#BroKnowsFilm Draft, Round 7

Jul 17, 2013
107 Views

Check out the earlier rounds of the #BroKnowsFilm draft: Round 1 / Round 2 / Round 3 / Round 4 / Round 5 / Round 6

I consider myself a music guy, first and foremost. Other folks disagree (see: The Apologist), but when I made decisions about worthy songs and trying to build a team of the best songs of all time, it stressed me out. With movies, it’s completely the opposite. I don’t feel bad if I don’t know a supposedly “classic” film. I have no qualms about admitting that I couldn’t care less about the great films of the ’50s and ’60s. I appreciate their place in movie history and don’t question the buffs who say they’re the best movies of all time, but for the most part, my feelings on them amount to “eh.”

So, for the #BroKnowsFilm draft, my strategy was more simple than the rules of beer pong: amass a collection of the movie characters I think are the coolest folks I’ve seen onscreen. I did so immediately in Round 1, while also giving a nod to favorite author Chuck Palahniuk, by taking Tyler Durden. I continued my trend by landing some popular Kubrick characters and, for all intents and purposes, won this thing early by adding Ron Burgundy to my roster.

This team is one that’d be a hell of a lot of fun to party with. Many of them could be given deep, insightful analyses into their place in cinematic history, but I’ll leave that for the experts and head on up to the Overlook Hotel to party with Jack Torrance. Grab your axe and join me, won’t you?

Your general managers

FantasticoFantasy DoucheEddie StraitBlake HurtikDeion MoskalKat GotsickRumford JohnnyRamon RamirezRobert RichChris MarlerDavid KallisonKen GriggsJosh KleinSigmund BloomErin PaytonCourtney Cox

Round 7

#97 Eddie Strait: Kirk Lazarus, “Tropic Thunder”

This is one of the most deceptively difficult comedic performances you’ll ever see. Characters like Zoolander, Borat, and Burgundy are all hilarious, but they’re just one character. Do you know who Kirk Lazarus is? Let me let him tell you: “I’m the dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude!” There’s a reason Robert Downey Jr. was Oscar nominated for this performance. As a reminder of this character’s genius, here’s his most memorable bit, an instant classic speech about the tight rope actors traverse in the name of glory:

“Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ‘Rain Man,’ look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, ‘Forrest Gump.’ Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, ‘Being There.’ Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, ‘I Am Sam.’ Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed.”

#98 David Kallison: King Kong, “King Kong”

He was a giant gorilla that was captured and then fell in love with a tiny human and climbed a fucking building for her. That’s some really noble shit. You wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t climb a goddamn building for some broad. That’s why he’s the king and way cooler than all you fakers.

#99 Josh Klein: El Mariachi, “Desperado”

Here’s why El Mariachi makes the Top 100, and we’re ecstatic to have him on the team:

1. Had sex with Salma Hayek at the peak of her hotness (her character is literally a sexy librarian)
2. The face he makes while trying to silence the cocking of the gun behind the bar
3. Unnamed characters kick ass
4. Guitar case full of guns
5. Guitar case full of guns
6. GUITAR CASE FULL OF GUNS

Apparently I am a sucker for dark characters with murky pasts who roam the land killing people and sparking urban legends about themselves. 1 At least I have a type.

#100 Chris Marler: Chet Steadman, “Rookie of the Year”

Gary Busey plays Chet Steadman, a surly washed up pitcher-turned-bedrudging mentor to Henry Rowengartner. I am usually very critical of baseball movies because they always cast the most inept actors to try and play baseball. This movie is no different, but it’s even more comical when you have someone like Busey playing a revered ballplayer nicknamed “Rocket.” It’s also a foreshadowing glimpse into Busey’s future, as he struggles to put together sentences without a handful of mutters and grunts, and even says that his airplane meal of salisbury steak is “the greatest salisbury steak he’s ever had.” To me that’s crazier than any of his trainwreck antics we’ve seen on his tour of bad reality shows on NBC and VH1.

