Here at Bro Jackson, we have a stable of perhaps the best fantasy football writers and analysts in the country. I am not one of those people. After going 5-0 to start the season in last year’s “Grantland Fantasy Island,” I began to slip. Metaphorically, I was the Al Davis of my league; mostly senile, saying the wrong things, making the wrong moves, and inspiring my league to shun me. This is my year to win it all, and I’m not going to let Moskal and his assless chaps stop me.
Tip 1: Team name is extremely important. You can draft “high value” players, or you can do what I do–rely on the strength of your name. This year, I’m Hernandez’s Pistol Offense. Crude, topical, and altogether bad. This also allows me to write horrible jokes later in the season, should Hernandez somehow miraculously not spend the remainder of his life being a dick hotel for Neo Nazis.
Tip 2: Always draft Tim Tebow early. This year especially. If you watch preseason football as religiously as I do, you’ll notice Tebow has really shaped up into the terrible quarterback he has always been. However, in the unfortunate event Tom Brady and Ryan Mallett are both sidelined with injuries, you’ll be able to watch Tebow take the helm, and drive all the way to the 45 yard line before punting. Yet, despite his failings, you’ll feel like you’re winning. Tebow’s throwing motion reminds me a bit of Bryon Leftwich’s throwing motion, sprinkled with Xanax. Xanax is always about winning.
Tip 3: Pick players from bad teams. If you never get the chance to watch Jacksonville or Cleveland, drafting someone like Maurice Jones-Drew gives you a reason to observe what a nightmare some franchises really are. As a Cowboys fan, I can always look at a franchise like Cleveland and feel great about myself. Come to think of it, I just got a half boner thinking about bubble screens to Trent Richardson.
Tip 4: Draft criminals in late rounds. Titus Young is basically one mood swing away from being the next Rae Carruth, or perhaps Donte Stallworth. The common thread among criminals is that they’re high upside, and usually still around later in the draft. Remember when Cedric Benson had his breakout year? Right after he attended the Dwayne Goodrich School of Driving. Felonies tend to make athletes better–just look at Michael Vick. I’m predicting he’ll have a breakout year with the Eagles, because he’s a guy who was skilled at working quickly. If you can electrocute a dog in 15 seconds, you can surely run Chip Kelly’s offense in 15 seconds or less.
Tip 5: Have your significant other help you pick your team. For instance, my league drafts tonight–and my girlfriend knows nothing about football. If I told her the Oregon Ducks were playing the Houston Astros, she would just assume they are both football teams. Like I said, she’s a hardcore fan . . . of cats . . . on Pinterest. So, let’s say it’s the sixth round, and I have to choose between Miles Austin and T.Y. Hilton. I’ll pull my girlfriend over to the computer, and ask her which player is more likely to have a pet cat. Whoever she thinks is a cat person gets picked. It’s foolproof.