Home Books A bro’s guide to ‘Twilight’: Part I

A bro’s guide to ‘Twilight’: Part I

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Unless you are/are dating a teenager who time traveled from 2008, chances are you haven’t read “Twilight.” You’ve probably heard of it because it is utterly unavoidable so you know the gist: vampires. The glitteriest, most emo vampires “film” or “literature” ever did see.

However, it may come up somewhere sometime that the lady you are wooing is super into “Twilight.”  If so, really think about what you’re doing. If she utters that she is “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” at any point, that may be a good time to go to the bathroom and never come back, because dude, you’re never going to match up to a 104-year-old heartthrob vampire. But if she seems like she’s into “Twilight” as fun, escapist fantasy, then you might want to know something about it other than “there’s a vampire.”  Fortunately for you, I have made it through both the books and the movies and can help you out.  Here is:

A BRO’S GUIDE TO TWILIGHT

Quick synopsis:  Twilight: Original Recipe

There’s this girl Bella who is super plain and really clumsy and kind of bookish but she only vaguely reads a couple times throughout the series. She has to move in with her dad in Washington state because her mom follows her young buck second husband around as he plays minor league baseball. 1 She goes to school, where her lab partner Edward looks like handsome porcelain.  He haaaaaaates her and she’s like, “Why does this guy hate me so much other than me being so plain and boring and falling all over my limbs any time I attempt movement?”

Turns out, she finds out pretty quickly afterward when Edwards weirdly rescues her from being hit by a car and then being mugged/attacked/possibly gang-raped? He takes her out to the most awkward dinner ever, proving that mysterious porcelain dudes can be the most boring conversationalists. Anyhow, spoiler alert:  he’s a vampire. DO NOT FREAK OUT. He’s not a threatening vampire, because he and his family don’t drink human blood, they just go out into the forest and drink the blood of animals. They also can go into the sunlight, they just turn into walking equivalents of Liberace shows when they do, because vampire skin refracts light, apparently. It’s not specifically explained. But that’s why Washington is so perf for them. It’s always so cloudy. Except when it’s not, but they just play hooky from school those days. Oh, and also they don’t do vampire things like wear capes and stalk the town at night like sexual predators, they use their sleepless years for good, doing things like learning to play piano and playing baseball with their superhuman strength and speed and their own uniforms including hats perched awkwardly on their perfect coifs. Did you know being a vampire turns you into a super fox with overly styled hair and lots and lots of red lipstick? Because it does.

Bella is all, “Oh, you’re just a vampire? I was worried that I didn’t fit in socially, so this is a huge relief.” He explains that he is so taken with her because his vampire super-power is that he can read thoughts (?) but he can’t read hers, which makes her mysterious and super sexy to him for a plain girl. Thus, they totally become vampire bf/human gf. Don’t worry, because in case you couldn’t tell already, this isn’t going to become a thoughtful Stoker-style vampire metaphor about the released sexuality of the chaste woman once turned into a vampire bride of Dracula, because Bella wants to just straight bang Edward IMMEDIATELY.  Edward, however, is both a vampire and a gentleman and he is totally respectful of Bella and her V-card and refuses to take advantage of her, which should be your first clue that he’s not human. I don’t know, maybe vampires have lower testosterone. But he is content to just creep into her room at night and watch her sleep, like he’s living a Lifehouse song.

Oh also, there is a vampire from another vampire family that doesn’t drink deer blood, if you catch my drift, named James. He hates Bella and wants to eat her. She runs to her mom in Arizona to be safe but he finds her anyway, because: vampires. He and Edward fight, which Bella conveniently breaks her leg and passes out during because Stephenie Meyer has some issues writing action. It’s okay because Edward saves Bella and takes her to prom even though she’s got a cast on her leg and is plain.

Please note that the series does not address the most pressing question regarding vampires, which is, of course:  vampires consume; therefore, do they poop? But I mean, we’re in a world where vampires sparkle, so maybe they just fart glitter if the deer they drink has a really glitter-based diet or they accidentally drink, I don’t know, Ke$ha’s blood. Guys, there is so much glitter.

How You Can Use This Knowledge

Wow your friends:  By being able to recap “Twilight.”

Lady boner points: Inform her that Stephenie Meyer claims her inspirations were Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Shakespeare, and the band Muse.

Super lady boner points: Suppress your laughter while stating this.

Impress your friends: Understand and put forth the thesis that “Twilight” is not only escapism but also possibly a high school revenge fantasy for the studious, quiet girl who is appreciated for her “mental” assets and seen as beautiful despite her own crushing low self esteem.

Lady boner points: Further point out that Edward sees Bella’s mystery and appeal on a deeper level because he is a refined dude, seeing as how he’s been a teenager for 80-plus years, but you don’t need that many years to already see she is something special. (The girl, not Bella.)

Super lady boner points: Apologize for her ex-boyfriend not treating her as well as she deserved. Because that’s what this is about.

Go forth, and use this information to woo. And don’t wait for her almost to get hit by a car or stalked by an evil vampire to do it.

Notes:

  1. Side note:  how much better of a story would this be?  The aging flighty wife coping with her insecurity as her husband who is half her age copes with his rising minor league baseball star. Do not steal. I am using this as a basis for my fan fiction.