A few nights ago, I was enjoying a tasty beverage with one of my friends, and we started talking about our favorite guilty pleasure songs. He somehow thought that “You Had A Bad Day” by Daniel Powter was a guilty pleasure song, which I quickly rebuffed. “That song is terrific,” I said, “Let me show you a guilty pleasure song.” I walked over to the digital jukebox, one of those fancy machines where you can choose from any song ever created, and went in.
Now that, Henry Arnold, is a guilty pleasure song. Like writing history with lightning. One of my favorite memories from college is driving down a country road in Chapel Hill with my friend Poopy, 1 the windows down and the stereo up, unsure whether we were singing along with the chorus ironically or not. Henry walked to the jukebox, paid a dollar for a single song, 2, and tried to one up me.
“Doesn’t count,” I said “that’s just a terrible remake of a terrific country song.”
“Meh. The Dolly Parton version does nothing for me, I only like the Jessica version, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.”
There’s so many things wrong with this sentence: The fact that Nancy Sinatra is the original artist; that he likes the Simpson version better; that he refers to her only by her first name, and that he feels guilty about liking this terrific song. Have I mentioned that my friend is the worst?
This started a fifty minute, three-beer conversation about which Simpson was better. It didn’t end in a conclusion, but it did get me thinking about some other Simpsons that I liked, and some Simpsons I didn’t care for. So I decided to make up a list and give it a title that would generate a lot of clicks. I’m all about Google analytics. Ladies and gentlemen,
UPSKIRT MILEY CYRUS JASON COLLINS GAY: A JOSH KLEIN JOINT The best and worst Simpsons.
Worst Simpson: MERTON SIMPSON
In an incredibly interesting story that mostly got passed over by news outlets, this fantastic abstract artist didn’t have any money to be buried, but had literally millions of dollars in his personal art collection. He also painted this, and it gave me nightmares:
Best Simpson: JEROME SIMPSON
C’mon. You knew he was making this list.
Best Simpson: ASHLEE SIMPSON
For having only a famous sister and one hit single in her life, Ashlee has a lot of highlights. There’s the SNL performance that turned into an awkward hoedown, the 2005 Orange Bowl halftime show that turned into a “Philly fans vs. Santa” situation, not to mention the big ol’ honker that turned into a model’s pug nose overnight. But while a few people might not love Ashlee, I want her to succeed. I was sad when her relationship with Pete Wentz ended worse than Shane Morris‘. She’s may have smaller boobs, but she’s got more musical chops 3 than her more famous sister, if you don’t think “Boyfriend” is a jam, you are mistaken. Just don’t ask her to sing it live. After all, The Beatles stopped performing live and then recorded Sgt. Pepper.
Worst Simpson: FREDDIE SIMPSON
Played Ellen Sue Gotlander, the fourth best player 4 on the Rockford Peaches.
Best Simpson: DON SIMPSON
Movies that Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer produced as a team:
- “The Rock”
- “Dangerous Minds”
- “The Ref”
- “Crimson Tide”
- “Bad Boys”
- “Days Of Thunder”
- “Top Gun”
- “Beverly Hills Cop”
- “Beverly Hills Cop II”
Movies that Bruckheimer produced after Simpson died:
- “Con Air”
- “Enemy Of The State”
- “Gone In Sixty Seconds”
- “Coyote Ugly”
- “Pearl Harbor”
- “Black Hawk Down”
- “Kangaroo Jack”
- “Pirates Of The Caribbean”
- “Bad Boys II”
- “King Arthur”
- “National Treasure”
- “Glory Road”
- “More Pirates Of The Caribbean”
- “More National Treasure”
- “A Bunch Of Crap”
Hey Josh’s point, are you an underrated movie starring Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau? Because you are totally Made.
Worst Simpson: JESSICA SIMPSON
Fun Fact: While researching this article, I looked for some famous J-Simps songs. After watching this video at least four times, I realized that her sonic body of work was less memorable than NFL journeyman receiver Chaz Schilens. The singles I attributed to her were either Mandy Moore (“Candy”) or Donna Lewis (“I Love You Always Forever”), and it would appear that the only reasons she became famous was her reality show “Newlyweds.” She wasn’t able to tell the difference between chicken and tuna, but her largest contribution to the world we know today was becoming the first celebrity to become famous simply for being the three things that it seems are required nowadays: Stupid, beautiful, and on television. And not that looks are everything, but let’s get serious.
Best Simpson: ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON
I know you’re raising an eyebrow here, but let’s look at his career achievements:
- Terrific Nickname
- Only player ever to rush for over 2,000 yards in a 14-game season
- Without the O.J. trial, Jackie Chiles doesn’t exist
- Holds the record for the Heisman trophy’s largest margin of victory
- Only player to rush for over 200 yards in six different games
- Best Hertz pitchman ever
- “Naked Gun”
- “Naked Gun 2 1/2″
- Hosted an episode of “Saturday Night Live” in 1978
- Widely credited with making Kim Kardashian famous
- A copy of his book once sold for $65,000 on eBay
- HE LITERALLY GOT AWAY WITH MURDER.
And you thought I couldn’t list the best Simpsons without mentioning Homer. You’re so stupid. 5