Home Movies #BroKnowsFilm Draft, Round 8

#BroKnowsFilm Draft, Round 8

0 74

Check out the earlier rounds of the #BroKnowsFilm draft: Round 1 / Round 2 / Round 3 / Round 4 Round 5 / Round 6 / Round 7

Most of the fun and difficulty of being a GM in this draft came from the lack of guidance. I’m not even sure we had the word “best” to guide us, but that is open-ended enough to really be no guidance at all. We were left to define our criteria, and to me that could best be summed up in one word: “memorable.” I wanted my team to be made up of characters that stuck with me. Characters that I have been constantly reminded of in other movies, and in my day-to-day life. Beyond that, I suppose the characters I chose are a Rorschach of my personality. I am drawn to flawed characters. Characters that can’t quite accomplish what they set out to do, in part because they’re somewhat confused about what they should set out to do, or who they even are. Arch-evil characters like Chigurh and Booth don’t quite fit, but the others resonate with that part of my personality. 1
So that brings us to Round 8, and my choice of HAL 9000. I had this one in my back pocket for the entire draft and couldn’t wait any longer to add HAL. The theme of technology eventually destroying (or at least trying to destroy) us is common in our films, and I’m not sure that human vs. artificial intelligence has been presented more starkly than it was in “2001: A Space Odyssey” (OK, maybe “Westworld” or “The Terminator”). Beyond being a standard-bearer for computers that will seek to destroy their masters, HAL 9000 also delivers menacing lines in a monotone when Hannibal was still associated with elephants instead of masterminding mass murder.
I was sad to see Steve Zissou go after my pick. “Life Aquatic” is my favorite Wes Anderson movie for reasons that would take too long to get into here, and the Zissou character has taken on additional meaning to me since I became a father. We even had a Zissou-themed baby shower and our son’s room’s paint job is a Zissou-themed mural. Fredo was an inspired pick, as Frank said, he brings the humanity to the “Godfather” trilogy. Charlie Kaufman in “Adapation” was an outstanding addition representing the “one character split into two” tradition in film. Back-to-back “Beverly Hills Cop” characters and Will Smith characters seems appropriate. Before the black rapper turned film star was the black comedian turned film star. Did I mention that Axel Foley wasn’t even the first Eddie Murphy character taken in this round?
More than seeing which characters were taken and not taken, or which characters were added to existing teams after we got an idea of their drafting styles, this draft was a wonderful exercise because it was in essence a declaration of love of film and its effects on us as human beings. We are all moved by different types of characters for different reasons, but the bottom line is that we are all moved. It was a great pleasure to share with y’all the characters that have moved me the most over the years.

Your general managers

FantasticoFantasy DoucheEddie StraitBlake HurtikDeion MoskalKat GotsickRumford JohnnyRamon RamirezRobert RichChris MarlerDavid KallisonKen GriggsJosh KleinSigmund BloomErin PaytonCourtney Cox

Round 8

#113 Sigmund Bloom: HAL 9000, “2001: A Space Odyssey

I understand why I was compelled to take HAL 9000 about as well as I understand the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey,” but I do know that both stayed with me for good. HAL is a paradox, like Wall-E (also on my short list in the artificial intelligence category, along with Johnny Five), the most human character in the film, despite being non-human. Unlike Wall-E, HAL doesn’t save humanity, but instead snuffs out the humans he serves when he discovers that they are going to disconnect him. His “death” marked by his “life” (via his programming) flashing through his haunting voice is the high point of his “performance.”

#114 Erin Payton: Jeffrey Anderson/Dr. Rod Randall, “Soapdish”

For my bachelorette party, I had three demands: a sleepover, pizza, and the film “Soapdish.” Scientists have determined that any movie that Kevin Kline wears a mustache in is fabulous. I subscribe to this camp, and “Soapdish” is no exception. Jeffrey Anderson‘s monologue about playing Willy Loman in a Florida dinner theater is hilarious, as are his back and forths with Sally Field‘s Celeste. But his character also has a nice arc, as beneath his cavalier ladies man, we see a guy whose career and life didn’t turn out as he had planned. It is all the more rewarding then to see both come full circle.

#115 Robert Rich: Norman Bates, “Psycho”

The man all parenting counselors would give an arm and a leg to study. Norman Bates is “mommy issues” personified. Hell, if you were holed up in a dirty motel with only your mom, you’d probably go crazy and start killing guests too. How else do you pass the time?

