Broject Runway: Coney Island babies

Aug 2, 2013
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Guys. No one has ever gotten a letter from a model before.

Except for Giselle’s friends at Christmas. And everyone who’s ever been on “Wheel of Fortune.”

After a feeling out period, I have a firm grasp on everyone’s aesthetic and demeanor through three episodes. There seems to be some real talent on both fronts, with some consistent innovation and creativity coupled with the aberrant behavior of drunk children. So, for the most part, things are looking up. If only Kahindo was here to see it.

We started tonight with a 10-minute journey around Coney Island so packed with goodies, it deserves its own segment of quick hitters

CONEY ISLAND QUICK HITS
  • I believe that Ken was rocking a mask-beneath-a-mask when Heidi Klum woke him up. He went from being surprised to like, being cartoon surprised about being woke up.
  • Even though our contestants were woke up at 5:30 a.m., by the time Tim Gunn welcomed everyone to Coney Island it was like 9:30 a.m. I like to think Heidi just woke them up for the hell of it.
  • Yoplait’s in-show ad was the first time I was like “OK, I need to go try that product.” I just got hungrier and hungrier as the segment wore on. Granted, I still hate the in-show ad with a passion, but this one was well positioned. Damn I wish there was a TCBY around here.
  • “Does everybody know Ken hate unconventional challenges?” – Ken. Of course we do, you magnificent, pint-sized powerhouse.
  • Of all the people on the planet into unicorns, I feel like Timothy is the only one that would be instantly gored to death by one. Even they would know.
THE CHALLENGE
GET THREE WORDS, NEVER USE THEM AGAIN, AND DESIGN ANYTHING FROM THE CONEY ISLAND CARNIVAL GAME PRIZES. O, BY THE WAY, TEAM CHALLENGE.
THE CHALLENGERS

Bradon/Karen – Team Undetectable Ginger Submarine put together a really nice asymmetrical dress that looked like a rolling wave with a bunch of cotton . . . O MY GOD WHY. The dress was perfect without the additional third grade art project at the top and bottom. Why the cotton balls? Besides finally meeting Karen for more than a second or two, there wasn’t much going on for these guys. Lots of reaction shots. Karen is still the only contestant I have to consistently look up. Karen. It’s Karen.

Sandro/Sue – Team Rock Out with Their Cocks Out put together a poorly constructed blue dolphin baby doll dress. The dress was forgettable, but what isn’t is Sandro’s refusal to play nice with any of his fellow designers. When he wasn’t mocking Sue’s work and choices, he was  wearing either a totally acceptable long-sleeved brown tapestry with one-strap overalls, or something resembling a white tiger exploding on to a drunk maitre d’s uniform. By the way, both unbuttoned to the crotch to let his chest breathe.

My take on Sandro: He needs to chill. He who is without sin, cast the first hundred or so stones there, Sandro. He is now in the Daniel zone for me. Sometimes, it’s just too much (see: egging on Miranda’s worst moment imaginable or the silent crying of a cocaine addict who has run out of blow.)

From the teaser to next week, I get the feeling that this Russian Bear is going to eat Goldilocks, 10 bowls of porridge, and all the legs of the wood chairs. He’d probably then wake up with quite the tummy ache necessitating a very, very open shirt.

Ken/Jeremy – Team Sassypants put together a disco-fabulous tan top with dynamite blue vinyl leggings. They were robbed. At the very least this would have made the top three. I have two very strong, very opposite opinions about these two cats. I think both are in for the long haul on this show. For some reason I love Ken. Maybe it’s because of his perpetually grinning reaction shots. Maybe it’s because he’s from Birmingham, and I’ve never met a bad person from Birmingham. And for the different seemingly arbitrary reasons, I’m not a big fan of Jeremy. It seems like he lays down the biggest post production insults, but they are neatly wrapped in his British accent, so they don’t sound nearly as scathing as they actually are. I could be totally wrong about both these guys but for now, one seems humble and fun, and the other seems arrogant and smarmy.

TOPS

Alexandria/Dom – Team Get-Along-Gang made a dress that looked like a perfect little Pokemon. After gushing over their fast friendship on the runway, I couldn’t help but notice that Dom had sort of brought out the non-assassin side of Alexandria. She was quite pleasant. For me this was the winner. I loved this thing. I don’t normally give a shit about hair and makeup, but it was well done too. When this show is whittled down to the top six or seven, there is going to be some serious talent left. In years past, there usually is always two or three people that are above the rest. I feel like this season there are quite a few. Those last few episodes before Fashion Week are going to be fantastic.

