Congratulations if you made it this far. If it wasn’t a lifelong goal it should’ve been. If you win this week you’ll officially have more championships than Dan Marino and Dan Fouts. It’s likely, however, that you’ll never have as many love-children as the former and it’s almost inevitable you’ll never have as sweet a ‘stache as the latter.
Let’s not waste time talking about what we don’t have. Let’s start talking about how to win that championship.
Ben Roethlisberger v GB– The only way bathrooms can get dirtier in a Wisconsin gas station is if Big Ben is in it. If you’re in desperate need of a QB this weekend, look no further than this fat-faced doofus. Seriously if this guy’s face gets any bigger Visanthe Shiancoe’s dick is going to be jealous. Pittsburgh will have to throw to stay in this, especially if Aaron Rodgers comes back. And, let’s be honest, if Rodgers doesn’t he can move to Kiln, Miss. and spend the rest of his days giving Deanna Favre pedicures. Get on the field. “This is my career we’re talking about.” It sure is. And it’s slipping away by the day. You can rest when you’re dead. Unless that collarbone—that’s not on your throwing shoulder—could end your career there’s no reason for you to stand on the sideline grooming your not-as-good-as-Dan-Fouts mustache. And don’t come at me with “You’re not a doctor” routine. I have prescribed myself enough drugs to know a thing or two about medicine. Also I fucked and puked in a Holiday Inn Express elevator once.
Sleeper: Kirk Cousins @ DAL– This team couldn’t stop Matt Flynn. With that said, I’m not sure this Cousins start is a sleeper or a no-brainer. Cousins looked decent against a shitty Falcons secondary, but that Dallas secondary is shakier than the Greek dollar with Muhammad Ali counting it. I’m gonna roll him out with confidence, which should tell you that it’s going to end badly.
Ryan Mathews v OAK- Not sure what the hell got into this guy, but he has back-to-back 100-yard games for the second time this year. Traveling to Oakland should help him keep rolling. It’s proof that sometimes it takes guys awhile to figure out how to stay healthy and to understand the nuances of the game. There’s hope, then, for Trent Richardson? Naw. That guy is more rotten than my family tree.
Sleeper: Ray Rice v NE– He’s been mediocre at best, but now he gets the second-worst rushing defense in the league. That should cure anything that was previously wrong with him. If nothing else, perhaps Justin Tucker will kick him in the ass. That’s worth six points in my league.
Dwayne Bowe v IND– He disappeared last week, but they also didn’t need him in that Jamaal Charles Takeover. They’ll have to throw to win this game and Alex Smith targeted him often two weeks ago. I love this guy, too, because of the whole weed and fast food incident. I’ve got to be honest, though, when I get stoned I like to eat at home. I actually enjoy cooking. It’s very bizarre. I’ve been known to make incredible chicken salad when stoned. Chicken breast, cooked slow and low and then rested to seal in the juices. Chopped pecans. A red delicious apple. And, of course, mayo. I don’t know amounts, but I bet Socrates would call this chicken salad the ideal form—especially if he were stoned.
Sleeper: Rueben Randle @ DET– I still can’t believe Detroit somehow pissed that game away last week. That is almost as sad as Peter O’Toole passing away. You ever see “Lawrence of Arabia?” That movie is great. It’s much, much better than watching Eli Manning, but the Giants will have to throw to stay in this. The hope is with Hakeem Nicks gimpy and avoiding contact in a contract year, Randle benefits.
Delanie Walker @ JAC- Worst team in the league against tight ends gets a guy who hoards targets. It seems like a match made in heaven and if you lost Jordan Cameron, he’s your guy. Since this is the last time I’ll be able to mention it, how sad is it that Brian Hoyer got hurt? I think about it way more than I should. I’m not even a Browns fan. It was silly of me to believe a team that is QB-cursed could help me. Just pay LeBron James and have him play QB. At least it’d put asses in the seats.
Detroit v NYG– I’d feel bad for Giants fans, but they have two championships in recent memory, a city full of beautiful people, and the best restaurants in the world. Go fuck yourselves.
Carson Palmer @ SEA– Everyone keeps saying that Arizona would be a fun playoff team. I guess I don’t see it. A team with no running game, a defense that has preyed on shitty teams, and a QB who’s trying to grow his face out to Big Ben status. This game will send them circling the bowl because Seattle’s going to slap them so hard Palmer’s face will be jiggling like a topless Kate Upton on a horse.
Matt Ryan @ SF– The only season with more disappointment than the Giants is the Falcons. The line between competitive and really shitty in the NFL is thinner than Al Michaels’ hair. Ryan has to travel to San Fran against a defense that has played much better as of late.
Pierre Thomas @ CAR– He bounced back last week after disappearing for two games, but now he’s on the road against one of the best rushing defenses in the league. Worse yet, Drew Brees must be a fucking vampire because he can’t go outside. This team leaves home and they have scarier adventures than Bilbo Baggins.
Asiata @ CIN– I don’t know what his first name is and I don’t care. If you accidentally made it to the finals because you plugged and played this guy, I can only say: 1. Fantasy football is 80 percent luck. 2. Dumb luck is basically the basis of any success in the history of mankind. 3. How else but complete chaos and entropy do you explain Jason Garrett still holding down employment? I lost my train of thought, but don’t start this guy.
Larry Fitzgerald @ SEA- I’m telling you right now to avoid the Cardinals this weekend. Even if it works out it shouldn’t and you shouldn’t be rewarded for bad decisions. But, on that thought, how great would it be if we were rewarded for bad decisions? Holy shitgeist, I’d have more rewards than a platinum credit card.
Roddy White @ SF– I hated to use the same WRs as I did QBs, but the matchups are too sweet to ignore. White simply couldn’t get healthy this season, but I think I’d be willing to give him another go next season. He’ll be cheap in redraft and with an entire season to get healthy . . . Aw, fuckit, I’m not getting into this right now. I’m drunk.
Ladarius Green v OAK– It’s a shame that Vincent Brown continues to get targets while a guy like this stands around on the sidelines. He’s another guy I look forward to over-drafting next season. Christ. I might drink a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle and pull a Rip Van Winkle and not wake up till August of 2014. It’s times like this I wish the XFL would’ve worked out.
Houston v DEN- I bet those ignorant bastards who drafted this defense early aren’t reading this article. I want to say that I love all of you—save the ones who drafted defenses before the 12th round. I will be back here next year dispensing shitty, unusable advice wrapped in untactful and tasteless jokes unless I drink myself to death or Bro Jackson wises up and persuades someone else to work for free. Take it easy like Bob Griese, bitches.