In honor of the kickoff the NFL season I’ve taken the liberty of coupling some of our favorite NFL personalities with their Shakespearean counterparts. What we have here is a classic example of creativity—and complete and utter boredom. I don’t know about you but I’m certainly glad it’s starting so buffoons like me can stop writing silly mash-ups. Enjoy.
King Lear and Bill Belichick: The mad man built an incredible legacy but near the end it had fallen on hard times. His beautiful, self-entitled, and attention-hungry daughters (played here by Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, and Aaron Hernandez) were his ultimate downfall. I could see both these guys running naked in the Foxborough snow. Ay, every inch a king: When I do stare, see how the subject quakes.
Shylock (“The Merchant of Venice”) and Daniel Snyder: The moneylender with an excess of hate in his heart, Shylock demanded a pound of flesh from Antonio if the latter didn’t pay back his debt. Snyder should have done the favor of offering the same deal to Albert Haynesworth. They share a religion, but it’s their slyness and their obsession with lending money that will forever link the two. The quality of mercy is strained.
Lady Macbeth (“Macbeth”) and Robert Kraft: Here’s the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, Oh, Oh!”
Othello and Cam Newton: You know, because they’re both black. Chaos is come again.
Iago (“Othello”) and Gregg Williams: That contemptuous villain talked his friend into the most heinous of crimes all for his own sick benefit. As Iago would say, “Put money in thy purse.”
Hamlet and Brandon Marshall: Hamlet struggled with personal demons and his relationships with women were all but stable. Ironically, both the play and Brandon’s life include a great deal of stabbing. A little more than kin and less than kind.
Romeo (“Romeo and Juliet”) and Antonio Cromartie: Cue the baby-making music, bitches. Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous and it pricks like thorn.
Prince Hal (“King Henry IV, Part 1”) and Dez Bryant: A young man that was bent on self-destruction, known to carouse with souls most unkind, and enjoy a healthy cut of mutton, Hal eventually redeemed himself in the eyes of his focused and fearless father (played here by Jerry Jones). I’ll so offend to make offence a skill, redeeming time when men think least I will.
Falstaff (“Henry IV”) and Ryan Mathews: The mammoth, wort-worm and right-hand man of Prince Hal was known to fake his own death in order to avoid responsibility and bow out of the fight. I can only assume Mathews is a coward and has been faking his own injuries. A plague of all cowards, I say.
Puck (“Midsummer Night’s Dream”) and Wes Welker: The spritely elf. Perfect. Match. Lord, what fools these mortals be.
Prospero (“Tempest”) and Ben Roethlisberger: Only a magician could get away with rape. A pox o’ your throat, you bawling, blasphemous, incharitable dog!
Viola (“Twelfth Night”) and Clay Matthews: Androgyny, my friend. Shakespeare would love Clay’s girly locks. You do know women weren’t allowed on stage during Shakespeare’s time, right? Shakespearean Facts, only at BroJackson.com. We will draw the curtain, and show you the picture.
Katherine (“Taming of the Shrew”) and Jay Cutler: He’s a bitch.
Benedick and Tim Tebow: Possibly the funniest of Shakespeare’s characters. Benedick is charismatic and claims he’ll never marry. It could be argued Benedick himself is a total joke. And if this hasn’t convinced you of a perfect comparison, the play’s title couldn’t sum up Tebow’s career better: “Much Ado About Nothing.”