#BroKnowsFilm draft, Round 10

Jul 19, 2013
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Check out the earlier rounds of the #BroKnowsFilm draft: Round 1 / Round 2 / Round 3 / Round 4 Round 5 / Round 6 / Round 7 / Round 8  / Round 9

I thought I had the perfect team. I effortlessly blended classic comic heroes with modern equivalents. A well-balanced team that was ready to take on whatever fake opponent was in its way.

And then David Kallison drafted the Brave Little Toaster this round, throwing my entire draft strategy into question.

More than that, the drafting of Toaster was a fitting conclusion to this draft. Picking the best of anything is a near impossible task. It’s a ridiculous undertaking when considering every character in the history of cinema. But what I think comes through in this draft and is reflected in each individual team is a whole lotta heart. These selections are representative of ourselves. I led off with Andy Dufresne because he was a comfortable, safe pick that I will never not watch on TBS at 1 p.m. in the morning. I took Clark W. Griswold because every time I watch “Christmas Vacation,” I’m transported back to my parents’ couch, surrounded by loved ones. Sure, hate on Eddie for taking Marty McFly No. 1 overall instead of some dude from the “Godfather.” But who did you identify with more? Marty and his futuristic self-tying Nikes or Vito Corleone?

Movies are about fun, bottom line. This draft was just that.

Your general managers

FantasticoFantasy DoucheEddie StraitBlake HurtikDeion MoskalKat GotsickRumford JohnnyRamon RamirezRobert RichChris MarlerDavid KallisonKen GriggsJosh KleinSigmund BloomErin PaytonCourtney Cox

Round 10

#145 Sigmund Bloom: Frank Booth, “Blue Velvet”

Horrifying and hilarious, you’ll never forget Frank Booth. There have been many bizarrely compelling villains on the big screen, but they all fall short on the WTF? factor when compared to Dennis Hopper as Booth. According to Wikipedia, The part was offered to Robert Loggia, Willem Dafoe, and Richard Bright, who all turned it down. When Hopper read the script, he called Lynch and said, “You have to let me play Frank! Because I am Frank!” Remind me not to invite Hopper to any parties.

#146 Erin Payton: Joanna Stayton/Annie Profitt, “Overboard”

One of my favorite lines in a movie ever comes from Joanna/Annie. When Kurt Russell‘s Dean is introducing his sons to Joanna, recently hit with the amnesia hammer and being duped into thinking she is Dean’s wife, Dean’s youngest son responds in a goofy voice. Joanna/Annie turns to Dean and says deadpan, “A falsetto child?” Goldie Hawn‘s ’70s/’80s comedic reign was cut brutally short by collagen injections and “Bird on a Wire.” But her ability to play both characters to perfection in “Overboard” and let them blend into each other is genius. We believed it when she changes from cold-hearted bitch to loving mother and wife. It helped that she was being directed by one of my favorite schmaltzes, Garry Marshall.

#147 Robert Rich: Freddy Krueger, “Nightmare on Elm Street”

Don’t fall asleep. Freddy is one of the scariest horror movie villains of all time because there is no holing up somewhere for a brief moment of rest before going back on the run. That moment of rest is literally how he kills you. Don’t dream, don’t do anything resembling sleep, because the sharpest claws this side of a bridezilla are there, waiting to gut you. Are you not scared? Fine, it’s daylight right now. Just wait until you fall asleep.

#148 Fantastico: Hit Girl, “Kick Ass”

A 10-year-old, foul mouthed weapons expert with purple hair? Check the 2:00 mark of this video. Checkmate.

#149 Courtney Cox: Jesus Christ, Multiple (auto-draft)

I mean, what is there really to say here? Water to wine, flipping tables, healing sickness, and raising from the dead. All while dealing with that hater Pharisees. While I’m not a fan of Mel Gibson’s “Passion” or the Technicolor dance party, I’m honored to have Jesus of Nazareth on my team.

#150 Deion Moskal: Maya, “Zero Dark Thirty”

I felt like I had to take a female character to save myself from the Wrath of Kat. Then came the debate between picking a character based on sex appeal or the actual character. It came down to Maya or Phoebe Cates’ character from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” I didn’t know the nudity policy of BroJackson, so I played it safe.

