We’re in the final two weeks of the regular fantasy football season and I’m beside myself with anger. I own a piece of Andre Ellington and three pieces of his hair, but the dividends are worthless. I sat down and wrote Bruce Arians a letter this week, but I haven’t sent it off because I’m afraid Roger Goodell will slap a fine on me for using language he and his fellow buffoons don’t understand.
Dear Bruce Arians,
I know that Arizona is beautiful this time of year. Toasty compared to where I am here in dreary Illinois, surrounded by weather glummer than Jay Cutler’s countenance. I have a quick question for you. If the weather is so temperate and most of the women are tanned and pulchritudinous, why are you so miserable and stifling when it comes to using Andre Ellington? When you get a chance, could you hit me back? Also could you get me some phone numbers from Tyrann Mathieu’s phone.
Sun, fun, and big runs,
If and when I send it, I’ll let you know if he gets back to me. In the meantime, let’s try to squeeze into the playoffs and win a championship because real life is full of chaos and misery and fantasy is much safer and happier.
Carson Palmer v IND– I hate myself for doing this and feel free to send me Arians-hate-mail if this fails, but this Indy team can’t stop anyone through the air. In their off time this secondary is busy in a sweatshop tailoring yellow blazers for Ryan Fitzpatrick and Kellen Clemens. With the emergence of Rob Housler, a defense that’s clicking, and a three-game winning streak, this team might accidentally find themselves in the playoff picture. The keyword is “accidentally” because Arians is like the Forrest Gump of NFL coaches—eternally lucky despite questionable, head-shaking decisions. “Your boy’s . . . different, Miz Arians.”
Sleeper: Case Keenum v JAC– Speaking of Gumpian characters, I guess Gary Kubiak and that staff in Houston would be like Bubba Blue. Why in the holy hell did they bench Keenum last Sunday? It’s seriously as if some of these coaches drink Scotch during the games and make more rash decisions than me with my fantasy teams. This defense has intercepted a league-low four passes and given up 20 TDs. Keenum should feast if his confidence wasn’t shaken by these mental-midgets.
Zac Stacy v CHI– Chicago has surrendered the second most rushing yards in the league, giving up a whopping 133.9 yards per game. Stacy should have his way with what has been, historically, a world-beating unit. This defense is such an embarrassment Dick Butkus’ barber refuses to give him a buzz cut. Mike Singletary wears his pants when he watches this team play. This team has more problems than Dan Hampton’s jersey number.
Sleeper: Mark Ingram @ ATL– When you watch him run, I can’t help but think that maybe there’s hope for Trent Richardson, the other much-maligned Alabama tailback. Finally healthy and finding his way, Ingram seems to be running with the passion we can recall from his days at Bama. Last week against a stout San Francisco defense he disappeared, but he gets an Atlanta D that’s third-worst in the NFL against the run. With Darren Sproles likely out, there should be plenty of carries for him. Of course Sean Payton might go full retard on us and give all leftover carries to Khiry Robinson.
Kendall Wright @ OAK- Fiztpatrick loves the guy, proven by the 21 targets and 16 receptions in the last two games. He’s PPR gold and if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least three times, you should name your team “Kendall and Barbie Doll.” Or if you think that’s too brief, go with “Three Wrongs Don’t Make a Wright, but Three Kendalls Do.”
Sleeper: Aaron Dobson v DEN– In what was a very tough matchup, Dobson went silent after three out of four good games. The positive news is Dobson’s snap count remained high and he should be a solid flex going forward. It’s easy to be leery of this offense with the amount of weapons available, but he’s gained the trust of the most fashionable guy around so I don’t believe he disappears completely.
Coby Fleener @ ARI– This D has given up the most yards (886) and most TDs (10) to tight ends this season. They’ve given up 18 passing TDs all year, so you do the math. If Fleener doesn’t get in the end zone, it will be an anomaly. The tight end position in fantasy has been a mess lately. New names are cropping up every week—Fleener, Housler, even Ladarius Green—while Julius Thomas struggles with injuries and Jordan Cameron struggles with these blind scullions at quarterback.
