Check out the earlier rounds of the Bro Jackson Best Song Ever Draft: Round 1 / Round 2 / Round 3 / Round 4  / Round 5 / Round 6 / Round 7 / Round 8 / Round 9 / Round 10 / Round 11  / Round 12

You’ve likely noticed that, except for the first two songs, my picks have been quite awful. It’s my fault, but it’s also not my fault.

When the draft was going down, I was busy covering Maryland Deathfest in Baltimore, which meant that I drank a lot, laughed at the lines for bootleg shirts, ate the best crabcakes on Earth, gave a dude a piggy back ride in the pit, listened to drunk girls talk about their vests in their hotel room, clowned on bros wearing basketball shorts, got pummeled by a group of Canadian maniacs called Revenge, and quickly assembled some words for Invisible Oranges the following Monday. (I also recently did a similar report on Chaos in Tejas.) I couldn’t pick any songs–after the first two–so the Bro Jackson editors selected some real prizehogs for me to snark on. Their critera, I have no idea. Sometimes, it’s best not to know how the sausage is made. Ignorance is bliss, and that’s why the Virgin Mary squeezed out Robert Rich. Praise Rob.

Maybe I’ll make my own list of songs after this massacre is over. But no, I have no real attachment to “Informer” or the theme to “Golden Girls.”

So, Round 13. We’ve hit this floor. Where the fuck is Roky? There are not one but two Arcade Fire songs, and while I’d prefer to keep the college days alive by drinking at 2 PM, I guess that’ll do. Rock radio is well-represented in this round, with selections from REO Speedwagon, Foo Fighters, Disturbed, Third Eye Blind, and Wolfmother present. Surprisingly, only one of those was picked by Rob. The rest? Read on, grrrl.

Your general managers

Fantastico, Fantasy Douche, Eddie Strait, Blake Hurtik, Deion Moskal, Kat Gotsick, Rumford Johnny, Ramon Ramirez, Robert Rich, Andy O’Connor, Chris Marler, David Kallison, Ken Griggs, Josh Klein


# 169 : Fantastico – “Love Song” – Tesla

So you think that it’s over?  Hair metal ballads suck nads, but as judge over my own dominion, I’ll allow it.  It’s impossible not to sing along with this song.

# 170: F. Douche – “Neighborhood #1” – Arcade Fire

An interesting thing to think about related to “Neighborhood #1” is that Win Butler was 24 when the song was released. It seems problematic to create something as perfect as “Neighborhood #1” at that age if for no other reason than an entire life lays ahead and you might not ever top it. What would it be like to go through life believing that you’re actually getting worse at what you do? That’s obviously an issue that a lot of artists struggle with. But in this case I think it’s interesting because for as good as Arcade Fire’s debut album Funeral was, the band’s follow-up albums have been as good or better. So what special quality do some groups like Arcade Fire have that have kept them from being the musical equivalent of Dwight Gooden?

# 171: E. Strait – “How High” – Method Man & Redman

I owed this pick to myself. It’s my favorite song from my favorite genre. Red and Meth are perpetually underrated, but they put out a lot of greatness when they work together. I’ve seen them live enough times to know the rhythms of their sets. I just wish they would make more room for this song and spend less time teasing crowds with talk of sequel to “How High” (the movie).

# 172: B. Hurtik – “P. Funk (Wants to Get Funked Up)” – Parliament

People have picked plenty of party starters so far, but this one takes the cake. Just try to keep from strutting as soon as the track gets rolling. This draft had a shameful lack of George Clinton. I’m happy to correct that.

# 173: D. Moskal – “Everlong” – Foo Fighters

Of all the song selections, this is the only one that I’ve seen performed live. I’ve seen the Foo Fighters twice, the only real band I have seen more is Hoobastank who practically took up residence in Atlanta during the early 2000s. I would compare Foo Fighters to Outback Steakhouse. It’s not the premier steakhouse, but its menu is outstanding, the price is reasonable, they’re easy to find, and you always know it will be good. “Everlong” is their Bloomin’ Onion.

