To steal a line from my new favorite author, “Tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this is going to be a rough fucking ride.”
If you haven’t watched the finale episode yet, do yourself a favor, and fast forward to the runway portion and start watching there. The first half of this episode was a complete waste of time. A four-hour finale? Come on guys. Totally fucking unnecessary. For the first time in a long time, I felt dumb making time to watch this show.
Last week’s episode was quite good, but that left very little meat on the bone beside the actual runway and judging for this week. Very little. For instance, if I hear one more time how far behind Stanley is, or that Patricia makes her own garments, or that fucking story about the fucking wolf, man alive, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll … who am I kidding? I’m not going to do anything. I think the producers know that too. They know I’ll tune in next season no matter what they do, so they do a time-share pitch for their sponsors.
And not only are they gratuitously showing us in-show commercials at length, they’re gratuitously showing us things they’ve gratuitously shown us all season so they can add a gratuitous extra hour of show ripe for ad sales. THEY WENT CLIP SHOW ON US PEOPLE. If they weren’t rehashing the same narrative for the fifth time, they were reminding us of it with montages of yesterweek. Did you know that Dick Hallmarq can’t sew? That Amanda has a way with a pause/burn/eye roll? That Layana thinks somehow she’s still part of the show? YES WE KNOW. WE GOT IT. I’m convinced this show was a Pavlovian experiment. Well, here’s where the dog turns to the guy and says, “Stop ringing the fucking bell, dude.”
THE CHALLENGE – PUT TOGETHER THE BEST TWELVE LOOK COLLECTION AT FASHION WEEK
THE CHALLENGERS PRIOR TO BRYANT PARK:
Michelle – The unfortunate red under eyeliner didn’t slow down the favorite in her quest for the PR11 title. Amanda and Michelle seemed to be besties, which was a distinct advantage over the rest of our competition. Manny Muttonchops made an appearance. Channeling her inner Jack London, Michelle had very little to fix after a surprise trip to Mood. Instead she spent most of her time sizing up the competition and trying to get a black colander to stay attached to her head.[ref]Colanders never want to stay in your hair, am I right guys? Raises hand for high five, sees no one else has, keeps nodding knowingly while slowly lowering the hand.[/ref]
Stanley – It’s amazing how fast technology changes these days. Stanley’s fall from the mountaintop was complete. Once, he was invincible. Last night? Splat. Saddled with the bald anchor Dick Hallmarq, Stanley’s need to re-design and re-sew all of his garments became his mountain to conquer. Dick sat there wearing fabulous pants while every one’s favorite supercomputer tried to back up his files before crashing. Stanley’s mom showed up and was very, very human. Fun, even. This must be one of those D.A.R.Y.L. situations. Only Black Inspector Gadget could possibly get this collection together in time. Unfortunately, Black Inspector Gadget never showed up. Instead, Human Stanley had his dressers hand-sewing while the models were in line to walk out onto the runway.
Patricia – My favorite moment of the episode was Patricia crawling around looking for white chiffon at Tim’s request like a vagrant looking for enough non-wet newspapers to complete a human nest. Patricia was the MVP of this episode. Following up the slowest game of chiffon and go seek ever, Patty convinced her hair consultant that her models should look like horses. I thought a Mane and Tail ad was coming. Then after the dressage, her totally normal kids show up. I thought every kid from New Mexico was on meth.[ref]Thank you Walter White.[/ref] Layana wore a Mexican Gondolier’s hat and there was familial shadowboxing at various points as well.
Did I mention there wasn’t anything of note in the first hour?Yes.Yes I did.
AT BRYANT PARK
Mondo – Looked like Curious George grew up and started reading the Koran.
Various non-celebrities – Filled more vacuous air time with opinions that no one cared about.
Former project Runway contestants – Shown only from a distance, but weren’t given air time.
Michael Kors – You magnificent bastard. Sunglasses indoors of course. Swoon.
Heidi Klum – Looked like a backup dancer for a Bel Biv Devoe video.
Michelle – Seemed very timid introducing herself while a NatGeo movie featuring (what else) wolves played on the wall behind her, underscoring her solid but repetitive line. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it, but for some reason it wasn’t as jump-off-the-screen awesome as I had thought it was going to be. Her standout piece was a sweater that had an anatomically correct heart spurting blood everywhere. Ok. The judges liked it more than I did. I guess you wear it to a clown’s funeral or something. I did love her “Heidi joins the German military” multi-fabric-paneled baby doll dresses though. I’m a fan. If only she could get that hibachi grill to stay on her head though.
Stanley – Said hello to his wonderful mom and hubby (whoops–partner, damn you Prop Eight) then let his shitty tailoring do the talking. Seriously, we will have to check the black box on this crash to determine what happened. His line, Urban Opulence, was boring and safe. His piece de resistance was a Cybil Sheppard gold jumpsuit that the judges liked, somewhat surprisingly. I did not. Then again, I have no eye for Fashion. In the end, Stanley was the only person I can’t remember crying on this show. In that regard, he was the true winner. But on the runway, where it counted, Stanley put forth his worst effort on the season. This didn’t bother his mother. She boogied while her son’s operating system crashed.
Patricia – Spouted off some native tongue mixed in a little English and had me totally confused. I liked her collection ten times more than I thought I would. Not as much as Marilu Henner, but still. The blue ’70s Christmas tree and repellent horse hair cape reared themselves yet again. At the very least Patricia was interesting. Not always my style, but fun. Word to capes, am i right? Her step dad looked very excited to be there.[ref]You’re killing me Frank. Still got it.[/ref] We later learned that Patricia made all of here textiles in Frank’s Blacksmith Shop. OF COURSE SHE DID. I feel like Frank’s Blacksmith Shop is going to be Lifetime’s next hit reality comedy. We’ll call it “Stoicism and Smithing.” I can’t wait for the eight hour finale.
BACK AT PARSONS
The Judges – Within a minute, Kors reminded us how much we have missed him this season. Between appetite suppressant rings and Holly Hobby and various other GIFable faces and noises, Kors steps back in and proves there is really only one King of the Runway.
Hopefully the dynamic Zac Posen/Michael Kors panel vibe is brought back for Season 12. Zac started to find his stride by the end of the season, and Kors is the levity that this show sorely needs. They both seemed to gang up on Nina Garcia, and I love that. I don’t dislike Nina. Rather, I love to watch her batten down the hatches and go into full on “I’m right” mode.
Michelle, and deservedly so. You could argue she should have been booted after the Nina challenge, but even then she designed one of the better looks (she just broke one of Nina’s tenets). Throughout the season I remember more of Michelle’s designs than anyone else’s. This is a good sign that the judges got it right (see the Mondo year for when they got it wrong).
Final Power Rankings
A Lone Wolf
1 – Michelle