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Your complete “Snowpiercer” viewing party plan, including pun style food, drink, and a drinking game.

Food

Railroad snacks - served either cold or hot, nothing in between
Roepiercer – caviar that’s been frozen and then reheated by 5-year-old children
CW-7 layer dip – to match the number of layers in Chris Evans’ seven-pack
Gamey Bell Platter - a spread of venison, rabbit and pheasant served on a bed of quailroad tracks
Tilda Swint-buns – dinner rolls that look a little weird, taste a little weird and are still somehow really awesome
John Sk-Hurt steak – cow arm
Octa-brie-a Spencer – award winning cheese that doesn’t need any Help
Krone-rolls – egg rolls made of industrial waste
Bong Prune-ho – a Korean fruit dish that you must chill in Yekaterina Fridge
Protein stalks – celery painted black and sanded into a smooth shiny rectangle

Drinks

Namgoong Min-brew – beer that’s brewed hot, then rested for years; when woken, it explodes in your mouth
Snow Gin Fizz – a frozen drink for the ladies
Snow-beer-cer – flash frozen in a technique patented by the mysterious Swillford Corporation
Alison Pilsner – a beer that can teach you a creepy thing or two

The Drinking Game

Drink once anytime any of the following things happens:

  • Someone is methodically mutilated (drink twice if they are mutilated using cold or snow)
  • Tilda Swinton shows a little more teeth than makes you comfortable
  • Anyone puts on night vision goggles
  • Any of the following words or phrases are spoken:
    • Kronole
    • CW-7
    • The Great Curtis Revolution
    • Yekaterina Bridge
    • Protein block
    • 74 percent
    • The Seven
  • A group of creepy children sings a creepy song
  • There is a snow explosion and / or avalanche

SOCIAL: Everyone drink for a full 10 seconds upon the shouting of “Happy New Year!”

 

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Back in January of last year, a Twitter follower of mine, the infamous LonelyTailgater , devised a hypothetical Cooperstown for above-average players. Known simply as the Hall of Above Average, we don’t give a fuck if you gambled, did steroids, or was a jerk to the media. All we care about is your baseball merits.

To be given this prestigious honor, the inductee must have one of the following:

Pitcher requirements:

*150 wins
*2000 strikeouts
*150 saves
*ERA under 3.75

Batter requirements

*1500 RBIs
*300 HRs
*150 stolen bases
*1500 hits
*.260 batting average

Allow us now to introduce you to the members of the HoAA.

Batters

gonzalez

Dale Murphy (Braves, Phillies, Rockies 1976-93)

I had no clue how great a baseball player Murphy was growing up until I got him on a Topps 1992 card. Murphy. He played 15 seasons for the Braves, helping them to the 1982 NL West championship. Along with that, Murphy earned MVP honors in 1982 and 1983. Although he never brought the Braves a pennant to Georgia’s capital city, he remains one of the most popular players in Braves history.

Juan Gonzalez (Rangers, Tigers, Royals, Indians 1989-2005)

One of the most underrated sluggers of the 1990s, Gonzalez averaged 37 HRs in a seven-year period between 1991 and 1999, winning the American League MVP in 1996 and 1998. Along with that, Gonzalez helped the Rangers evolve into contenders as they won the AL West in 1996 and 1998.

Fred McGriff (Blue Jays, Padres, Braves, Cubs, Rays Dodgers 1986-2005)

Had McGriff hit 500 HRs, there’s no question he would have been in the Hall of Fame. Part of one of the best trades in Braves history, McGriff helped the team win NL pennants in 1995 and 1996 as well as the World Series in 1995. Along with that, McGriff hit 30 homers for five different teams.

Mark McGwire (Athletics, Cardinals 1987-2001)

While McGwire may never hear his name called in Cooperstown, he has a place here in the Hall of Above Average. One of the most feared sluggers in baseball history, McGwire hit 50 or more HRs four straight seasons from 1996 to 1999 and is the only player to ever hit his 500th HR in a Cardinal uniform.