Dallas @ NYG- You might be able to snag them off waivers considering they are coming off bye. And I’m not sold on this Giants team. Despite its four-game winning streak, this Giants offense looks more lethargic than Bill Parcels after a tryptophan injection. I can’t watch this team without catching flies like Eli Manning and Terry Schiavo.
RGIII v SF– There seems to be some accountability issues for this Washington team. Which, I guess, would be very coincidental considering the city of Washington has its own set of accountability issues. Maybe the politicians and RGIII can sit down and hammer out some of their problems together. It’s truly eerie how similar the city and team are: both are led by a black man; both of them have a history of completely degrading Native Americans; and neither one of them is really worth paying attention to after November.
Philip Rivers @ KC– This little dream Rivers has been on has hit a rough patch. He’s thrown for only one TD in three of his last four. Now he has to go on the road against a Kansas City team coming off a tough loss. KC played well against one of the best offenses in recent memory. They will harass him and likely keep him more off-balance than Andy Reid’s cholesterol.
Ray Rice v NYJ– After posting a 25-131-1 line against the sieve that is Chicago, he has to face a Jets defense that holds opposing rushers to just 2.9 yards per carry. It’s been a tough season for the Ravens. The only things more appealing than watching a Harbaugh fail are smoking weed and having sex. So I guess that puts it third, right in front of smoking weed while having sex.
Lamar Miller v CAR– This Carolina D showed its full plume the other night against the Pats. Now they get a guy who has completely disappeared. In the last two games he has gotten 11 rushes, after getting 34 carries in the two before that. Maybe it’s game flow or maybe it’s simply a matter of him not being very good. Or maybe we can blame this on Richie Incognito somehow. Let’s go with that.
Cecil Shorts III @ HOU- He’s had two nightmarish outings, posting a combined four catches for 64 yards over the last two. This Houston D gives up its share of TDs, but it’s stingy otherwise. Look for Shorts to struggle again this week. With Cleveland, another matchup with Houston, and Tennessee on the horizon, things look bleak for his value. The good news? They’re gonna draft a QB next season. The bad news? They’re gonna have to live in London. And London wouldn’t be so bad, but there are lots of British people who live there. And, yes, I know there’s a difference between “British” and “English” and “Irish” and “Scottish” and I guess those people from Wales think they have a country, too. Please stop. Baseball is better than cricket. Peasants can play soccer and that’s the only reason it’s relevant. And Ernest Hemingway would’ve kicked the shit out of Charles Dickens. Now get your wanker ass off my lawn, you Red Coat sumbetch.
Antonio Brown v CLE– There’s likely no scenario where you’d bench this freak, but Joe Haden could change your mind. Fresh off holding A.J. Green to two catches for seven yards, he’ll get his hooks into Brown. Again it’d be crazy to sit him, but be prepared for a stinker. This game will determine who has a firm grasp on last in that division. Neither team deserves to win, but I’ll take the one without Jason Campbell as their starting QB.
Jordan Reed v SF- San Francisco is one of the best teams in the league against tight ends, having given up four total TDs all year to the position. Reed was shutdown against Philly last week and now in the turmoil that is Washington he finds himself facing a brutal matchup. He gets the Giants, Falcons, and Cowboys down the stretch so it will improve for the young tight end.
New York Giants v DAL- The Giants D has been hanging crazy stats lately. Teams can’t move the ball and they have held opponents to just under 12 points per game in the last four. But Dallas is coming out of a bye and, aside from Philly, they have faced Minnesota, Oakland, and Green Bay sans Aaron Rodgers in this stretch. New York is certainly better than London, but this weekend I’d rather start Man U. And, to be honest, I don’t know what that means and I don’t fucking want to know.