Now that Bash-Brother-turned-Twitter-savant Jose Canseco has decided to take a break from tweeting theories on ancient gravity’s affect on dinosaur blood-flow, or petitioning for a professional baseball tryout to rekindle his MLB career, the future 102nd ballot Hall of Famer has time for some simpler things in life. Like Twitter feuds with Shaquille O’Neal.
hey pussy @shaq
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 5, 2013
From Canseco’s point of view, Shaq started it back in 2011 when the big man first challenged Canseco to step in the ring with him. Hey, Jose. Low blow, man. Shaq wasn’t a Twitter veteran yet. He was just starting to get used to this whole being out of the spotlight thing. Ease up. You can’t re-challenge him to physical contests for the fame-waning just yet. Even if it’s your ‘roided out version of “Dancing With the Stars.” He’s not gonna take you up on it. He’s not desperate enough.
Although Shaq’s been relegated to trash-talking his free-throw percentage in Buick commercials–I’ll believe Buicks are cool when Prince gets in one–at least the “Kazaam”-man’s not forced into selling Depends. Give Tony Siragusa some credit, he can’t just drop trou on the NFL sidelines, even if his belly would hang over it.
All I usually hear and see of Shaq is proof he’s a funny dude. But his Twitter account? Woof. It’s as humorous as Lindsay Lohan’s when it’s not being hacked. I remember following Shaq back in the day and thinking he’d pull through with some clutch wisdom in the crunch-time moments of my life.
Like May 1. What if I had needed inspiration to get off my couch and hide from a salesman at my door? All I’m going to get is stupid videos of Shaq in his stupid Buick.
Shaq did manage a decent comeback:
— SHAQ (@SHAQ) May 6, 2013
Still, I don’t see Shaq taking down a guy that can take a baseball in the dome and remain unfazed by it. Shaq might be strange, but Canseco is crazier. And I’ll take crazy over strange in almost any athletic competition. Especially fighting. Thing is, the actual fight won’t happen, as much fun as it is to think about it. Still, I’d like to thank Canseco and Shaq for keeping me entertained these last few days. But I hope something comes of it. And not a celebrity diving match-up.
This Twitter battle got me wishing this sort of thing was more common between has-beens and D-Listers, or hell, even actual celebrities. And what would these feuds turn into on Twitter? Who knows.
Celebrities I’d want rostered in my celebrity Twitter fight league
@MargaretAtwood — She’s on a mission to unmuzzle science, questions China straight-up on its censorship laws, and could write her next book on the art of Twitter sparring with class and quality links.
@GrumpyAssCat — This kitty has sharp claws. I try to stash a few quotables per day from him.
@theLadyChablis — Another kitty with sharp claws. Stay on her good side and you’re as golden as Rose, Blanch, Dorothy, and Sophia. Get on her bad side and you’ll get more #Whoisthatguy? than Kent Bazemore after almost pushing the Warriors past the Spurs Monday night.
@jackjohnson — Don’t let his mellow, beach-cruising melodies fool you. If you talk trash about the cutie he met at the DLG then he’ll blame you for hindering the charitable causes he supports. And good luck ever getting a turn to a ride waves on the west coast ever again. Shunned from the surfing world! The horror!
Celebrities I’d want on my opponent’s Twitter fight team (And really aren’t worth your time)
@Buck — Why he didn’t go the humble route and make it @JoeBuckYourself is the bigger issue, but who else can you turn to when you need an opinion on quinoa?
@RealSkipBayless — His greatest arguments are those that prove his previous arguments wrong. Plus the only comeback you’d need is to point out the dude thinks Tim Tebow should start in the NFL. He’d be a liability in any face-off.
@ReggieMillerTNT — You know you work for the man when you can’t think of anything to differentiate yourself from all those other famous Reggie Miller’s on Twitter other than to rep the corporation to which you’ve sold your soul. Advice to his opponents: Just do like the Cal fans used to do and put on some big ears.
@JanetReno — Come on, Janet. I’m your biggest fan. But one tweet since May of 2011? Get in there! All my readers are thanking me for the potential spank bank material that would result if you logged in more.
Potential match-ups to watch
@tbrady14 Nice hair, kid. @justinbieber
vs. @justinbieber Thanks, dad. You were my muse @tbrady14
@GlennBeck I wrote a best-selling book. #TheOvertonWindow What have you done? @ColsonWhitehead
vs. @ColsonWhitehead I wrote a few. All with more than four words per line @GlennBeck
@TaylorSwift13 I”m unfollowing you, Nick. @NicholasSparks
vs. @NicholasSparks I’d follow you in the rain. @TaylorSwift13
@davethemogul you YUUUUP like a punk @themouthmatisow.
vs. @themouthmatisow Too busy losing poker tournaments and giving bad investment advice to watch your show @davethemogul
@serenawilliams Am I the only person that can’t hear girl screaming at Spurs game? #Aneres.
vs. @ScreamingSpursLady aaaaaaaaaaa #Aaaaaa. Aaaaaat least I’m not grunting the whole game/match.
- Jose, when I was a kid and I’d go to A’s games, I always thought the national anthem started with your name. Not just the name Jose. But your actual name. Like Jose, can you see? Most kids might have thought this was cool. Or patriotic signs from the Great Beyond telling them to be an A’s fan. But instead, I just thought it was absurd for our country to start the national anthem with your name. Let’s just say I was glad when my dad informed me of the anthem’s actual wordage. I was misinformed, but having you tied to my first loss-of-faith-in-my-country moment is a hard mountain to climb. ↩