Tony Oliva (Twins 1962-76)

For as long as I could remember, I always thought that Oliva, like Rod Carew, was in Cooperstown. Oliva, who played his entire career in the Twin Cities, was an eight time All Star that won batting titles in 1964, 65, and 1971.

Larry Walker (Expos, Rockies, Cardinals 1989-2005)

One of my favorite players as a kid, Walker was probably best known as a member of that 1994 Expos squad that could have won the World Series except for the lack of a postseason due to the players’ strike, as well as the part of the Blake Street Bombers in Denver. In 17 seasons, Walker won three batting crowns, an MVP, and a home run crown. He also played a role in the Cardinals’ 2004 and 2005 postseasons.

Pitchers

morris

Bob Welch (Dodgers, Athletics 1978-94)

For 17 years, Welch excelled on the mound for a pair of California teams, helping the Dodgers to the 1981 World Series title and Oakland to the 1989 World Series title. Along with that Welch became the last pitcher to win 25 games, accomplishing that feat in 1990.

Jack Morris (Tigers, Blue Jays, Twins, Indians 1977-94)

One of the best pitchers of the 1980s, Morris won 254 games in his career. In 1991 during the World Series, Morris had one of the most dominant performances in postseason history, pitching 10 shutout innings, en route to the 1991 World Series MVP.

Mark Langston (Expos, Angels, Mariners, Indians, Padres 1984-99)

Highly underrated among the great arms in baseball during the 1980s and early ’90s, Langston is best known as the guy who was traded for Randy Johnson. In 15 seasons, Langston won seven Gold Gloves as well as appear in four All-Star games.

John Franco (Reds, Mets, Astros 1984-2005)

One of the best relievers of the 1990s, Franco amassed 424 saves in his career, most notably for the Mets, where he starred until 2004. While its obvious he won’t get to Cooperstown, he has a spot here in the Hall of Above Average.

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On May 14, Bro Jackson began, in the same mold as our previous pop culture fantasy drafts (Best Song Ever, Bro Knows Film, Bro Knows TV), a fantasy draft of historical figures. It didn’t finish for a month. A MONTH. Two things dragged us down.

1. Someone broke the draft–fourth-round-kicker-style–by choosing Johnny Manziel in the third round and the commissioner let it stand, at which point, we all stopped caring.

2. There was a requirement that we choose four women, which was met by much derision, many misogynist one-liners and some really heroic stoicism from the two ladies drafting.

Considering the draft was broken and that we ran out of women, our Post-Manziel picks were still (almost) all on point. When the final pick was revealed (Kanye West), we were all relieved to have it over with. And now, a month later, it’s time to share the results, listed here in draft order, along with the drafters’ comments.

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ALL LADIES LOVE A MYSTERY. Regardless of our age or inclination, we all have the capacity to turn into elderly women who are transfixed by their USA network stories. 1 Even more, we love a good lady crime-solver. Not that we don’t like it when a gentleman solves a crime . . . we just know that there was probably a woman on the case who solved it first and let him have his moment. In any case, if you have a working knowledge of the universe of famous lady detectives, you’re likely to impress that lady at the end of the bar who can’t find her purse, even if you don’t find her purse.

While we’re waiting for confirmation that “True Detective” Season 2 will in fact have a female lead, 2 why not settle in and celebrate some of the finest female detectives ever to grace a lady’s eyes? I’ve got some ideas of where you can start.

Notes:

  1. Except “Royal Pains.” That one Pain always looks too smutty!
  2. Colin Farrell and Taylor Kitsch? Mmmpft. Not the female leads we were promised.

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Authors note: This is the first in a series of articles reflecting on the “Crap 10,” a list of the 10 worst college football coaches for each of the power five conferences, during the last 20 years. The first installment will look at the ACC.