But there is nothing safe about Maya. From the first moments of her being on screen when she turns down wearing a mask when interegating a terrorist she was a speeding bullet. The scenes when she is forced back to D.C. and totally owns the meetings with Leon Panetta are jaw-dropping.

And then there is the scene above. When she dresses down SEAL Team Six and tells them that they’re going kill Bin Laden for her. So much sexier than Cates’ red bikini.

#151 Blake Hurtik: Michelangelo, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

I caught some flak from of my contemporaries for this pick, but, in my eyes, after Joe Dirt went off the board, we pretty much can pick as haphazardly as we see fit. But I don’t see this as a reach. How many kids from the ’80s and ’90s didn’t love the Turtles? None. And they each have their merits. Leonardo is unquestionably the leader of the crew, but he’s pretty vanilla; a by-the-books leader who has the best weapons (swords, man!) and will never use them on an enemy unless it means throwing them into the ceiling and swinging off of them. Donatello is my favorite, as I’ve always been able to relate to the smart nerdy one who got things done behind the scenes for the crew (plus, his weapon had killer reach in the Ninja Turtles game for NES). Rafael is the cool kid, but too one-dimensional and moody for my taste. But Mikey? He’s the Party Dude, who adds much-needed humor to incredibly perilous situations. And he can actually hit enemies with his nunchuks and keep the movies PG. Pizzas for everyone.

#152 Fantasy Douche: Walter Sobchak, “The Big Lebowski”

Is this your homework Larry? I’m half tempted to start listing the quotes from perhaps the most quotable movie character of all time. Can you think of a more quotable character? Because I can’t. Walter’s signal to noise ratio in the quote department is off the chart like no character I can think of. A good question to ask is what percent of his dialogue isn’t quotable? Is it 20 percent Walter’s quotability is one of the under the radar movie achievements of all time. And to think he was just sitting out there for the taking in the 10th round of this draft.

#153 Rumford Johnny: Inigo Montoya, “The Princess Bride”

Inigo had one mission, to find and kill the man who killed his father, and he was hilarious in doing so, thanks to the brilliance of Christopher Guest.

#154 Ken Griggs: Holly Martins, “The Third Man”

My last pick in the draft and there’s no way this isn’t the best value. One of the best film noir movies ever and maybe the best theme ever (Anton Karaszither is otherworldly). I am Graham Greene fanatic. Save Ernest Hemingway, there’s not an author I’ve read more of. Greene wrote the treatment and screenplay for this movie and I’ve been a fan of it for years. Joseph Cotten plays Martins, teaming up with Orson Welles again, as both had been in “Citizen Kane.” Martins is a novelist—and not a particularly great one—with a bit of a drinking problem. He goes to post-war Vienna because his childhood friend Harry Lime (Welles) offered him a job. When he arrives he finds out Lime had been hit by a car and killed. Like most of Greene’s stories there are moralistic choices that are the forefront of the story. This is also a sentimental choice, as I was in Vienna a few years back and did “The Third Man” tour. I am obsessed with this movie and Holly Martins is the ultimate noir hero.

#155 Kat Gotsick: Jake, “Silverado”

Taking Jake in the last round is like when I took Cam Newton in the last round his rookie season. I gotta have him, but he’s definitely a novelty pick. 1 “Silverado” is one of the finest westerns ever made, one of the most respected, and one of the least known. It’s Lawrence Kasdan at the height of his post-“Star Wars” power, deciding what he wanted to make and making it exactly how he wanted to. 2 It’s a stacked cast, 3 a bunch of reluctant heroes, 4 a Brian Dennehy level villain 5 and my favorite Costner movie ever. He’s in a supporting role here, mostly in comic relief, but you see more than a hint of the heroes he would play in the not-too-distant future. He’s completely believable as both an earnest little brother and a two-fisted sniper with a fancy two-gun rig. He’s a joy to watch. You should watch him.

