a complete sentence. If someone comes over to my house, and starts messing around with my rugs, I’m not going to struggle with “lying/laying” – I’m going to struggle with kicking them in the head. Leave my shit alone. Goddamn.
Take it how you will, Bears fans. Your quarterback got the same score on the Wonderlic that I scored, and I can barely even see right now. I’ve had the hiccups for the past 15 minutes of attempting to write this. I’m singing along to the Spice Girls right now – that’s how smart Jay Cutler is. The man running your offense is about as intelligent as deciphering a route tree, as I would be, drunk as fuck, singing “Say You’ll Be There.” You know, I’m starting to see why Cubs fans are masochists.
This fucking test sucked. Not just because I’m drunk, but because I think it preys upon people from lower socio-economic backgrounds. Of course that fucker . . . uh . . . who was that asshole with the beard who played for the Bills, and he played for Harvard too . . . fuck . . . uhm . . . RYAN FITZPATRICK. OK, so he nailed the Wonderlic, but he basically sucks, and on one cares. Meanwhile, I think I came close to Peyton Manning, and I’ll be lucky to put socks on in a moment.
Bonus mosh: The other clubhouse results.
I took it earlier, but I think I might have been cheating. I used the calculator on my computer. That did help a little. I don’t want to say what I got, but let’s just say that Vince Young and I have more than our love of birthday parties in common.
Took the full version on my computer, time expired and it restarted without giving me a score. This is why football and tests related to it are fucking stupid.
I got 25. Big Ben. Which is interesting because I went to the college where he may or may not (he did) have unlawful relations with that girl in the club bathroom. I was like two years removed from the town when that happened. That time limit is killer though. I looked up and had only answered 30 questions and had like a minute left so I just guessed at as many as I could.
I got 27. Only answered 32 or 33 questions. This proves this test is a joke because the time is the biggest enemy, not knowing the material. These questions are basically ACT-level and easy but being forced to answer in such a limited time is ridiculous. As someone who has tutored in standardized testing, it definitely doesn’t measure knowledge or comprehension. Which is why I’m glad the SAT is undergoing some major revisions. But that said, screw the Wonderlic and anybody who clowns an athlete for their score. That test gives a lot of cover for the dumb athlete stereotype and usually targets black athletes
Don’t take the full version on your phone, you’ll run out of time and end up with the same score as Tim Tebow like I did.
Well well well. I got a 28. I am Peyton Manning. I saw on ESPN.com the other day that I am also Johnny Manziel. 2
Having said that, THAT WAS TERRIFYING. IT WAS THE WORST.