In the last two decades, the Atlantic Coast Conference has been home to some of the best CFB coaches in the country, ranging from Bobby Bowden and Jimbo Fisher to Bobby Petrino at Louisville. However, for every successful coach there’s always an equally bad one, hence the reason for the Crap 10–where being terrible at coaching gets you recognition! And for the poor fans and alums of these schools, conjure bad memories.

1. Carl Franks, Duke 1999-03

A former player at Duke in the 1980′s, Franks became head coach of his alma mater in 1999, replacing Fred Goldsmith, the last coach to take Duke to a bowl until David Cutcliffe in 2012. While Franks was lauded for his run of academic success with Duke football, his teams on the field left much to be desired, winning only three ACC games in five years. In 2000 and 2001 Duke would post back-to-back winless seasons.

2. Ted Roof, Duke 2003-07

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse in Durham, Duke decided that Roof was an upgrade over Franks. Despite having one of the best defenses in the country, Duke managed to win only six games in five years under Roof, which included a winless 2006 season as well as three straight years without an ACC victory.

3. Greg Robinson, Syracuse 2005-08

Once upon a time Syracuse was regarded as one of the best teams in the country.

In a period between 1991 and 2005, Syracuse won four Big East championships, played in a Sugar Bowl, and was an NFL factory.

After a mediocre 2004 season by Syracuse standards, the school decided to replace Paul Pasqaloni with Robinson, a guy that had enjoyed success as a defensive coordinator at the University of Texas under Mack Brown. And while he was lauded for his ability to speak, the fact of the matter is that on the field, his teams were atrocious.

Aside from the Orange’s upset of Louisville in 2007, Robinson posted the only double-digit loss seasons in school history, losing 10 games in 2005 and 2007. After a 3-9 season in 2008, Robinson would be fired.

4. Ron Cooper, Louisville 1995-97

Hard to imagine this, but almost twenty years ago, Louisville made one of the most mind boggling hires in college football history. Cooper replaced Howard Schnellenberger in 1995 after spending two seasons at Eastern Michigan as head coach. Anytime you hire a football coach from the worst college football program in the country, you’re set up for failure.

Louisville didn’t get the memo.

5. John Bunting, North Carolina 2001-06

Hired to replace Carl Torbush in 2001, Bunting, who played on UNC’s last ACC championship team, went 27-45 as head coach in Chapel Hill. While he managed to lead the Tar Heels to a Peach Bowl in 2001 (what is today considered today as the Belk Bowl), in 2004, Bunting’s tenure was for the most part an unmitigated disaster due to facilities, poor recruiting, etc.

6. Steve Kragthorpe, Louisville 2007-09

After a successful run at Tulsa, Kragthorpe was put in the unfortunate task of replacing Bobby Petrino as the head man in Louisville. Despite having a team read to win 10 or so games in 2007, Kragthorpe only could eke out six wins in 2007. Along with that, Krag’s team lost to Syracuse in back-to-back seasons, giving Greg Robinson (#3 on the list) two of his three Big East wins in his time in western New York.

After a 4-8 season in 2009, Kragthorpe would be canned as Louisville coach, becoming the first Cardinal coach to post a losing record since Ron Cooper (#4 on this list).

7. Jim Caldwell, Wake Forest 1993-2000

The first African American coach in the history of ACC football, Caldwell managed to have one winning season in eight seasons as coach at Wake Forest. While his offenses were prolific through the air, his rushing offenses were pretty much a steaming pile of shit. More importantly, in eight years at Wake Forest Caldwell won 12 ACC games.

Ouch.

8. Randy Edsall, Maryland 2011-Present

In 2011, James Franklin, a former Maryland assistant, took Vanderbilt to the 2011 Liberty Bowl becoming the first Vanderbilt coach to make a bowl game in their first season. That same year, Maryland hired Edsall. Despite having most of a team that won the Military Bowl the previous year, the Terps went 2-10.

Franklin then followed that season by taking Vanderbilt to three straight bowl games. Meanwhile, Edsall has one bowl appearance in three seasons at Maryland.

