Home Culture Broject Runway: Dead Amanda Walking

Broject Runway: Dead Amanda Walking

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After seeing the “Coming up on …” from last week, I was fairly pumped for this episode of Project Runway (PR): Elderly ladies tap dancing. It didn’t disappoint. Let’s go to the videotape!

Our designers are whisked away to a Seniors dancing class. A few of these lovely ladies stood out. Roll Call!

Cheryl – The spitting image of Martin Short’s character Jackie Rogers Jr. Teeth the size of Flo-Jo’s fingernails. Even better, Cheryl is the Yogi Berra of the senior tap dancing circuit. She shot off quote after quote of pure gold. She told Kate to “be a slut while you’re young. I’m glad I did.” And a PR Yoda is born. Promise me she comes back!

Bunny – A petite fireplug that is 75 percent hair and glasses. It’s a mystery whether her hair is her own. She had it styled in the chair, but I’m not sure what the implications are for that, right? Star Jones had her wigs styled, right? And Sherri Shepherd too? How do I know these nuggets? Best to move on. At one point, Bunny slapped our man Stanley on the ass, because … I guess … one of the perks of an AARP card is sexual harassment becomes cute? So many questions.

SIDE NOTE: One guilty delight in this episode was watching elderly women walking in stiletto heels. It was the gift that kept on giving. A wounded animal would look less sympathetic than these struggling lil’ tappers did. Honestly designers – maybe pick the flats off the Lord & Taylor accessory wall. No? Okay then, shoot an 8-point in the leg and send it down the runway.

The Challenge and Challengers:

Challenge: Design a timeless but age-appropriate look for these lovely ladies.

Michelle – Standard print dress. Acceptable. Let’s talk about Michelle a bit. She’s the funniest critic on the show right now. She took pointed accurate potshots at nearly everyone on the show tonight (including my main man Tu who “can’t sew for shit”).  She’s gone from Voice of Reason to Mean Girl Diva. I’m not sure I like this heel turn. Her caustic critiques only make me pine for Michael Kors. I don’t know how to quit you, Kors.

Layana – Almost non-existent in this episode, perhaps due to the fact that she and Michelle sent the same dress down the runway. I think she is going to hang around until the end of this show. She’s in the wheelhouse age range, seems cool under pressure, and has a good idea of her aesthetic. I haven’t seen her perform under duress yet, so there is a possibility she could implode, but I’ve got faith.

Patricia – Some sort of three-toned burlap wrap cape? This was a disaster. Patricia was spared the rod due to Michelle and Layana’s high marks. AND I’M GLAD. I think she may have an ALL-TIME DISASTER in her. I cannot wait for her Hindenburg Moment. Notable: she did not tell us about her Native roots this episode. The catfight brewing between her and Michelle could be a good one. I’ve got Patricia as a -180 favorite.

Dick Hallmarq – A turquoise and black piped jersey dress. Richard’s airtime was brief. Lack of airtime is a good sign if you want to make it through to the next episode. PR usually focuses on the tops and bottoms for narrative’s sake. I won’t lie though. I hope this will be the last quiet episode for the bubbly baldy from Sac-Town. He’s a charmer.

Tu – A green-belted atrocity made of felt and hope. My beloved Tu nearly got himself clipped by designing a piece that needed heavy sewing, although as Michelle pointed out earlier, HE CANNOT SEW. Don’t do this to me Tu! You’re my guy! I know you can’t win, but I want to take this journey you. Or at least as far as your pint size little engine can take us. Even you, yourself, on the runway said, “ I think the problem is really bad sewing.” Fix that shit, Tu. I mean it.

Kate – A two-piece black top with a floral skirt. Safe and acceptable.

Samantha – Leopard print skirt and a hideous yellow-green top. I don’t understand animal print. It is always tacky to me. My advice? When you get a senior lady who just lost 40 pounds asking for something that “shows off her tattoos,” please don’t put her cougar ass in cougar print.

Daniel – Our Randy Texas Dandy redeemed himself this week with a pretty fantastic pantsuit. He may linger a few more episodes, but ultimately this guy cannot win. There isn’t anything innovative about him except his facial hair.

Amanda – Wow. Terrible print dress. I like her, but my God. She’s the 2012 Arizona Cardinals. Three things are keeping her here: smoke, mirrors, and the fact that her brother is one of the Maroon 4 you don’t know names for. She’s in over her head and everyone knows it including her.

The Winna!

Stanley – JUMPSUIT SIGHTING! This was the best outfit and should/did win. This guy is a surgeon. Good with time, good with others. Knows his fashion history. Thoughtful and Articulate. I don’t think he’s the best designer in PR history, but he’s close. Stanley is PR’s Scottie Pippen.

Pack up your Shit

Benjamin – An ugly green bridesmaid dress. Thank you Project Runway! Send this guy home! Talk, talk, talk. All he did was talk about everything and produce nothing. And, WTF, everyone was sad to see him go. I don’t get it, except that he’s Australian and people do love Australians. No matter. He gone.

The Guest Judges

Super sad that Joan Rivers was underwhelming. After her turn on Louie last season, I thought maybe she had a little left in the tank. I was mistaken. All she brought were dusty vagina jokes. For the record, why was Melissa Rivers there? She is a mystery. I imagine her resume: Work Experience: 1968 to present – Joan Rivers Daughter. The rest is just crisp white paper.

Power Rankings:

On Golden Pond:

1)      Stanley

Cocoon:

2)      Layana

3)      Dick Hallmarq

Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:

4)      Daniel

5)      Samantha

Batteries Not Included:

6)      Tu

Driving Miss Daisy:

7)      Michelle

8)      Kate

9)      Patricia

Bucket List:

10)   Amanda

Um, let's see, I don't know, maybe about six feet tall and two hundred pounds? I've been doing theater and improv in Chicago for a while now. Like fifteen years or so. O, yeah, I have a full day, day job for insurance and monetary purposes (no more half days with a big nap in the afternoon). I work as a project manager for a metal manufacturing plant. Huh? O, ah, two kids a wife. Yeah, they're great. I mean, not all the time great, like Brady Bunch shit, but no one has burned the house down yet. So, yeah, I guess that's it. I didn't get the job, did I?