#156 Ramon Ramirez: Michael Corleone, “The Godfather” trilogy

I was hoping to take Tommy from “Goodfellas” here–the most colorful character from a movie I’ve seen countless times and love deeply. But then the two main characters from the two most celebrated American movies remained in the green room: Charles Foster Kane from “Citizen Kane,” and Michael from “The Godfather,” “The Godfather Part II,” and to a much lesser extent, “The Godfather Part III.” With hindsight, Kane is the biggest power move. At the time, I went with the guy I didn’t have to study during a film class. My heart still aches for “Goodfellas.”

As I’ve been watching “Breaking Bad” for the first time this summer, what always throws me off is the generic hip-hop tracks that the young characters listen to during the show. Music is such a key ingredient to film and television. “Pacific Rim” lost me with its offbrand metal tracks; but the halfway there “Man of Steel” kept my attention with its full orchestra. What puts “Goodfellas” above all mob films for me is Martin Scorsese’s masterful ability to craft a mixtape. The Derek and the Dominos “Layla” montage of uncovered, murdered henchman; the Henry Hill-backdoors-the-Copacabana one take mastershot set to The Crystals; the mob cookout set to The Moonglows’ “Sincerely.” Scorsese used just shy of 50 skillfully spliced in pop songs for his mob epic, dropping in George Harrison, Harry Nilsson, Muddy Waters, the Stones, The Who, and Cream just in the film’s final third.

But I’m building a team for December, and Tommy will be there on the waiver wire.

#157 Chris Marler: Dominic Torretto, “The Fast and the Furious” series

Not since Swayze‘s performance in “Road House” have I ever seen an actor deliver more awesomely bad quotes in an action movie. I said this the site the day “Fast 6″ came out, and I’ll say it again. For bros, the “Fast and Furious” movies are a lot like peeing outside. You don’t want to admit to it or get caught doing it, but secretly, as a dude, you love it. Toretto is an old school, tough, man’s man. He is an indestructible force that is made up solely of white tees, poor decisions, and lingering daddy issues. Despite all his stress and suppressed rage, Toretto still keeps his composure by living his life a quarter mile at a time. Now that shit is deep. Even if you hate the movies you have to give Toretto credit because it’s not easy to look so G when you’re surrounded by neon spoilers.

#158 Josh Klein: Mr. Miyagi, “The Karate Kid” Kenny Fisher, “Can’t Hardly Wait”

I was all set to let Special K fall off the board into undrafted free agent-land, but I couldn’t. In many ways, I was Kenny Fisher. Sure, I didn’t adopt the “White Knight” 6 persona quite as readily as he did, but I was just a goofball trying to fit in, a virgin trying to lose my virginity from both a social and penetrative perspective. The monologue he has in the convenience store is 92 percent fantastic; the moment where he points out the two girls who want to knock the boots with him, only to be questioned by his friends and storm off angrily after chastising them for “”wasting his flavor”” is played perfectly by Seth Green–a combination of embarrassment and anger that we all felt at some point during our high school career.

Other highlights:
“You wanna dance?” “I’m allergic.”
Goggles.
The entire “getting ready for boning” scene.
Denise Fleming is a tampon. 7

#159 David Kallison: Toaster, “Brave Little Toaster”

I was an anxious kid. I got scared of lots of things and worried far more than any six-year old should. At some point, my parents bought me “Brave Little Toaster” on VHS. I watched it over and over. Each time, the eponymous Toaster faced the same frightening situations. Each time, I was scared, enamored, and overjoyed when he and his appliance buddies made it to safety. Toaster was the easiest pick of this whole draft for me. He’s not just the heart of this team, he’s the soul.

#160 Eddie Strait: Mother, “Mother”

Mother is a one-woman wrecking crew. Not only does she single-handedly prove her son’s innoncence in a murder case, but she kicks the ass of almost everyone she meets along the way. She can go toe-to-toe with any of the extreme characters to come out of the South Korean boom of the 15 years, and she would mop the floor with the most of the big action names stateside. Seriously, if American movies were scared to go to the places this gem is, this character would become an instant icon.

