Live from Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas, it’s Bro Jackson’s 2013 NFL Awards. (At the 50-yard line is a giant stage in the shape of a football. Spotlights spin around the stadium while the giant screen at midfield airs a montage of up close shots of Shane Morris’ tattoos.)
Bro Jackson’s 2013 NFL Awards show is brought to you by Stufz, the Ultimate Stuffed Burger Maker.
And now here’s the host of the show, Ben Liebman.
Ben: Thank you, Thank you. Please, you are all too kind. Welcome everyone to Bro Jackson’s 2013 NFL Awards show where we celebrate the highs and lows in the year of football. And what a year it was! What a year it has been for Ray Lewis, let him hear it people (Points to front row. Applause). Ray won the Super Bowl and then rode off into the sunset. (Applause) His reward for all of that? Fake laughing at Mike & Mike for the next five years. (Laughter) But seriously Ray, you’ve had a great career. You’ve made numerous Pro Bowl teams, you’re a lock first ballot Hall of Fame inductee, and you made Joe Flacco rich. (Laughter) You deserve some time off.
Speaking of people who need time off, Robert Griffin III is also here tonight. (Applause) RGIII was “All In for Week 1” but I think the word he meant to use is spelled W-e-a-k. (Boos) Oh don’t blame me. I’m a huge RGIII fan. I blame Snooki’s Dad, Mike Shanahan for everything. Shanahan has more bronze on his face than a bust in Canton. (Laughter)
Tom Brady was going to be here tonight, but he’s too busy doing super important things with gorgeous people. You’ve heard about the mammoth house Brady’s building in California? You’d build a house that large too if you owned as many Uggs as the golden boy. (Laughter) Those male Uggs take up a lot of space. (Applause)
You guys are a great audience. Let’s get down to the awards. Our first presenters are two of the most colorful players in the league. We’ve seen them battle on the field before, but tonight they’re presenting together. A big hand for cornerback Richard Sherman of the Seattle Seahawks and wide receiver Dez Bryant from the Dallas Cowboys.
Sherman: Normally when I’m this close to Dez, it means I’m playing bump n’ run.
Bryant: I think you mean hold n’ run.
Sherman: We are here tonight to present the Bro Jackson for the Best and Worst Surprises of 2013.
Bryant: First up is the Bro Jackson for the Best Surprise of the 2013 NFL Season. The nominees are:
Phillip Rivers’ Return to Excellence
The Trade of Trent Richardson
Riverboat Ron Rivera
Peyton Manning’s Comeback
Josh McCown’s Relief Appearances
Sherman: And the winner is . . . (The envelope is thrown between them, attached to a football. Sherman leaps with inside advantage on Bryant and snags the ball). The winner is Peyton Manning, for Peyton Manning’s Comeback.
(A Kenny Chesney song plays as Peyton makes his way to the stage. Sherman hands the award to Peyton.)
Peyton: Well that’s the first time I ever took something away from Richard Sherman. (Laughter). I want to thank everyone for this honor. I’m just a normal guy shooting multi-million dollar commercials every other week. I’m just like all of y’all. And to be honored this way. I can’t thank you enough. (Peyton walks off stage to applause as Sherman and Bryant return to the microphone).
Bryant: Our next award is the Bro Jackson for the Worst Surprise of 2013.
Sherman: Here are the nominees:
The Washington Redskins; on-Field play and team name
The 2013 NFL Draft
Matt Ryan as a franchise Quarterback
The judgment of NFL Referees
The incompetence of the Houston Texans
Bryant: And the Bro Jackson goes to. (The envelope attached to the ball soars toward them again. This time there is a fight to the floor for the ball. Sherman comes up with the ball, and Bryant has a bloody nose. As Sherman begins to open the envelope, Bryant walks off stage).
Sherman: The Worst Surprise of the year is The 2013 NFL Draft. (Applause) We really can’t tell the number 1 and 2 picks apart, but I’ve been told either Eric Fisher or Luke Joeckel will be accepting the award. Who can tell which is which? Come on up here Mr. nondescript offensive lineman.
(A large man makes his way up on stage. He shakes Sherman’s hand and accepts the award.)
Large Man: Actually I’m Lane Johnson, the fourth overall pick in the draft for 2013. I want to accept this award for all of the boring underwhelming guys who were a part of the 2013 class. If it wasn’t for us, millions of people might not know that Barkevious is an option when naming your kids. Thanks to all of the boring positional players out there. We did it!
(Music swells; Johnson exits as Ben walks back onstage)
Ben: Our next presenter is the type of guy who likes his jeans to have a U shaped cut in the crotch area. Who needs all that extra denim around your junk when you are sending a picture of your privates to the team’s PR girl? A big hand for the legendary Brett Favre.
(Applause as Favre walks on stage in Wrangler jeans and a T-Shirt with the #4 on it)
Favre: Thank you. Thank you. Wow Ben, I haven’t absorbed unprovoked shots like that since I played against a Gregg Williams Defense. (Applause, Laughs). I have the distinction of presenting the Bro Jackson for the Biggest Scandal of the 2013. The nominees are:
Concussions in the NFL
The Miami Dolphins’ locker room
Outdoor Super Bowl in New York
Aaron Hernandez murder case
And the winner is . . .
(Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, runs the ball out to him)
Favre: Thanks. The winner of the Bro Jackson for the Biggest Scandal is The Miami Dolphins’ Locker Room. Representing the Dolphins is Miami’s General Manager Jeff Ireland.
(Ireland makes his way to the stage as everyone murmurs rude comments about him)
Ireland: Wow, what an amazing honor. You know, people said I was incompetent. They said I couldn’t run a team. That I wasn’t right for the general manager job. Well look at me now. I want to thank myself for signing Richie Incognito. Richie, if it wasn’t for your racism and lack of neck, I’d never be where I am today. You truly were what I needed in a team leader. And to Jonathan Martin, thanks for letting me ruin your career. Stephen Ross, we did it!
Ben: It’s time for the final award of the evening. Here to announce the Bro Jackson for the NFL Team of 2013, here’s two of our favorite people. One of them is the head coach of the New York Jets, the other is the defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints. Round of applause for Rex and Rob, the Ryan Brothers.
(Rex is wearing a tux three sizes too big for him while Rob is nearly bursting the buttons off of his tux)
Rex: Excuse my appearance, but I forgot that we can no longer share clothing.
Rob: Clothing? We can’t even share a buffet anymore. (Laughter). Rex has more hanging skin than a hunting lodge.
Rex: I’m sporting a head coach look. We could bust balls all (expletive deleted) night long. Let’s get down to the awards. The nominees for the Bro Jackson NFL Team of 2013 are.
The Denver Broncos
The Kansas City Chiefs
The San Francisco 49ers
The New Orleans Saints
The Seattle Seahawks
Rob: I didn’t see the New York Jets on that list.
Rex: Well you haven’t seen your feet in a while either, but they’re still there.
(Applause. Laughter.The football with the envelope is thrown on stage. It bounces off Rob’s belly and softly lands in Rex’s hands.)
Rex: The winner of the Bro Jackson for the NFL team of 2013 is The Kansas City Chiefs. Accepting the award for the Chiefs is head coach Andy Reid.
(Reid is wearing a tux in Chiefs red. He accepts his award from Rex and shakes hands with Rob. As he turns towards the microphone the stage groans. The section under the three men collapses and they disappear from stage.)
Ben: Wow, what a night it has been. I want to thank everyone for being here tonight. (Firefighters flood the stage behind Ben and begin lowering giant harnesses into the open hole of the stage). From all of us here at Bro Jackson, thanks for one memorable NFL year. Goodnight everybody!