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Broject Runway: A weekly recap/love letter from Project Runway’s biggest Bro fan

Feb 22, 2013
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Editor’s Note: My friend Pete Fitzsimmons is a hulking, red-faced, South Side Irishman who loves him some Project Runway.  This is what he had to say about PR this week.  Starting next week, he’ll recap uncensored. God help us all.

I’ll get right to it. I watch this show for the train wrecks. Awful ensembles that stomp down the runway only to be torn apart by the four fashion hyenas sitting across the room. This particular episode didn’t have any fashion travesties, other than Miranda Lambert’s lip gloss. Before we begin though, one final plea. Bring back Michael Flipping Kors. I love that orange, smug, indoors sunglasses-wearin’ bitch.

A little prologue: At the end of last week, after they sent Weird Cargo Net Joe home, there was a cliffhanger ending, with Tim asking the remaining designers back to the runway for some “unfinished business”. Fade to black, fade up: “To Be Continued …”

Turns out the TBC was a Team Re-Pick that essentially undoes the entire team dynamic to date. [ED. NOTE: This season of PR is called “Teams Edition”. All our favorite bitchy, egocentric designers are forced to work together on two teams that are each judged as a single entity. If the best design ends up on the losing team, that designer can’t win and vice versa. Also, they also all critique each other, not just Tim Gunn, and they can actually physically work on other designers’ dresses if that designer needs help. It’s … interesting.] Having seen four challenges go past, the teams know now who is good and who’s a liability. Repicking the teams anew means there will be a whole new dodgeball-y feel to things.

Everyone got to pick their new teammate (or be picked) amidst a swaggle 1 of high fiving, giggling, whispering, high fiving and giggling. Then they all went to a bar called Johnny Utah’s. JOHNNY UTAH’S! Now this bar is probably the single lamest bar in NYC, but to name a bar after Keanu Reeves character in Point Break? Magnifique! Pour a little out for the Swayz.

THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE:

Design a Red Carpet and a Performance piece for country music’s Lambert.

Samantha: Designed a motorcycle jacket that neither she nor the judges likes. She shrugged her shoulders for 90 minutes. Sam had immunity and it showed.

Patricia:  Designed a bandolier-inspired dress that sounded awful but actually worked. She let us know that she is Native American for the fifth consecutive show. Her eyes do the listening, people.

Amanda: Designed a fringy piece. Her Nashvillian-ness shineth through. We learned on this episode that her brother is the guitarist for Maroon 5. Even so, she still considers him a rock star.

Benjamin: Designed a seamless blue dress, which could have won for evening wear. He was very proud of himself. His tiny Chiclet teeth were on full display as pride burst from his mouth.

Kate: You can tell from the way she designed this red leather gown that she works mostly on wedding dresses. I thought this was great. I don’t think she is long for this show though, as her age pokes through on occasion. This will bite her later. Ah, to be 23 again.

Layana: Even I knew this dress was boring. I have to give her a shout out from last week though. She was robbed. That birdcage skirt was the best thing I’ve seen on this show in many seasons. I can’t believe she didn’t win last week’s challenge.

Stanley: Designed a plunging neckline black gown and by plunging, I mean like off-a-cliff plunging. The judges kept going on about Miranda’s curviness and the fact that this dress wasn’t conducive to ahem, non-model types. But dude, I would have loved to seen Lambert try to wear that thing.

Tu: Designed a toned down Lady Gaga piece. I love, love, love the Tu. Let me count the ways. No.1: Sometimes he gets subtitles, sometimes not. No. 2: The frozen looks of terror followed by the rapscallion hugging of his dress form. No. 3: His design this week, in his own words: “I go for chort. And I give volume and the hips and she gonna look curvy and country music, yeah.” This guy, THIS IS THE GUY. Shine on you crazy diamond.

On the Bottoms:

Michelle: Designed an ’80s leather get up with a fringe bib. All that said? I liked it. I like her. She’s constantly on the bottom, mainly due thus far to being the best designer on the worst team, but I think she makes a run at the Final Four.

Daniel: Dandy Daniel with the Dick Dastardly Moustache. Designed a dress a 12-year-old would wear on Star Search. He, however, rocked a jackalope antler necklace to the runway. This guy grates on me. How can everything be wonderful all the time? And how can someone cry so much when they think everything is so wonderful? Dan’s a bit older and in my mind, PR is no country for old men. I am, however, stoked for the inevitable “you’re out” meltdown.

The Winna!

Dick 2 Hallmarq: Designed a leather and sequined jumpsuit that should and did win. I’ve made a complete 180 on this guy. In the beginning, he had an earnest, irritating energy you’d love to strangle out of his body, but c’mon. He wears a sleeveless t-shirt EVERY DAY. Dammit, he just seems fun. I’m in. Plus his name is Dick 3 Hallmarq. I know it’s made up and I don’t care.

Pack your Needle Kit and Go

Matt: I’ll give him credit. He was the one interesting aspect of this episode. We’ve all been there. His confidence was totally shot. This poor bastard had to keep explaining to people that he just had nothing left. Dead man walking. Normally I chortle at the crying segments – they’re virtually all the same. Someone just wanting something so bad … or making their family proud. Every time! Not this though. This was like watching “Leaving Las Vegas” without the booze and The Cage. This dude’s tears were from a place where you question your own existence. I feel for you, brother. Now get outta here.

Power Rankings:

The Loretta Lynns

1)      Stanley

2)      Layana

3)      Dick Hallmarq

 

The Kenny Rogers

4)      Samantha

5)      Tu

6)      Daniel

 

The Alan Jacksons

7)      Michelle

8)      Patricia

9)      Amanda

 

The Keith Urban

10)   Benjamin

 

The LeAnn Rimes

11)   Kate

Notes:

  1. [ED. NOTE: I know that’s not a word but damn if it doesn’t exactly describe what it looks like when a bunch of gay guys and ladies are nervous and punchy]
  2. the name is Richard
  3. Richard

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