# 174: K. Gotsick – “Time for Me to Fly” – REO Speedwagon

Damn, Gotsick. Another song with a yell-it-at-the-top of your-lungs chorus? If there was a Kat Gotsick Dream Song Cover Band that only played my draft in their set list, then I would obviously love that show but I would be screwed by the time this song (which would be the first encore) reached its non-threatening climax. At that show, I would start to lose my voice round about “Turn the Page,” lose it completely by “All I Do is Win,” and sound like shit croaking out “No One is to Blame,” but I would suck on plenty of lemons to bring my voice back (that’s what people do, right?) while waiting for KGDSCB to come out and do a couple more so that I could participate in this especially awesome yell-it-at-the-top of your-lungs chorus. It does hurt to say goodbye.

# 175: R. Johnny –  “Dimension” – Wolfmother

The first time I heard this band was a “WTF” moment. An homage to Zeppelin, The Doors, and The Ramones, Wolfmother brought cock rock back to the forefront with powerful chords, speed, bravado. It didn’t pretend to be unique with this ditty, but it knew it rocked and it had your attention . . . and sometimes that’s all you can ask for, kids.

# 176: R. Ramirez – “Dreaming of You” – Selena

I’m not sure I subscribe to the notion that this is a better cut than “I Could Fall in Love.” But of icons gone too soon–from Buddy Holly to Amy Winehouse–this one bums me out the most because Selena struck me as such a nice person. She was a budding crossover Spanish language star with crazy upside. Had Selena avoided tragedy, the Ricky Martin boom of ’99 makes her global. As such she’s this snapshot of American grace. All hail the South Texas princess.

# 177: R. Rich –  “Down with the Sickness” – Disturbed

That’s right, I went here. What’s a best song ever draft without a classic pick from The Apologist? Before they became a legion of mainstream army rockers, Disturbed actually released a pretty heavy, disturbing (obvious pun not intended) debut album, full of drop D tuning, liberal use of electronics, and David Draiman’s distinctive growling. Say what you will about their later output, “Down With The Sickness,” and the entirety of the album it appears on, is great.

# 178: A. O’Connor – “I Disappear” – Metallica (auto-draft)

Metallica are probably my favorite band ever and the sole reason I got into music . . . well, the first four albums, anyway. The eds specifically requested a song from “after they cut their hair,” and boy, were those boys Samsons. “I Disappear” was the first Metallica song I ever heard, because they were in the news because of a dispute with some guy that Justin Timberlake would later play in that Facebook movie. It has turntable scratches, or guitar noises that sounded like turntable scratches, which foreshadowed “We Did it Again,” their collaboration with Ja Rule and Swizz Beatz. If it wasn’t for that song, though, I’d be stuck in nu-metal purgatory. So, shouts out to the “Mission: Impossible 2” soundtrack.

# 179: C. Marler – “September” – Earth Wind & Fire

Staying consistent with songs that always put me in a good mood, I had to throw in this classic from the ’70s. I was brought up to abhor disco and anything remotely similar to it, and this song straddles the fence. But, it’s just so goddamn catchy, and I’m a sucker for some funk, some horns, and a high pitch chorus that sounds like it’s being sung by a damn angel. All of that makes up for the fact that “September” is literally the only word I can understand in this song.

# 180: D. Kallison – “Rebel Girl” – Bikini Kill

“Girls to the front!” Kathleen Hanna used to yell at shows. Bikini Kill was an overtly feminist band, trying to be for feminism what Fugazi or Propagandhi was to anti-racism. Largely, she succeeded, creating not only a kick-ass band, but also a fanzine (back when fanzines fucking meant something, man), and, really, a movement. Girls in rock are few and far between and girls in punk rock are almost nonexistent. This is a rad song, no doubt, but I picked it up even more for what it meant to all those girls who finally got their deserved place in the scene. Girls to the front. Fun fact: Kathleen Hanna was hanging out with her friend and thought he smelled like the girl deodorant, Teen Spirit. So she spray painted “Kurt smells like teen spirit” on the wall. Her friend ended up using the phrase for a song he was writing.

# 181: K. Griggs – “Sprawl II” – Arcade Fire

In 2010 Arcade Fire played Lollapalooza. I had just recently relocated to Chicago after having been on some rough times. I don’t want to lay on the couch and get into it right now, but that concert was sort of a renaissance for me. The whole set was high energy and there was something—bear with me here—magical about this particular song. Keep in mind that the album was barely a week old at the time. But this song brought the house down. “Wake Up” and “Haiti” are fantastic in my mind, but this song has too much sentimental value. “There’s no end in sight. I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights.” Looking up I see that Fantasy Douche took an Arcade Fire song in this round, but when you want something, you have to go get it. That’s a Dexter’s Library Axiom.

