Congratulations. If you’re reading this garbage it means you must have won your first round matchup and have rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man.
Last week I benched Jordan Cameron in favor of Ladarius Green. It’s the classic case of getting cute when there’s absolutely no need for it. I have spent most of the last five days hating myself for the decision. The pain and suffering is unthinkable. Now I know how Aron Ralston felt. The good news is you only need one arm to toke up, so light up and smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Philip Rivers @ DEN – Last week against the New York Not Good at Football Giants, Rivers bounced back and threw three touchdown passes. On a short week his squad is forced to travel to Denver and try to keep up with this Denver offense. Peyton Manning is not from this world, which might explain why he has a Klingon forehead. San Diego will be forced to throw and that means Rivers should get his share.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan v WAS – I can’t fucking hear the name Julio Jones without walking over to my neighbor’s house, ringing the doorbell, and then bitch-slapping whoever answers. I only feel bad when it’s the dog that greets me first. Quarterbacks have a 101.2 rating against this tire fire that is Washington. I wonder if Daniel Snyder was thinking, “Hey, if we’re super-shitty, maybe people will layoff me about being a racist douchebag.”
Jordan Todman v BUF – This is contingent on Maurice Jones-Drew missing the game due to his hamstring pull. If MJD can’t go, there’s no reason not to roll Todman out against this 26th ranked rushing defense, which is surrendering 124 yards a game. Jacksonville is balling out recently and the defense is one of the best in the league against the run since Week 11. The one thing you can count on in the NFL is an ever-evolving, almost maddening volatility to what unfolds—frustrating and yet mesmerizing to watch. It’s what I’d imagine Kristin Cavallari’s personality will be like during menopause.
Sleeper: Chris Ogbonnaya v CHI– Last week DeMarco Murray might as well have been wearing a chastity belt, because he wasn’t getting touched. Leave it to Dallas to fail to exploit the matchup however. Normally I would never suggest starting a Cleveland tailback, but it’s almost as if this Chicago team is playing without linebackers. Somewhere Brian Urlacher is reenacting a “Singled Out” episode with Jenny McCarthy and having a good laugh.[ref]Ed. Note: Nobody tell Ken they broke up. He will be devastated.[/ref]
Jordy Nelson @ DAL – The only thing sadder than that Atlanta debacle has to be this Green Bay situation. Regardless if Porn Stache Collarbone Belt Celebrator Double Check Douchenozzle comes back or not, this is a plus matchup for Nelson. Dallas has given up the most yards (4026) and second-most TDs (26) to wide receivers this year. Personally I don’t want to talk about this situation. All it does is make me angrier than Ryan Braun when he misses a cycle.
Sleeper: Riley Cooper @ MIN – A classic case of what have you done for me lately, Cooper gives you the “Nothing” answer. But Minnie can’t stop anyone through the air and have given up the most receiving TDs in the league. I have it on good authority that Cooper doesn’t mind Vikings, but he despises Moors.
Delanie Walker v ARI– After missing a week due to injury, Walker faces one of the worst defenses in the league against tight ends. And they are without Tyrann Mathieu who will spend his rehab in a hot tub with teenage girls who have signed and initialed the correct forms.
Tennessee v ARI– They took it on the chin from Whorf and the rest of the Broncos last Sunday, but they come home and should get back on track. Remember that before that debacle in Denver they had given up just eight TDs through the air. You could do worse, which was my motto in college.
Josh McCown v CLE – Twitter had anointed McCown as the next Kurt Warner after that Monday Night Football game. This old man had finally figured it out. But if you watched that game, you’d notice McCown should have thrown two picks and maybe a third if officials didn’t handicap defenders. This Cleveland defense has been solid and they’re at home. As I said before Cleveland could control clock on the ground. Let’s slow our roll with this guy, especially since he looks like Todd from “Breaking Bad.” That evil sumbetch.
Eli Manning v SEA – Retire. You won two championships and that’s somehow twice as many as your brother, which makes about as much sense as why I’d actually have to tell someone not to start this guy. Also, shut your mouth when your staring. It’s creepy and you look like a mentally handicapped fluffer.
Bobby Rainey v SF – This no-name was one of the culprits of knocking me out of one of my leagues last week. The Cinderella story ends this week. This offense will struggle to move the ball against a defense hitting its stride. My hope is that Greg Schiano and Jim Harbaugh meet at midfield and decide to fight to the death. And midway through the fight, Roger Goodell releases tigers and they’re both devoured. Then I’d be entertained.
Andre Brown v SEA – Another guy who helped folks in their pursuit of playoff fantasy glory, this guy faces the impenetrable force that is this defense. Remember David Wilson? I keep trying to forget, but the memories are too haunting and terrible like most of the women I slept with in college.
T.Y. Hilton v HOU – Andrew Luck goes off against Cincinnati and Hilton stands in the shadows like Deep Throat. You can take that as a Watergate or porn allusion. It is up to you.
Hakeem Nicks v SEA – He had 5 for 135 last week in a performance that seems absurd when you think about it. He hadn’t done anything all year and then he blows up on everyone’s bench. As you can see there’s noway I’d touch anyone on the Giants this week. Tom Coughlin better be careful or he might be joining Mike Shanahan and Prince Charles in the line of red-faced, unimportant failures.
Garrett Graham @ IND – Don’t be fooled by last week’s 8-73-1 line. Jacksonville can’t stop tight ends and he exploited the matchup. Jacob Tamme or Dennis Pitta would be better options, in my opinion. But, then, it is Indianapolis and who knows which team will show up. Ten years from now we’ll be discussing how Indy was the worst division winner in the history of the NFL. Of course the worst team to ever post a winning season has to be that 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers team. The NFL should put an asterisk by that entire season.
Buffalo @ JAC- People who thought they could stash defenses playing against Jacksonville are feeling the sting right now. They’ve won three in a row including hanging 32 and 27 points in their last two. There’s this feeling that if they get a QB they’re going to be a much-improved squad next season. And, like the Jaguars, that’s where my eyes are already set. I can’t wait till August.