#116 Fantastico: Steve Zissou, “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”

The jumpsuit alone wins my heart. The ends definitely justify the means for Steve-o.

#117 Courtney Cox: Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” (and other films)  (auto-draft)

Never autodraft, kids. This pick disgusts me. Ace Ventura has the be one of the most annoying movie characters of all time, and it’s not even close. How did they talk Dan Marino into this movie?

#118 Deion MoskalJim Malone, “The Untouchables” 

I wanted a Sean Connery pick. I really wanted to take Captain John Patrick Mason from “The Rock,” but I was riding this air of confidence from the draft with my last few picks of people proclaiming me the early winner, so I wanted to pick something off the radar just to prove that I could. It’s like it “Mean Girls” when Gretchen Wieners tried to make “Fetch” happen, but I actually did. I coached a middle school soccer team and I used a variation of this speech before a game once: “They put the ball in our half, we put it in their box. They put it in the box, we put it in the goal.”

#119 Blake Hurtik: Danny Ocean, “Ocean’s Eleven” (and other films)

A suave thief played by both Frank Sinatra and George Clooney? I’d call that a steal. I’ll be here all night.

#120 Fantasy Douche: Fredo, “The Godfather” trilogy

Not every character can be a badass like Roy Batty, Will Munny, or even Michael Corleone for that matter. Some characters have to serve the plot in other ways. There’s a humanity to Fredo’s character that tells us what it might be like growing up a Corleone if you’re not hard like Michael is. After all, being dumb is only really half of Fredo’s problem, because he’s also soft and that softness is really his undoing. There’s probably a good amount of Fredo in DeAngelo, the character from David Simon’s “The Wire.” Like Fredo, DeAngelo is a part of a crime family by birth and yet lacks the intelligence and toughness to really play the game. Also like Fredo, DeAngelo is the character that brings perspective to what’s actually happening on screen. If the perspective and humanity that Fredo brings to the screen aren’t your thing, he also does waitresses two at a time, so there’s that.

#121 Rumford Johnny: Prince Akeem, “Coming to America”

Prince Akeem is a single part of a tour de force by Eddie Murphy and makeup artist Rick Baker. Prince Akeem (Murphy) interacts with barbers, musicians, and old Jewish barbershop patrons . . . all also played by Murphy. Akeem is perhaps more virtuous than any man should be, in his ultimate pursuit of true love.

#122 Ken Griggs: Charlie Kaufman, “Adaptation”

In what is a post-post-modern classic (I think post-modern is quite old and all so I guess adding another prefix solves that problem), Nic Cage puts in his best performance since playing H.I. McDunnough in “Raising Arizona.” The best part of this performance is that Cage plays both Charlie and the fictional brother Donald. It’s absolutely brilliant and almost makes up for all those “National Treasure” flicks. What the film does is show us the writing process, perhaps not as in-depth as Kaufman’s later film “Synecdoche, New York,” but certainly in a less pretentious way. The key is understanding the creative process and knowing that there is so much of ourselves in work that it’s nearly impossible to separate ourselves from it. The way Cage bounces off the characters in this film—Brian Cox, Meryl Streep, and Chris Cooper are all fantastic—I could talk for hours about this film. For me, easily the best character Cage ever played.

#123 Kat Gotsick: Serge, “Beverly Hills Cop”

I was a senior in high school when “Beverly Hills Cop” came out. My hometown had one cinema with a single screen and “Cop” stuck around long enough for me to see it three times, same as “Rocky,” same as “Coal Miner’s Daughter.” The only thing I remember about the first viewing was that while Eddie Murphy was delightful, I LOVED SERGE. Any scene with both of them in it? Serge won. Eddie beat everyone else. Serge beat Eddie. By the time I went back for viewing number three, I had memorized all of Serge’s lines and recited them along with him. I think it’s also significant that Bronson Pinchot parlayed this single scene-stealing performance into a whole career. Side note: Josh Klein hates this pick. If I had known how much, I would have taken Serge two rounds earlier. 2

#124 Ramon Ramirez: Axel Foley, “Beverly Hills Cop” films

This is a toast to Murphy in the ’80s, his “Saturday Night Live” sketchography, stand up specials, and winning streak of comic performances. “Coming to America” is near and dear because it’s the first rated R movie I saw, but Foley is Murphy’s most realized character. It’s not that Murphy casually transitioned to action hero like it was nothing, it’s the way he responds to tragedy. Foley leaves Detroit for Los Angeles for three straight films to seek justice for the death or near-death of close friends. First it’s fish-out-of-water comedy, the sequel has the most gun violence-led action, and even when he’s undercover as a theme park mascot in part three, Foley has the centered chops and one-liner charm to make the stupid premise digestible.