#101 Ramon Ramirez: Royal Tenenbaum, “The Royal Tenenbaums”

I’m a sucker for Wes Anderson‘s beautifully-arranged and romantically-scored films. In the hands of a lesser talent, his aesthetics would render insufferable dioramas. But the scripts are overrun with life, wit, and sting. I enjoyed “The Life Aquatic” most because of its ambition, but there’s no doubt that Anderson’s best work is “The Royal Tenenbaums” because of its Oscar-nominated script and Gene Hackman‘s thunderbolt performance. Even those that don’t enjoy Anderson’s overly sardonic and dry characters have to burn one for Hackman’s Royal, an absentee scoundrel with a penchant for life’s leading vices. He’s proud, combative, slick, and with a soft side that makes him the coolest grandpa ever. But that’s part of the game–Royal has no problem wandering from his family ad infinitum until decades later his default seat at the head of the table is threatened when his estranged wife finds a smart, nurturing new suitor. Royal is no cuckold, and his pride leads him to reconcile the best way he knows how–getting a foot in the door and preying on his children’s affection until they turn on each other. He fakes terminal cancer, takes toddlers to the dog fights, and along the way, the throwaway lines are subtle gems, “I’m sorry for your loss, your mother was a terribly attractive woman.”

#102 Kat Gotsick: Jeff Spicoli, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

I regret not taking Spicoli sooner. We all slept on him and I woke up first. While Spicoli would be a tremendous choice on his own Spicolian terms, it is a total jaw-drop to watch it these days with 21 years of Sean Penn having stretched out so gloriously in between then and now. Watch the YouTube clip above and see if you can find the Sean Penn we know in there. The guy who played Harvey Milk is the dude in that surfer dream screaming, “Those guys are FAGS!” The guy who convinced Tim Robbins to kill himself in “Mystic River” is the dude screaming, “Hey Bud, let’s PARTY!” Wow. It makes me desperately wish he would take on another meaty comic supporting role.

#103 Ken Griggs: Reggie Dunlop, “Slap Shot”

I had Randy “The Ram” Robinson slated as my “sports movie character,” but Fantastico swooped in and swiped him early. I knew I could probably wait on Reggie and so I did. Paul Newman is so suave and good-looking, he could pull off a desperate over-the-hill hockey player and be so gawdamm lovable despite his nasty mouth. Seriously, he takes the gloves off throughout the movie and it’s hilarious. Too often the scenes with the Hanson brothers seem to take precedence, but Newman is the true star, as he always seemed to be. “They’re too stupid to play with themselves,” Dunlop says of the Hansons (though when I hear Steve Hanson say “Fookin’ machine took my quarter!” I lose it). Aside from all this the movie is simply hysterical. Plenty of great characters and Dunlop is the finest among them.

#104 Rumford Johnny: Drexl Spivey, “True Romance”

I love this character in part, because proper English gentleman, Gary Oldman, effortlessly transforms himself into a faux Rasta drug dealer. Over the top? Sure. A memorable movie badass with no do absolutely no redeemable qualities? You bet.

#105 Fantasy Douche: Annie Savoy, “Bull Durham”

Annie Savoy is a spirit guide who has taken it upon herself to guide young minor league baseball players on their journey to the big leagues. She’s half muse, half groupie. It wouldn’t be difficult to imagine that some part of Savoy’s character made its into Cameron Crowe’s brain while Penny Lane was being conceived. Like Lane, Savoy’s self-appointed role as spirit guide doesn’t mean that she has everything figured out for herself either. But Savoy’s character is rich because while she’s a piece of the puzzle in a movie about baseball and it would be easy for her to be there solely to serve the drama that revolves around the male baseball players, the movie is also about whether Savoy will figure out what she’s really looking for. Savoy’s character isn’t merely an accessory to Crash Davis’ any more than the reverse is true. The lack of compelling female characters in film has become a theme in this draft and this pick was my tiny contribution in the service of highlighting one of the great ones.

#106 Blake Hurtik: Lt. Aldo Raine, “Inglourious Basterds”

I’ve got two bonafide Tarantino sluggers on my squad now, both who kill in the name of justice. While Django is taking down slave owners, Aldo, Tennessee’s best solider, is busy scalpin’ Nat-zees. Brad Pitt really shines as Aldo, deploying an intoxicatingly Tennessean accent that, when paired with Christoph Waltz‘s Hans Landa, creates one of the best back-and-forths of all time. I went to Nashville shortly after seeing “Basterds” and took a tour of the famous Ryman Auditorium. Sure enough, our creaky old tour guide sounded like he could have been Raine’s grandpa. Well done, Pitt.