BOTTOMS

Alexander/Justin – Team ’80s Synth Band put together something Ariel would wear if she had to give out handjobs to sea-men to make ends meet. Dudes. O, Dudes. You guys are so lucky. This was something you’d get in the back of K-Mart marked “Cheap Sexy Mermaid Halloween Costume.” How one of these guys weren’t kicked off is beyond me. Last week I felt wronged by the judge’s decisions and was pissed. This week I felt wronged by the judge’s decisions, but I’m cool with it. This was like your favorite team winning because of a bad call. But guys, my God, what was that shit? I feel like this is more Alexander and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat background rearing its ugly head here. I may have to re-assess my ranking of Justin as well though. I mean, he’s deaf, not blind.

The Judges – Too many generalities this week. Honestly there wasn’t anything of note said. Kelly Osbourne’s instant excitement over the Sombrero dress was the only interesting moment. Not their finest hour and a half. Come on Zac, take this show and run with it.

ARE UNICORNS MORE LIKE HIPPOS THAN HORSES DUE TO THEIR CLOVEN HOOVES?

Yes.

THE WINNA(S)

Kate/Helen – Team Orange is the New Black put together a “Red Sombrero Saturn” dazzler. Begrudgingly, I will give these ladies their due. BUT NEVER FORGET, they have wronged us in the past. Both are working on borrowed time. Both have been given a second chance. Be on your best behavior ladies. Kate has been in the top almost every week, and I feel like bringing back an old contestant is kind of unfair and dumb. Time management is one of the giant hurdles to get over and she comes in with the previous experience of it. I mean she can’t possibly win, because she finished sixth or whatever last year. It would make last year look like the Harlem Globetrotters, which, people, they were not. So eventually the judges have to turn on her and dump her, otherwise they render previous seasons a joke, no?

PACK YOUR DAMN SEWING KIT

Laverne/Shirley – First, let’s acknowledge. Timothy (America’s least favorite organic toy poodle) and Miranda (America’s tallest split personality military officer) gave us a show we’ll not soon forget. I felt like I was watching “High School: The Musical” minus the music but with more outlandish and yet somehow more grounded performances.

But Team Milwaukee’s Best got a raw deal. I actually didn’t think their vinyl baby doll dress with a mini-vest was that bad, but I guess you are going to err on the side of KICKING TIMOTHY OFF BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. When he wasn’t yelling about imaginary animals, he was sobbing in the foyer of a crack house reading letters of encouragement from a 13-year-old while holding an imaginary animal. What is this? Fucking Degrassi High? And Miranda, my God. You let your confidence be destroyed by a garbage collector? You’re like eight feet taller than him and have been in the military. Sack up. Unfortunately we’ll be subject to Miranda’s open stomached looks for a bit longer.

After Miranda’s cringeworthy, out-of-body tirade on Timothy in the sewing room, she seemed genuinely remorseful the next day. I’ll give her credit for that but in the end, it was a real shame they couldn’t eliminate everyone from Milwaukee. At the very least I think they righted a wrong from a previous week. After winging Timothy twice, they finally made the killshot.

By the way, is Tim Gunn going to say, “I didn’t use my save, because the judges got it right” every week? They need to spice up that blurb a bit. Actually I’m instituting a new segment.

What Tim really wanted to say: 

“I didn’t use my save, because it was Timothy. I mean, seriously dude, what is up with that guy? Have you been watching?”

POWER RANKINGS

Veronica Mars

1)      Braden
2)      Dom
3)      Jeremy

90210

4)      Ken
5)      Helen
6)      Sue

Saved By the Bell

7)      Kate
8)      Alexandria
9)      Justin

Daria

10)   Karen

Hillside

11)   Miranda
12)   Alexander

Skins

13)   Sandro

Um, let's see, I don't know, maybe about six feet tall and two hundred pounds? I've been doing theater and improv in Chicago for a while now. Like fifteen years or so. O, yeah, I have a full day, day job for insurance and monetary purposes (no more half days with a big nap in the afternoon). I work as a project manager for a metal manufacturing plant. Huh? O, ah, two kids a wife. Yeah, they're great. I mean, not all the time great, like Brady Bunch shit, but no one has burned the house down yet. So, yeah, I guess that's it. I didn't get the job, did I?