#125 Chris Marler: Captain Steven Hiller, “Independence Day”

“Welcome to Earth!”
Sandwiched between the hot-shot Miami cop in the “Bad Boys” movies is Will Smith‘s other best alpha male character, Captain Steven Hiller. Hiller is the only thing standing in between Earth and its seemingly unavoidable apocalypse. I mean, yeah, he had Harry Connick Jr. and Jeff Goldblum as his sidekicks, but for Christ’s sake, they provide the same amount of intimidation and street cred as Smith’s rap career. I’ve never been a huge Smith fan. It’s hard for me to buy into his acting as a tough action hero when I know that he is also responsible for the sonic atrocity and sampling theft that is “Gettin’ Jiggy With It.” Luckily, “Id4″ came out a year before that song did. Outside of falling in love with a stripper, he has almost no flaws.

#126 Josh Klein: Mike Lowrey, “Bad Boys”

Back to back Smiths. If you’re pronouncing this character with an extra syllable in the surname, you already know how awesome Mike Lowrey is. Throw in Martin Lawrence pretending to be Mike, and the fact that when he cums, he cums with the thunder? Lowery should have gone higher. PLUS THE SCENE WHERE MARTIN LAWRENCE DUNKS THE PICKLE IN THE GLASS TO WASH OFF THE SALT IS WHEN HE IS IN CHARACTER AS MIKE LOWREY. Done.

#127 David Kallison: Dr. Ian Malcolm, “Jurassic Park”

The second-best character from the best movie ever made? Call it a slam dunk. Adios, muchachos.
Dr. Malcolm had the most zingers and I think that’s why he made it off Isla Nublar. In the book, the lawyer and the hunter are more heroic and live. Steven Spielberg shuffled the lifeline deck for his masterful adaptation with an ear toward the toys and franchise: the Asian raptor scientist is eaten by raptors in the book; there’s a superfluous character named Ed Regis that is eaten by a baby T-Rex; the sick triceratops is a sick stegosaurus. Malcolm was so memorable that he got the less magical sequel all to himself.

#128 Eddie Strait: Daryl Zero, “Zero Effect” 

You know what’s great about this draft? Nobody took that asshat Jack Sparrow, while low-key neurotics Daryl Zero and Charlie Kaufman are off the board.

THE TEAMS AFTER EIGHT OF 10 ROUNDS

Eddie Strait:
1. Marty McFly, “Back to the Future”
2. Woody, “Toy Story”
3. Derek Zoolander, “Zoolander”
4. Ofelia, “Pan’s Labyrinth”
5. Jason Bourne, “Bourne” movies
6. Hans Landa, “Inglourious Basterds”
7. Kirk Lazarus, “Tropic Thunder”
8. Daryl Zero, “Zero Effect”

David Kallison:
1. Han Solo, “Star Wars” trilogy
2. Vito Corleone, “The Godfather” Trilogy
3. Ripley, The Alien Saga
4. Travis Bickle, “Taxi Driver”
5. Annie Hall, “Annie Hall”
6. Penny Lane, “Almost Famous”
7. King Kong, “King Kong”
8. Dr. Ian Malcolm,”Jurassic Park”

Josh Klein:
1. Keyser Soze, “The Usual Suspects”
2. Batman, Multiple
3. Borat, “Borat”
4. Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”
5. Tony Montana, “Scarface”
6. Buzz Lightyear, “Toy Story” trilogy
7. El Mariachi, “Desperado”
8. Mike Lowrey, “Bad Boys”

Chris Marler:
1. Forrest Gump, “Forrest Gump”
2. Dalton, “Road House”
3. Doc Holliday, “Tombstone”
4. William Wallace, “Braveheart”
5. Jimmy Dugan, “A League of Their Own”
6. Rocky Balboa, “Rocky” series
7. Chet Steadman, “Rookie of the Year”
8. Captain Steven Hiller, “Independence Day”

Ramon Ramirez:
1. Dr. Peter Venkman, “Ghostbusters”
2. James Bond, Multiple
3. Darth Vader, The Star Wars Saga
4. Detective Alonzo Harris, “Training Day”
5. Detective John Shaft, “Shaft” movies
6. Daniel Plainview, “There Will Be Blood”
7. Royal Tenenbaum, “The Royal Tenenbaums”
8. Axel Foley, “Beverly Hills Cop”