9. Carl Torbush, North Carolina 1997-00

Torbush was thrust into the unfortunate position of replacing Mack Brown in Chapel Hill. After winning the 1998 Gator Bowl, Torbush struggled mightily the next three years, eeking out his only bowl bid in three full years, appearing in the 1998 Las Vegas Bowl.

10. Mike London, Virginia 2010-Present

Once upon a time, London was a cop.

Then he was a football coach.

And then he sucked.

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Here in New York, it is easy for fans to develop skewed expectations for their favorite teams. What separates us from the rest of the world is the never-ending, seesaw ride our teams seem to take us on. The glass-half-full mantra too often transforms into a glass-half-empty reality. Our attitudes are fueled repeatedly by writers and radio hosts who enable our perpetually unfair expectations.

Don’t get me wrong. This applies to all fan bases, but New York is a different animal, especially when it comes to baseball. With an unprecedented amount of games to be played and both leagues trending toward more parity each season, the door is constantly left open for the pendulum of momentum to swing a team’s way. Nowhere is this truer than in the Big Apple, where a three-game losing streak generates more discussion than a winning streak of the same length.

The 2014 Mets exemplify this madness perfectly. After finishing the first half of the season winning eight of ten games including a sweep of the Marlins, the Mets headed into the All-Star break five games below .500. This run seemed to rejuvenate the team, leading many otherwise AWOL fans to abandon the designation temporarily.

Just a few games after the All-Star break and the Mets’ performances have their fans crashing back down to reason. They’ve now suffered through nine walk-off losses this season and are a miserable 14-21 in one-run games, clear signs of bullpen woes that have not been addressed. They’ve been shutout by their opponent eight times, a statistic that demonstrates their offensive deficiencies. In addition, they’re well below the major league average in all major offensive categories.

With one wild card team likely to come from within their division and plenty more proven and capable teams chasing the second berth, the Mets’ 2014 outlook is looking bleaker by the day. From here on out, fans can look forward to seeing the continued nurturing of their young players like Travis d’Arnaud, Zack Wheeler, Jacob deGrom, Jenrry Mejia and Juan Lagares all of whom have shown some promise recently. These players will have access to a consistent amount of playing time as the team gathers its bearings for next season.

Over the next several days, the chance remains that the Mets will deal some of their veteran players. Bartolo Colon is the most prominent name on the trading block. Colon has established himself as a durable starting pitcher despite his age (41) and could make for a solid starting pitching upgrade to any contending team. Recent reports suggest that the Mets would be unwilling to take on any of his salary ($9 million in 2014, $11 million in 2015) something I believe they should consider strongly if it will improve their haul in a trade. Their most prominent need is offense, as evidenced by their lineup’s lackluster performance at the major league level and lack of promising prospects in their minor League system.

The biggest question about a possible deal for Colon is what the Mets will request in return. Receiving one or more prospects would be ideal, but after years of floundering in the National League East division, the Mets need a big league hitter to add to their lineup. The Giants are the most recent team to have reportedly checked in on Colon, though I’m not convinced the Mets would get their preferred return from them.

A more reasonable fit would be the Baltimore Orioles, who expressed interest in Colon as a free agent this offseason and could use him as a reinforcement in their thin starting rotation. Baltimore has a collection of intriguing position players that the Mets may be able to reel in, though most are still playing on their rookie contracts which would force New York to pay some of Colon’s salary. It should also be noted that with Nelson Cruz set for free agency at the end of this season, making the O’s reluctant to deal any potential replacements for him in 2015.

The outcome of the trade deadline will likely end with the Mets as sellers, and any deal that positions them nicely for next season should be considered a success. The Mets will continue to be vulnerable for as long as the New York press finds them interesting, and only time will tell if trading a player like Colon is worth it. That intrigue could decrease once the deadline passes as it has over the last several seasons. For now, Mets fans must get through these times by embracing the promise of the future, though no one should blame us for crossing our fingers and hoping the future comes sooner rather than later.