THE TEAMS

Eddie Strait:

1. Marty McFly, “Back to the Future”
2. Woody, “Toy Story”
3. Derek Zoolander, “Zoolander”
4. Ofelia, “Pan’s Labyrinth”
5. Jason Bourne, “Bourne” movies
6. Hans Landa, “Inglourious Basterds”
7. Kirk Lazarus, “Tropic Thunder”
8. Daryl Zero, “Zero Effect”
9. Captain Miller, “Saving Private Ryan”
10. Mother, “Mother”

David Kallison:

1. Han Solo, “Star Wars” trilogy
2. Vito Corleone, “The Godfather” Trilogy
3. Ripley, The Alien Saga
4. Travis Bickle, “Taxi Driver”
5. Annie Hall, “Annie Hall”
6. Penny Lane, “Almost Famous”
7. King Kong, “King Kong”
8. Dr. Ian Malcolm,”Jurassic Park”
9. Lloyd Dobler, “Say Anything”
10. Toaster, Brave Little Toaster

Josh Klein:

1. Keyser Soze, “The Usual Suspects”
2. Batman, Multiple
3. Borat, “Borat”
4. Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
5. Tony Montana, “Scarface”
6. Buzz Lightyear, “Toy Story” trilogy
7. El Mariachi, “Desperado”
8. Mike Lowrey, “Bad Boys”
9. Mickey O’Neill, “Snatch”
10. Mr. Miyagi, “The Karate Kid”

Chris Marler:

1. Forrest Gump, “Forrest Gump”
2. Dalton, “Road House”
3. Doc Holliday, “Tombstone”
4. William Wallace, “Braveheart”
5. Jimmy Dugan, “A League of Their Own”
6. Rocky Balboa, “Rocky” series
7. Chet Steadman, “Rookie of the Year”
8. Captain Steven Hiller, “Independence Day”
9. Bill Harding, “Twister”
10. Dom Torretto, “The Fast and the Furious”

Ramon Ramirez:

1. Dr. Peter Venkman, “Ghostbusters”
2. James Bond, Multiple
3. Darth Vader, The Star Wars Saga
4. Detective Alonzo Harris, “Training Day”
5. Detective John Shaft, “Shaft” movies
6. Daniel Plainview, “There Will Be Blood”
7. Royal Tenenbaum, “The Royal Tenenbaums”
8. Axel Foley, “Beverly Hills Cop”
9. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, “The Sandlot”
10. Michael Corleone, “The Godfather”

Kat Gotsick

1. Wooderson, “Dazed and Confused”
2. Lina Lamont, “Singin’ in the Rain”
3. Rooster Cogburn, “True Grit” / “Rooster Cogburn”
4. Otto, “A Fish Called Wanda”
5. Hans Gruber, “Die Hard”
6. Lily von Shtupp, “Blazing Saddles”
7. Jeff Spicoli, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”
8. Serge, “Beverly Hills Cop”
9. Jane Craig, “Broadcast News”
10. Jake, “Silverado”

Ken Griggs

1. The Dude/Jeffrey Lebowski, “The Big Lebowski”
2. Rick Blaine, “Casablanca”
3. Bill the Butcher, “Gangs of New York”
4. Howard Beale, “Network”
5. Robert Dupea, “Five Easy Pieces”
6. General Buck Turgidson, “Dr. Strangelove”
7. Reggie Dunlop, “Slap Shot”
8. Charlie Kaufman, “Adaptation”
9. Nick, “The Deer Hunter”
10. Holly Martins, “The Third Man”

Rumford Johnny:

1. “Cool Hand” Luke, “Cool Hand Luke”
2. McMurphy, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”
3. Jules Winnfield, “Pulp Fiction”
4. The Bride, “Kill Bill”
5. Max Fischer, “Rushmore”
6. John “Bluto” Blutarsky, “Animal House”
7. Drexl Spivey, “True Romance”
8. Prince Akeem, “Coming to America”
9. Bela Lugosi, “Ed Wood”
10. Inigo Montoya, “The Princess Bride”

Fantasy Douche

1. William Munny, “Unforgiven”
2. Neil McCauley, “Heat”
3. Roy Batty, “Blade Runner”
4. Coach Norman Dale, “Hoosiers”
5. Lincoln Hawke, “Over the Top”
6. Irwin M. Fletcher, “Fletch”
7. Annie Savoy, “Bull Durham”
8. Fredo, “The Godfather” trilogy
9. Nomi Malone, “Showgirls”
10. Walter Sobchak, “The Big Lebowski”