“I sure as hell didn’t come down from the Smoky Mountains, across 5,000 miles of water and find my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fucking aero-plane to teach the Nat-zees lessons in humanity.”

Amen.

#107 Deion Moskal: Joe Dirt, “Joe Dirt”

I saw this movie my junior year of high school on HBO. The next day in Spanish class I had to tell my friend Mike about how funny it was, especially the part where he can’t understand Shawn Hunter‘s dad’s Cajun accent. As luck would have it the scene was still fresh in my mind and I could not get through telling him about it without laughing so hard that I couldn’t complete a sentence. So I had to write the punch line to the story on the back of my notebook: “You like to see homos naked?”

#108 Courtney Cox: Sarah Connor, “Terminator” (auto-draft)

LADIES! I feel for Sarah Connor. You’re just trying to make it through life, and a cyborg is out to get you. “Terminator” has everything every movie needs: a good love story, time travel, and one timeless quote in particular that we wore out a long time ago.

#109 Fantastico: Don Logan, “Sexy Beast”

If you like profanity and murder this is your guy. Hard to believe the same guy played Gandhi.

#110 Robert Rich: Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights”

I’m the NASCAR writer, of course I’m making this pick. It just makes it even better that the character’s a stone-cold stud. Thank the lord baby Jesus there’s a NASCAR tie in this draft.

#111 Erin Payton: Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”

I really could have drafted any character from “Steel Magnolias.” Each one is multi-dimensional and brilliantly portrayed by an actress who was at the top of her game. But Ouiser speaks to me in a way that the others don’t. She is a paradox: wealthy, but dresses like a hobo; masculine, but goes to the beauty parlor regularly; gruff as a sailor, but sentimental as all get out. Her scenes with Tom Skeritt‘s Drum are a fierce tennis match. And you know who wins? The audience. That’s who wins. The audience.

#112 Sigmund Bloom: Mrs. Robinson, “The Graduate”

How many characters on this list had #1 hit songs written about them? How many created an entire archetype in their wake? Mrs. Robinson is larger than life. She doesn’t need a first name. She doesn’t need anyone’s permission to seduce her husband’s law partner’s son because she’s bored. Hollywood is fond of pairing up women with men that are decades older than them, but no one has ever pulled off the September in May-September like Anne Bancroft.

THE TEAMS AFTER SEVEN OF 10 ROUNDS

Eddie Strait:
1. Marty McFly, “Back to the Future”
2. Woody, “Toy Story”
3. Derek Zoolander, “Zoolander”
4. Ofelia, “Pan’s Labyrinth”
5. Jason Bourne, “Bourne” movies
6. Hans Landa, “Inglourious Basterds”
7. Kirk Lazarus, “Tropic Thunder”

David Kallison:
1. Han Solo, “Star Wars” trilogy
2. Vito Corleone, “The Godfather” Trilogy
3. Ripley, The Aliens Saga
4. Travis Bickle, “Taxi Driver”
5. Annie Hall, “Annie Hall”
6. Penny Lane, “Almost Famous”
7. King Kong, “King Kong”

Josh Klein:
1. Keyser Soze, “Usual Suspects”
2. Batman, Multiple
3. Borat, “Borat”
4. Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
5. Tony Montana, “Scarface”
6. Buzz Lightyear, “Toy Story” trilogy
7. El Mariachi, “Desperado”

Chris Marler:
1. Forrest Gump, “Forrest Gump”
2. Dalton, “Road House”
3. Doc Holliday, “Tombstone”
4. William Wallace, “Braveheart”
5. Jimmy Dugan, “A League of Their Own”
6. Rocky Balboa, “Rocky” series
7. Chet Steadman, “Rookie of the Year”

Ramon Ramirez:
1. Dr. Peter Venkman, “Ghostbusters”
2. James Bond, Multiple
3. Darth Vader, The Star Wars Saga
4. Detective Alonzo Harris, “Training Day”
5. Detective John Shaft, “Shaft” movies
6. Daniel Plainview, “There Will Be Blood”
7. Royal Tenenbaum, “The Royal Tenenbaums”

Kat Gotsick
1. Wooderson, “Dazed and Confused”
2. Lina Lamont, “Singin’ in the Rain”
3. Rooster Cogburn, “True Grit” / “Rooster Cogburn”
4. Otto, “A Fish Called Wanda”
5. Hans Gruber, “Die Hard”
6. Lily von Shtupp, “Blazing Saddles”
7. Jeff Spicoli, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

Ken Griggs
1. The Dude/Jeffrey Lebowski, “The Big Lebowski”
2. Rick Blaine, “Casablanca”
3. Bill the Butcher, “Gangs of New York”
4. Howard Beale, “Network”
5. Robert Dupea, “Five Easy Pieces”
6. General Buck Turgidson, “Dr. Strangelove”
7. Reggie Dunlop, “Slap Shot”

Rumford Johnny:
1. “Cool Hand” Luke, “Cool Hand Luke”
2. McMurphy, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”
3. Jules Winnfield, “Pulp Fiction”
4. The Bride, “Kill Bill”
5. Max Fischer, “Rushmore”
6. John “Bluto” Blutarsky, “Animal House”
7. Drexl Spivey, “True Romance”

Fantasy Douche
1. William Munny, “Unforgiven”
2. Neil McCauley, “Heat”
3. Roy Batty, “Blade Runner”
4. Coach Norman Dale, “Hoosiers”
5. Lincoln Hawke, “Over the Top”
6. Irwin M. Fletcher, “Fletch”
7. Annie Savoy, “Bull Durham”

Blake Hurtik
1. Andy Dufresne, “Shawshank Redemption”
2. Ferris Bueller, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”
3. Clark Griswold, The Vacation Series
4. Django, “Django Unchained”
5. Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, “Major League”
6. Kevin McAllister, “Home Alone”
7. Lt. Aldo Raine, “Inglourious Basterds”

Deion Moskal:
1. John McClane, “Die Hard”
2. Special Agent Johnny Utah, “Point Break”
3. Patrick Bateman, “American Psycho”
4. Dr. Richard Kimball, “The Fugitive”
5. President Thomas Whitmore, “Independence Day”
6. Quint, “Jaws”
7. Joe Dirt, “Joe Dirt”

Courtney Cox
1. Atticus Finch, “To Kill A Mockingbird” (auto-draft)
2. Gale Weathers, “Scream” (auto-draft)
3. Hannibal Lecter, “Silence of the Lambs” (auto-draft)
4. Sparky Polastri, “Bring it On” (auto-draft)
5. Michael Myers, “Halloween” movies
6. Ash, “Army of Darkness”
7. Sarah Connor, “Terminator”

Fantastico:
1. Gollum, “Lord of the Rings”
2. The Joker, Multiple
3. Randy the Ram Robinson, “The Wrestler”
4. Dean Ziegler, “Cedar Rapids”
5. The Cable Guy, “The Cable Guy”
6. Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”
7. Don Logan, “Sexy Beast”

Robert Rich
1. Tyler Durden, “Fight Club”
2. Jack Torrance, “The Shining”
3. Alex Delarge, “A Clockwork Orange”
4. Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”
5. Tony Stark, “Iron Man”
6. Harry Potter, “Harry Potter” series
7. Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights”

Erin Payton
1. Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels, “Tootsie”
2. Indiana Jones, Multiple
3. Lisbeth Salander, The Dragon Tattoo Trilogy
4. Jonathan Mardukas, “Midnight Run”
5. Happy Gilmore, “Happy Gilmore”
6. Wadsworth, “Clue”
7. Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”

Sigmund Bloom
1. Anton Chigurh, “No Country For Old Men”
2. Navin Johnson, “The Jerk”
3. Clementine Kruczynski, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
4. Antoine Doinel, “The 400 Blows”
5. Enrico “Ratso” Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy”
6. Chance the Gardener, “Being There”
7. Mrs. Robinson, “The Graduate”

Notes:

  1. See my first round pick below.

Robert Rich is a digital marketer living in Dallas, TX. He knows more than you'll ever want to about NASCAR, professional wrestling, and all those modern rock bands you listened to during your angsty high school years. Follow him on Twitter: @RobertRich.