Two dope dudes tell you what’s what.
Ahhh . . . You smell that? Spring is in the air. Flowers are in bloom, mail carriers have switched to shorts and knee-highs, and television networks are unveiling next fall’s new shows with extremely bland, cliché-ridden trailers. But who has time to wade through all the corny voiceovers and punny taglines? Leave it to your boys Zach Nice and Dan Fresh,[ref]Zachary Posner, Daniel Furlong in real life, respectively.[/ref] Hollywood’s two biggest dopes, to tell you what’s what.
“The Crazy Ones” – CBS
What’s better than Robin Williams doing live Genie voices? Williams doing them every week, over and over while navigating the crazy world of advertising. You know, commercials? Those things you fast forward through when you’re trying to watch your shows. And who better for Williams to scream at than Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who plays his daughter trying to rein in her crrrraazzy papa?
“We Are Men” – CBS
MEN! Am I right? Seriously, what won’t they do to score chicks? These guys are totally wild and we’re in. Although we’re not sure why someone would order a show where Tony Shalhoub spends the majority of his time with his shirt off. Is this a low-stakes version of “Entourage” where Hollywood has been replaced with an apartment complex in Tarzana? And speaking of “Entourage,” did Turtle’s East Coast investors ever fully commit to his baked clams restaurant? Find out the answers to these burning questions AND MORE this fall on CBS.
“Mom” – CBS
Chuck Lorre has retooled “Two and Half Men” yet again. Only this time he got rid of the ungrateful and insufferable Angus T. Jones and replaced Charlie Sheen with Anna Farris. That’s a big upgrade in our book, even though our book is mostly comprised of elaborate arson schemes. With that said, we give this trailer three out of five Molotov cocktails.
“Enlisted” – Fox
This show is basically a TV version of “Major Payne,” except Major Payne has been replaced by a lame white guy and that cute troop of loveable misfits has been replaced by a group of slack-jawed morons. So they basically gutted all the good parts of “Major Payne” and replaced it with a bunch of PTSD-related jokes.
“Almost Human” – Fox
“Almost Human?” More like Almost SHOE-IN. Nah, just playing, out here in Hollyweird ain’t nuffin for certain. But this show, much like “Intelligence” on CBS (another pseudo-robo crime fighting show), looks pretty. It’s got all you could ask for in a futuristic crime procedural: A quirky scientist in a basement, little red pills, flying saucers, and bad guys in cool masks.
“Brooklyn Nine-Nine” – Fox
If we know show creators Michael Schur and Dan Goor (we don’t), then this show is sure to be a sure-fire hit (watchable maybe). This show is looking to combine “The Office” with “NYPD Blue,” but unfortunately we won’t get to see Sipowicz’s saggy ass. Guess we will have to settle (pray to the heavens) for Andre Braugher’s.
“Dads” – Fox
One guy’s got a tie. The other has a sweatshirt. They both have dads.
“Sleepy Hollow” – Fox
“FREEZE! Step out of the vehicle and put your hands on your—WHA?!?!”
Ruh Roh, the Headless Horsemen is back. But fear not, modern day town of Sleepy Hollow, 18th Century Ichabod Crane is here to save you. And guess what? He’s super hot. But first, he just has one question: “What is Starbucks?” Oh man, this guy really is from 250 years ago.
“The Goldbergs” – ABC
Sadly, this show is not about the flatulent fat-ass from the “Mighty Ducks” films. And that is probably all you need to know. This homeless man’s “Wonder Years” looks absolutely horrible, so it will probably be on the air for the next decade, paired with ABC’s equally horrid “The Neighbors.” But at least that show has this kid.
“The Michael J. Fox Show” – NBC
Fox is back on television and he is looking to shake things up.
Hey, don’t look at us like that. That’s what this show is about. A bunch of Parkinson’s jokes. Don’t get us wrong, M.J.F. is great, but how many times can they make these jokes? The man was in “Back To The Future II” for Christsakes–give him something to work with.
“Ironside” – NBC
Bruce Ironside is a no nonsense New York cop looking to kick ass and take names—
Nah, we’re just playing again. We were getting a bit tired and didn’t feel like watching the trailer. Okay, fine. We’ll pull it up…
HOLY SHIT IT’S A COP IN A WHEELCHAIR.
Ok, ok—we can dig that. Actually pretty cool and original. He probably uses superior intellect to solve crimes or something, right? No, he is able to spot clues on the floor because his head is at crotch level. Jesus NBC, are you trying to make us look like jerks?