Blake Hurtik

1. Andy Dufresne, “Shawshank Redemption”
2. Ferris Bueller, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”
3. Clark Griswold, The Vacation Series
4. Django, “Django Unchained”
5. Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, “Major League”
6. Kevin McAllister, “Home Alone”
7. Lt. Aldo Raine, “Inglourious Basterds”
8. Danny Ocean, “Ocean’s Eleven”
9. Marge Gunderson, “Fargo”
10. Michelangelo, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Deion Moskal:

1. John McClane, “Die Hard”
2. Special Agent Johnny Utah, “Point Break”
3. Patrick Bateman, “American Psycho”
4. Dr. Richard Kimball, “The Fugitive”
5. President Thomas Whitmore, “Independence Day”
6. Quint, “Jaws”
7. Joe Dirt, “Joe Dirt”
8. Jim Malone, “The Untouchables”
9. Bohdi, “Point Break”
10. Maya, “Zero Dark Thirty”

Courtney Cox

1. Atticus Finch, “To Kill A Mockingbird” (auto-draft)
2. Gale Weathers, “Scream” (auto-draft)
3. Hannibal Lecter, “Silence of the Lambs” (auto-draft)
4. Sparky Polastri, “Bring it On” (auto-draft)
5. Michael Myers, “Halloween” movies
6. Ash, “Army of Darkness”
7. Sarah Connor, “Terminator”
8. Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” (and other films)
9. Robocop, “Robocop”
10. Jesus, multiple

Fantastico:

1. Gollum, “Lord of the Rings”
2. The Joker, Multiple
3. Randy the Ram Robinson, “The Wrestler”
4. Dean Ziegler, “Cedar Rapids”
5. The Cable Guy, “The Cable Guy”
6. Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”
7. Don Logan, “Sexy Beast”
8. Steve Zissou, “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”
9. Joe Copper, “Killer Joe”
10. Hit Girl, “Kick Ass”

Robert Rich

1. Tyler Durden, “Fight Club”
2. Jack Torrance, “The Shining”
3. Alex Delarge, “A Clockwork Orange”
4. Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”
5. Tony Stark, “Iron Man”
6. Harry Potter, “Harry Potter” series
7. Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights”
8. Norman Bates, “Psycho”
9. Donkey, “Shrek”
10. Freddy Kreuger, “Nightmare on Elm Street”

Erin Payton

1. Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels, “Tootsie”
2. Indiana Jones, Multiple
3. Lisbeth Salander, The Dragon Tattoo Trilogy
4. Jonathan Mardukas, “Midnight Run”
5. Happy Gilmore, “Happy Gilmore”
6. Wadsworth, “Clue”
7. Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”
8. Jeffrey Anderson/Dr. Rod Randall, “Soapdish”
9. John Bender, “The Breakfast Club”
10. Joanna Staton/Annie Profitt, “Overboard”

Sigmund Bloom

1. Anton Chigurh, “No Country For Old Men”
2. Navin Johnson, “The Jerk”
3. Clementine Kruczynski, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
4. Antoine Doinel, “The 400 Blows”
5. Enrico “Ratso” Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy”
6. Chance the Gardener, “Being There”
7. Mrs. Robinson, “The Graduate”
8. HAL 9000, “2001: A Space Odyssey”
9. Monsieur Oscar, “Holy Motors”
10. Frank Booth, “Blue Velvet”

Notes:

  1. In Newton’s case, it TOTALLY paid off, yo.
  2. I liked “Silverado” so much, I actually saw “Grand Canyon” in the theater. Well, I didn’t see all of it. I left right around the Mary-Louise Parker boobs dream.
  3. Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Scott Glenn, Jeff Goldblum, John Cleese, James Gammon, Roseanna Arquette, and Linda Hunt, just to start you off.
  4. Not counting Costner’s Jake, who can’t wait to kill a bad guy or save a good one.
  5. Played by Brian Dennehy.
  6. Is that phrase racist? Anyone want to weigh in? I know the other one I was considering is. Let’s just call it “The W-Word.”
  7. This sentence probably would have gone undrafted in the “Sentences That Will Be Used Verbatim Twice In The #BroKnowsFilm Draft” Draft.

Texas-bred, BBQ, blues and baseball enthusiast.