# 182: J. Klein – “Semi-Charmed Life” – Third Eye Blind

Perhaps the greatest song about doing crystal meth of all time. I have to admit, I was at a bar when my picks came up and I wanted an awesome ’90s song on my squad, and I totally overlooked Weezer’s “El Scorcho” for this gem. Plus, next I was going to pick “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers to round out my team, so it was going to work out perfectly![ref]Ed. Note: “Use Me Up” is already off the board. And now you know what it was like to do this draft with Josh Klein.[/ref]

The Teams Through 13 of 14 Rounds


“Paradise City,” Guns N’ Roses
“Microphone Fiend,” Eric B. and Rakim
“Try a Little Tenderness,” Otis Redding
“Spacy Oddity,” David Bowie
“Let’s Get It On,” Marvin Gaye
“Welcome Home (Sanitarium),” Metallica
“Do You Realize,” Flaming Lips
“One More Time,” Daft Punk
“God Only Knows,” Beach Boys
“Beat It,” Michael Jackson
“Kashmir,” Led Zeppelin
“We Used to Vacation,” Cold War Kids
“Love Song,” Tesla

Fantasy Douche

“Suspicious Minds,” Elvis Presley
“Layla,” Derek and the Dominos
“When Doves Cry,” Prince
“To Live and Die in LA,” Tupac Shakur
“Real Love,” Mary J. Blige
“Amarillo by Morning,” George Strait
“Chicago,” Sufjan Stevens
“Since U Been Gone,” Kelly Clarkson
“Alison,” Elvis Costello
“Midnight Train to Georgia,” Gladys Knight & the Pips
“November Rain,” Guns N Roses
“Walls,” Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
“Neighborhood #2,” Arcade Fire

Eddie Strait

“Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson
“Public Service Announcement,” Jay-Z
“Gimme Shelter,” Rolling Stones
“You Oughta Know,” Alanis Morissette
“Can’t Tell Me Nuthin’,” Kanye West
“Victory,” Puffy, Biggie, Busta
“New Noise,” Refused
“You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” Randy Newman
“Come On, Ride the Train,” Quad City DJs
“Poison,” Bell Biv Devoe
“How I Could Just Kill a Man,” Rage Against the Machine
“Tribute,” Tenacious D
“How High,” Method Man and Redman

Blake Hurtik

“Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan
“Dazed and Confused,” Led Zeppelin
“The Weight,” The Band
“Life During Wartime,” Talking Heads
“Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag,” James Brown
“Jesus Etc,” Wilco
“Maggie May,” Rod Stewart
“Down by the River,” Neil Young
“Say it Ain’t So,” Weezer
“Marquee Moon,” Television
“All Along the Watchtower,” Jimi Hendrix Experience
“Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground,” The White Stripes
“P. Funk (Wants to Get Funked Up),” Parliament

Deion Moskal

“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns N’ Roses
“In the Air Tonight,” Phil Collins
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen
“B.O.B.,” OutKast
“Only The Good Die Young,” Billy Joel
“Closer,” Nine Inch Nails
“Beautiful People,” Marilyn Manson
“1979,” Smashing Pumpkins
“Dirt Off Your Shoulders / Bittersweet Symphony,” Jay-Z / The Verve
“Lake of Fire,” Nirvana
“I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston
“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles),” The Proclaimers
“Everlong,” Foo Fighters

Kat Gotsick

“It’s Tricky,” Run DMC
“Hotel California,” Eagles
“Comfortably Numb,” Pink Floyd
“Total Eclipse of the Heart,” Bonnie Taylor
“Have a Little Faith in Me,” John Hiatt
“Turn the Page,” Bob Seger
“Free Your Mind,” En Vogue
“Let it Be,” The Beatles
“All I Do is Win,” DJ Khaled
“Jungle Boogie,” Kool & the Gang
“Blind Faith,” Chase & Status
“No One is to Blame,” Howard Jones
“Time for Me to Fly,” REO Speedwagon

Rumford Johnny

“Jumpin’ Jack Flash,” Rolling Stones
“Rhiannon,” Fleetwood Mac
“Scenario,” A Tribe Called Quest
“The Waiting,” Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
“Paul Revere,” Beastie Boys
“Blue Eyes Cryin’ in the Rain,” Willie Nelson
“Where Did you Sleep Last Night,” Leadbelly
“Up Around the Bend,” CCR
“Straight Outta Compton,” NWA
“Rehab,” Amy Winehouse
“Maps,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs
“Criminal,” Fiona Apple
“Dimension,” Wolfmother