Kat Gotsick
1. Wooderson, “Dazed and Confused”
2. Lina Lamont, “Singin’ in the Rain”
3. Rooster Cogburn, “True Grit” / “Rooster Cogburn”
4. Otto, “A Fish Called Wanda”
5. Hans Gruber, “Die Hard”
6. Lily von Shtupp, “Blazing Saddles”
7. Jeff Spicoli, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”
8. Serge, “Beverly Hills Cop”

Ken Griggs
1. The Dude/Jeffrey Lebowski, “The Big Lebowski”
2. Rick Blaine, “Casablanca”
3. Bill the Butcher, “Gangs of New York”
4. Howard Beale, “Network”
5. Robert Dupea, “Five Easy Pieces”
6. General Buck Turgidson, “Dr. Strangelove”
7. Reggie Dunlop, “Slap Shot”
8. Charlie Kaufman, “Adaptation”

Rumford Johnny:
1. “Cool Hand” Luke, “Cool Hand Luke”
2. McMurphy, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”
3. Jules Winnfield, “Pulp Fiction”
4. The Bride, “Kill Bill”
5. Max Fischer, “Rushmore”
6. John “Bluto” Blutarsky, “Animal House”
7. Drexl Spivey, “True Romance”

Fantasy Douche
1. William Munny, “Unforgiven”
2. Neil McCauley, “Heat”
3. Roy Batty, “Blade Runner”
4. Coach Norman Dale, “Hoosiers”
5. Lincoln Hawke, “Over the Top”
6. Irwin M. Fletcher, “Fletch”
7. Annie Savoy, “Bull Durham”
8. Fredo, “The Godfather” trilogy

Blake Hurtik
1. Andy Dufresne, “Shawshank Redemption”
2. Ferris Bueller, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”
3. Clark Griswold, The Vacation Series
4. Django, “Django Unchained”
5. Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, “Major League”
6. Kevin McAllister, “Home Alone”
7. Lt. Aldo Raine, “Inglourious Basterds”
8. Danny Ocean, “Ocean’s Eleven”

Deion Moskal:
1. John McClane, “Die Hard”
2. Special Agent Johnny Utah, “Point Break”
3. Patrick Bateman, “American Psycho”
4. Dr. Richard Kimball, “The Fugitive”
5. President Thomas Whitmore, “Independence Day”
6. Quint, “Jaws”
7. Joe Dirt, “Joe Dirt”
8. Jim Malone, “The Untouchables

Courtney Cox
1. Atticus Finch, “To Kill A Mockingbird” (auto-draft)
2. Gale Weathers, “Scream” (auto-draft)
3. Hannibal Lecter, “Silence of the Lambs” (auto-draft)
4. Sparky Polastri, “Bring it On” (auto-draft)
5. Michael Myers, “Halloween” movies
6. Ash, “Army of Darkness”
7. Sarah Connor, “Terminator”
8. Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” (and other films)

Fantastico:
1. Gollum, “Lord of the Rings”
2. The Joker, Multiple
3. Randy the Ram Robinson, “The Wrestler”
4. Dean Ziegler, “Cedar Rapids”
5. The Cable Guy, “The Cable Guy”
6. Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”
7. Don Logan, “Sexy Beast”
8. Steve Zissou, “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”

Robert Rich
1. Tyler Durden, “Fight Club”
2. Jack Torrance, “The Shining”
3. Alex Delarge, “A Clockwork Orange”
4. Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”
5. Tony Stark, “Iron Man”
6. Harry Potter, “Harry Potter” series
7. Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights”
8. Norman Bagtes, “Psycho

Erin Payton
1. Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels, “Tootsie”
2. Indiana Jones, Multiple
3. Lisbeth Salander, The Dragon Tattoo Trilogy
4. Jonathan Mardukas, “Midnight Run”
5. Happy Gilmore, “Happy Gilmore”
6. Wadsworth, “Clue”
7. Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”
8. Jeffrey Anderson/Dr. Rod Randall, “Soapdish”

Sigmund Bloom
1. Anton Chigurh, “No Country For Old Men”
2. Navin Johnson, “The Jerk”
3. Clementine Kruczynski, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
4. Antoine Doinel, “The 400 Blows”
5. Enrico “Ratso” Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy”
6. Chance the Gardener, “Being There”
7. Mrs. Robinson, “The Graduate”
8. HAL 9000, “2001: A Space Odyssey”

Notes:

  1. As an aside, how about Rumford Johnny’s love affair with the rebel?
  2. JOKE