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Super Bowl predictions from the clubhouse

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We’re pre-gaming hard because soon, it will be this time next month and there will be no hope in the world until OTAs. Predictions are like crabs, these eight writers have them. Swag on.

Ken Griggs: Aaron Rodgers set to grow back the ‘stache

The NFL Playoffs are here which means I’m going to bet anything I won on Bovada over the course of the season and piss away a few extra hundred on senseless prop bets. The NFC is an amalgamation of mediocrity of which Pete Rozelle is so giddy he’s somewhere right now getting a handy from Marilyn Monroe while Pat Summerall drinks Manhattans and watches. I wouldn’t be surprised if in this mess the New York Giants somehow play in the title game and Matt Ryan still finds a way to get a loss. As for the AFC, I think there are two teams—Denver and Cincinnati—that are slightly ahead of the entire field. And both squads have quarterbacks that sometimes find curious ways to lose. When it’s all said and done I can only guarantee two things:

1. I’m gonna watch every minute of it like a lonely, coked-out ’80s housewife watching “General Hospital.”
2. And I’m gonna get drunk.

AFC Wild Card: Colts over Chiefs

I suspect this game to be so boring that by halftime I will have perused every known picture of Lindsey Duke and attempted to contact her via Instagram DM. My advice: Cheer for the Chiefs so we can have a Jim Irsay Twitter meltdown.

AFC Wild Card: Bengals over Chargers

A West Coast team that is mediocre traveling east against a team that seems to be peaking spells disaster. Of course disaster is also spelled “D-A-L-T-O-N,” as anyone who has seen “Roadhouse” knows.

NFC Wild Card: Eagles over Saints

Drew Brees has a bigger problem with agoraphobia than Miss Havisham.Expecting the Eagles to outpace the Saints here.

NFC Wild Card: Packers over 49ers

I’m going to this contest. And most of my games at Lambeau alternate between tragic losses and epic wins. The last game I attended Aaron Rodgers left with a collarbone injury. The one before that the Packers beat the Bears to secure a playoff spot. And the one before that Randy Moss wiped his ass on the goal post. You do the math.

AFC Division Championships: Broncos over Colts

The only sure thing here is someone will use the parable of the prodigal son incorrectly when analyzing this contest. The Colts aren’t as good as their record and this deficit might end up being bigger than Peyton’s forehead.

AFC Division Championships: Bengals over Patriots

The Fall of Rome will be complete when the Red Rocket drops his load like a Visigoth after a mutton and potato dinner. If you think that sentence was sad and pathetic wait till you see this receiving corps Tom Brady is throwing the ball to.

NFC Division Championships: Packers over Seahawks

The Seahawks showed signs of wavering at home against the Cardinals and now they get a team gaining confidence. Plus, I’m a Packers fan and I hate Pete Carroll more than I hate the Harbaughs and Peyton Hillis—combined.

NFC Division Championships: Eagles over Panthers

As Chip Kelly said, “Fucking score points. What’s your plan?” That hasn’t been the Panthers plan for a long time. Their defense finally can’t carry them.

AFC Championship: Bengals over Broncos

Peyton, devastated that his nemesis Brady lost, throws four picks and loses miserably. The Mile High crowd doesn’t revolt, however, because all of them are eating nachos and stoned out of their minds.

NFC Championship: Packers over Eagles

In the week leading up to the game Rodgers will have regrown his porn ‘stache and will have released a sex-tape called “Staying In of the Closet: And Even In Here I’m Better than Jay Cutler.” I realize now that I’ve picked two of the worst defenses to play in this title game. This whole exercise is a complete sham.

Super Bowl: Bengals over Packers

The dream season ends for the Packers when Marvin Lewis finally gives Gio Bernard more than 20 touches in a game. The best part about the season being over? We don’t have to hear from Chris Kluwe for eight months.  – Ken Griggs

Blake Hurtik: Brees likes it hot

Drew Brees has to survive only one game in frigid temps in order to pilot the Saints to another Super Bowl appearance, but the road warrior narrative wears out against Denver in East Rutherford, the sexiest frigid championship location not in Green Bay. Peyton Manning adds to his GOAT credentials with his second ring, but the key for the Broncos will be my favorite eighth-round fantasy steal Knowshon Moreno.

AFC Wild Card

Chiefs over Colts
Bengals over Chargers

AFC Division Champs

Broncos over Chiefs
Patriots over Bengals

AFC Conference Championship

Broncos over Patriots

NFC Wild Card

Saints over Eagles
49ers over Packers

NFC Divisional Championship

49ers over Seahawks
Saints over Panthers

NFC Conference championship

Saints over 49ers

Super Bowl

Broncos over Saints

– Blake Hurtik

Shane Morris: We’re off to see the blizzard

This is the road to The Emerald City. Manning and the Broncos play the role of The Tin Woodsman, in the hopes Manning’s neck doesn’t fuse back together–you might need more than an oil can for that. The Cowardly Lion checks in with Alex Smith and the Chiefs, because they won’t have the courage to do anything but lean on Jamaal Charles. Brady plays the role of The Scarecrow, in his “How the hell did I get here” narrative. Without Rob Gronkowski, he’ll go up in flames. Lastly, Andy Dalton knows there is no place like home, because the Bengals are 8-0 at home this season. Unfortunately, the Super Bowl is happening in New York.

The Emerald City is represented by the Emerald City itself, with Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks playing the role of The Wizard of Oz. When Wilson goes behind the curtain, he turns into something much greater than his stature should allow. Manning and Brady was the old AFC rivalry everyone wanted to watch for the past 10 years. For the next 10 years, it’s Newton and Wilson in the NFC.

AFC Wild Card

Colts over Chiefs
Bengals over Chargers

AFC Divisional Championships

Bengals over Patriots
Broncos over Colts

AFC Conference championship

Broncos over Bengals

NFC Wild Card

Saints over Eagles
Packers over 49ers

NFC Divisional Championships

Panthers over Saints
Seahawks over Packers

NFC Conference championship

Seahawks over Panthers

Super Bowl

The Seahawks will coast through the NFC, before barely slipping by Denver for a Super Bowl win. 31-30, and Russell Wilson heads back to the Emerald City where a new rivalry in the NFC is born. Seahawks over Broncos.

– Shane Morris

Eddie Strait: A.J. Green stuntin’

It feels very much like the old guard (Peyton, Brady, Brees, Rodgers, and to a significanty lesser extent, Phillip Rivers) is on the brink of being taken over by the new kids at the table (Dalton, Cam, Luck, Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, Nick Foles). Then there’s Alex Smith as the waiter who passes his scripts off to anyone that will indulge him. For the sake of variety, I went with a bracket that has the PS4s out-dueling the PS2s. I’m almost certainly going to be wrong, but hey, I also took Megatron with the first overall pick in the BroJackson fantasy draft, so what do I know?

AFC Wild Card

Colts over Chiefs
Bengals over Chargers

AFC Divisional Championship

Bengals over Patriots
Broncos over Colts

AFC Conference championship

Bengals over Broncos

NFC Wild Card

49ers over Packers
Eagles over Saints

NFC Divisional Championships

Seahawks over 49ers
Panthers over Eagles

NFC Conference championship

Seahawks over Panthers

Super Bowl

Seahawks over Bengals, MVP A.J. Green.

– Eddie Strait

Varoon Bose: Whatever man, I like Andrew Luck

As a Cowboys fan, the NFL playoffs is a time where I can sit back, relax and finally enjoy football since my team always finds a way to Tony Romo their way out of the postseason. But as my beloved leader remains absent, one thing viewers should be looking for is incredible QB play. Obviously this isn’t a bold prediction. We’ve seen Manning break records, Brady put up numbers with locker room janitors at receiver, and Brees enjoy his dome more than a teenager who’s girlfriend just got her braces removed. But beyond these studs, look for Luck, Wilson, and even the blonde bombshell Nick Foles to make waves in the first few rounds. And if they don’t, can we please find a way to get Foles on “The Bachelor?”

AFC Wild Card

Colts over Chiefs
Chargers over Bengals

AFC Divisional Championships

Patriots over Chargers
Colts Over Broncos

AFC Conference championship

Colts over Pats

NFC Wild Card

Eagles over Saints
Packers over Niners

NFC Divisional Championships

Eagles over Panthers
Seahawks over Packers

NFC Conference championship

Seahawks over Eagles

Super Bowl

Seahawks over Colts.

– Varoon Bose

Ben Liebman: Another endorsement for the ‘Hawks

This is the postseason when Pete Carroll finally gets revenge on the New England Patriots for firing him in ’99. A Wes Welker drop will keep Denver from making the Super Bowl, and my excuse to do nothing for seven hours each Sunday has ended. In other words, winter is here.

AFC Wild Card

Colts over Chiefs
Charges over Bengals

AFC Divisional Championships

Patriots over Chargers
Broncos over Colts

AFC Conference championship

Patriots over Broncos

NFC Wild Card

Saints over Eagles
Packers over Niners

NFC Divisional Championships

Panthers over Saints
Seahawks over Packers

NFC Conference championship

Seahawks over Panthers

Super Bowl

Seahawks over Patriots

– Ben Liebman

Ramon Ramirez: Tom Brady’s finest hour approaches

When is the last time Brady lost in the playoffs as an underdog? That would be the 2006 AFC Divisional playoffs at Denver. He is an all-timer because of what he does with his back against the wall. He’s not a front-runner by nature. There’s something about seeing the Pats at home in the playoffs since 2009 that terrifies me–that’s where three of their last four seasons have ended, with the outlier being the second Giants Super Bowl. If they can survive the hungry, already-defeated-’em Bengals, I’m sold. Two games in the cold and Brady gets to another Super Bowl? I’ll bet on that. Two games in a Seattle stadium that is louder than the soccer crowds in Turkey? I’ll bet on that. Wild Card teams that get hot and make a Super Bowl run every year? I’ll bet on that happening. Oh, wait.

AFC Wild Card

Colts over Chiefs
Bengals over Chargers

AFC Divisional Championships

Patriots over Bengals
Broncos over Colts

AFC Conference championship

Patriots over Broncos

NFC Wild Card

Eagles over Saints
49ers over Packers

NFC Divisional Championships

Eagles over Panthers
Seahawks over 49ers

NFC Conference championship

49ers over Eagles

Super Bowl

Patriots over 49ers.

– Ramon Ramirez

Josh Klein: Kitty Cat Klein

Was there really any doubt that I was going to pick this playoff scenario happening? Hell, I picked it in the NFC South Preview before the season, 1 and I flirted with actually picking the Broncos over the Panthers as a reverse jinx, but who cares? Here’s how it breaks down:

AFC Wild Card: Colts over Chiefs

Chiefs are only masquerading as a good team, and the Colts were masquerading as a bad team. The same thing that happened two weeks ago happens here, the Chiefs turn it over a bunch and can’t come from behind, even with Jamaal Charles running around like Wendell Brown.

AFC Wild Card: Chargers Over Bengals

Always a first round upset, and this is the one. The Gingerbread Man throws three picks and Phil Rivers finger guns his way into the second round.

AFC Divisional Championships

Editor’s note: Josh wrote paragraphs about an impossible playoff scenario here, unmasking himself as a grown man that does not understand the basic principle of a seeded playoff (the highest-seeded team plays the lowest-seeded team). Let’s skip ahead.

AFC Conference championship: Broncos over Patriots

This game doesn’t live up to the hype as both teams play poorly and both Demaryius Thomas and Knowshon Moreno get hurt. This sparks an offseason of “Is Tom Brady a Bad Cold Weather QB or does he just look great in fur-lined hats?”

NFC Wild Card: Eagles over Saints

Saints stink on the road, and Foles plays really well at home.

NFC Wild Card: Packers over Niners

Uh oh. The beast was awoken when he made the best play of the year last week to put the Pack in the playoffs.

NFC Divisional Championships: Panthers over Eagles

This is the perfect matchup for Carolina, a high-powered offense their defense can shut down, and a low-powered defense their offense can put up at least 24 points against.

NFC Divisional Championships: Packers over Seahawks

A-Rod waltzes into Seattle and isn’t intimidated by the 12th man. Best game of the playoffs leads to Russell Wilson throwing a game-ending TAINT that silences the drunken fishermen.

NFC Conference championship: Panthers over Packers

Rodgers tears his ACL in warmups and the Panthers romp. But seriously, the Panthers win a hard-fought defensive struggle when they harass Rodgers all day and manage to break two big plays for a 17-14 win. Riverboat Ron goes for it twice on 4th down in the first half and fails, only to go for it AGAIN in the fourth quarter and succeed.

Super Bowl: Panthers over Broncos

Peyton tears his ACL in warmups and the Panthers romp. Josh is very happy and subscribes to Sports Illustrated just for the DVD and collectors’ jacket.

– Josh Klein

Notes:

  1. Yes, I picked the Cats to go 14-2, and they only went 12-4, so sue me.
  • iamshanemorris

    Josh Klein lives at his mom’s house. Like a true Panther’s fan – never leave the den.

  • Dexter’s Library

    That Ken Griggs guy is a real dipshit. Both of his teams got eliminated on the first week.