Sometimes a Party Planner must lean on a lifetime achievement award winner to carry their party. Enter “Red 2,” the second installment of what I assume will be the “Helen Mirren: Asskicker” trilogy. Wrong, Hollywood. Mirren always kicks ass. She is a reason to celebrate anything, even the sequel to a movie where John Malkovich plays Murdock.

All of your guests should arrive at this party in disguise. You should assign each party guest an assassin from among the other party guests and just to make things interesting, let them use real tasers. JOKING, Party Planners! No one should ever get tased at one of your parties.


Anthony Schnappkins– Butterscotch schnapps. Great to share as you’re having an old friend for dinner.
John Malkaholavich – Pure grain alcohol. A great drink for mice and men.
Catherine Zima Jones – A youthful drink that old men love.
Byeungling Hun Lee – An unknown drink compared to all the rest.
Titus Welldrinker – An uncredited drink.


Bruce Willies – Vienna Sausages
Melon Mirren – Watermelon on a crumpet
Mary Jane Louise Parker – Brownies
Bread 2 – Because everything needs a sequel
Mousse Willis – A creamy dessert that will make you beg for (Demi) more

The Drinking Game

Take a drink every time one of these things happen:

  • A car does a slow spin around.
  • The action takes a break so Bruce Willis can discuss his relationship.
  • Mary-Louise Parker gets jealous.
  • Someone makes a “too old for this shit” crack.
  • You wonder how the Asian guy fits into the “we so old” theme.
  • You imagine Mirren as Queen Elizabeth saying what she just said.
  • Malkovich does something out of paranoia.

SOCIAL: Drink for 10 seconds during the inevitable Morgan Freeman cameo.