Ramon Ramirez

“Happiness is a Warm Gun,” The Beatles
“Worms of the Senses / Faculties of the Skull,” Refused
“Cowboy Song,” Thin Lizzy
“Ms. Jackson,” OutKast
“I Was Made to Love Her,” Stevie Wonder
“Maybelline,” Chuck Berry
“Tender Years,” George Jones
“My Boo,” Ghost Town DJs
“Respect,” Aretha Franklin
“In My Life,” The Beatles
“Dance Yrself Clean,” LCD Soundsystem
“Pyramids,” Frank Ocean
“Dreaming of You,” Selena

Robert Rich

“Shine On You Crazy Diamond,” Pink Floyd
“Helter Skelter,” The Beatles
“99 Problems/Points of Authority/One Step Closer,” Jay-Z/Linkin Park
“Stan,” Eminem
“Paranoid Android,” Radiohead
“Pull Me Under,” Dream Theater
“Eulogy,” Tool
“The Thunder Rolls,” Garth Brooks
“Mirrors,” Justin Timberlake
“Rocket Man,” Elton John
“Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd
“I Walk the Line,” Johnny Cash
“Down with the Sickness,” Disturbed

Andy O’Connor

“Overkill,” Motörhead
“Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell,” The Stooges
“Desperado,” The Eagles (auto-draft)
“Love Shack,” The B-52s (auto-draft)
“Thong Song,” Sisqo (auto-draft)
“Informer,” Snow (auto-draft)
“Thank You for Being a Friend,” Theme from Golden Girls (auto-draft)
“Rack City,” Tyga (auto-draft)
“American Pie,” Don McLean (auto-draft)
“All my Life,” KC and JoJo (auto-draft)
“Graduation,” Vitamin C (auto-draft)
“Forever,” Chris Brown (auto-draft)
“I Disappear,” Metallica (auto-draft)

Chris Marler

“Baba O’Riley,” The Who
“Sympathy for the Devil,” Rolling Stones
“Man in the Mirror,” Michael Jackson
“God Bless the USA,” Lee Greenwood
“Circle of Life,” The non-Elton John version for some reason
“No Diggity,” Blackstreet
“Will You Be There,” Michael Jackson
“Juicy,” The Notorious B.I.G.
“N****z in Paris,” Watch the Throne
“Use Me,” Bill Withers
“Friends Forever,” Zack Attack
“Move on Up,” Curtis Mayfield
“September,” Earth Wind & Fire

David Kallison

“Just Like Heaven,” The Cure
“Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Nirvana
“Fast Car,” Tracy Chapman
“Tiny Dancer,” Elton John
“All of the Lights,” Kanye West
“Sounds of Silence,” Simon & Garfunkel
“This Year,” Mountain Goats
“Holland, 1945,” Neutral Milk Hotel
“Blister in the Sun,” Violent Femmes
“The Biggest Lie,” Elliott Smith
“There is a Light That Never Goes Out,” The Smiths
“Killer Parties,” The Hold Steady
“Rebel Girl,” Bikini Kill

Ken Griggs

“Hoochie Coochie Man,” Muddy Waters
“Heart of Gold,” Neil Young
“Dead Flowers,” Townes Van Zandt
“Exhibit C,” Jay Electronica
“Lawyers, Guns, and Money,” Warren Zevon
“Free Bird,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“I’ve Always Been Crazy,” Waylon Jennings
“I’m Not Like Everybody Else,” The Kinks
“Jockey Full of Bourbon,” Tom Waits
“How Do You Want It?,” Tupac Shakur
“Watching the Wheels,” John Lennon
“Chelsea Hotel #2,” Leonard Cohen
“Sprawl II,” Arcade Fire

Josh Klein

“I Want You Back,” Jackson Five
“Cry Me A River,” Justin Timberlake
“Humpty Dance,” Digital Underground
“Hallelujah,” Jeff Buckley
“Atlantic City,” Bruce Springsteen
“Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” Will Smith
“Kiss,” Prince
“You Can Call Me Al,” Paul Simon
“With or Without You,” U2
“Let Me Clear My Throat,” DJ Kool
“Two Step,” Dave Matthews Band
“Semi Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind