Short story? This was a run of the mill episode. However. In the waning moments of the episode, just when I thought all was lost, man alive, he appeared. Puffier then I remember, and as orange as a construction cone, Michael Fucking Kors appears to be back next week! Honestly, this coupled with the start of the NFL football season on the same night and I’m speechless. It’s the birth of my children and my wedding day all rolled into one, except better, and much less expensive. September 5, 2013. Remember this day folks. Or actually, you won’t need to. I’m going to get a tattoo to commemorate.
In what appears to be a one night only performance outside of his obligatory indoor shades cameo at fashion week, Kors is back. He looks to be at the top of his game as well. The whining. The catty remarks. Almost falling out of his chair laughing at his own jokes. I re-ran the DVR like 50 times. I had that smile a child gets when she first sees bubbles being blown. I’m smiling right now in my sleep. And on my way to work. And in a car accident. And in the hospital. And in surgery. And in post op. Nothing can dampen this week. Wait, what? It’s a three-day weekend? Damn right it is. BRING MY CHALICE AND MY FINEST ROBES.
Sorry, toweling off and getting back to the recap.
Last week, Justin, through no fault of his own, presented the ideal time for Tim Gunn to use his save, and the King of Tact seized the opportunity to use it. Genuinely grateful for being spared the rod, Justin got reminded by everyone, and I mean everyone, that he should have gone home last week. Everyone agreed it was the right thing to do. And by right, they meant impossible to argue with without seeming like a dirtbag.
nine, wait Justin is back, 10, wait I forgot about Karen, 11 contestants walked to some giant closet in the “Marie Claire” offices. They each received garage door openers and were quizzed about fashion to see which pair of shoes they got to choose from over 12 different pairs in the “Marie Claire” fashion closet. Exciting? Nope. They even edited some of the fashion questions out. THEY GOT BORED OF THEIR OWN PREMISE.
THE CHALLENGE: TAKE THIS PAIR OF SHOES AND DESIGN A LOOK AROUND IT.
Shoes: Nude Wedges
Dress: Origami White Top coupled with plaid pants
Takeaway: I may have underestimated Alexander. I still think he errs on the side of costume-y, but he’s not wallowing as near the bottom as I’ve had him ranked. Costume designers usually fair pretty poorly on PR due mainly to their taste level. Their tailoring and skills are usually dynamite, but given the opportunity to bedazzle, they will. They aren’t above producing something a very successful Caribbean prostitute might wear to the grand opening of a Red Lobster. Oooo . . . cheddar biscuits. Alexander has surprised me, and I like surprises. And so does Alexander, or at least his eyebrows lead me to believe he does.
Shoes: Pop Art Hooker Heels
Dress: Black Catsuit with a leather mini-jacket
Takeaway: He’s going to go home in a few weeks. When he does well it’s a super safe plain design, and when he does poorly it looks like a sea animal tried to mate with his garment. Again, totally likeable, humble, blah, blah, blah, guy … he’s just out of his league at this point. He even dresses himself the same all the time, paperboy hat and all. Extra, extra read all about it! Boring guy maintains lowest rung on totem pole with a mercy save. And then the paper is all blank pages because there is nothing interesting to say about Justin. I’ve turned the sound off on him. Too soon?
Shoes: Day Glo Strappy Wedges
Dress: Day Glo Strappy dress with a leather jacket
Takeaway: While they made fun of Jeremy’s dress and then dated-ness of it, I couldn’t help think that Karen’s was in the same boat. It looked like something a backup dancer would wear in a Bel Biv Devoe video. She is re-defining how low a profile can be kept on this show. She never even cracks the L’Oreal Paris hair and makeup montage. It’s impossible that she goes far in this competition, because the producers haven’t developed her story line at all. But there she is week after week, plugging along. Ken’s eyeroll has more airtime than Karen does.
Shoes: Just fucking insane, fantastic, logic-defying fire engine red rollercoaster heels
Dress: A weird maxi pant-skirt, with an overwrought waiter frock shirt
Takeaway: I can’t get over how incredible those shoes were. They looked impossibly uncomfortable, but wow. I didn’t really understand what Kate was going for here. Everything seemed overworked down to the kabuki lipstick on the model. It’s hard to get on someone for going for it, but I will because it’s Kate. I get the feeling like this “blind” runway is thrown out the window once the bottom three have been decided on. Without the Tim Gunn Save ™ and the opportunity to over scrutinize weak designers initially, the judges will take into account the designer’s prior work when deciding who to send home. This however won’t work in Kate’s favor. The judges will realize she is on her second go around and auf her without remorse.
Shoes: Jewel toned color blocked Doc Martens
Dress: A quilted dress that a young Japanese student could wear to a StarCraft tournament
Takeaway: I love Dom. I love Lamp, I love desk, but most of all I love Dom. The playfulness of her design makes me smile. I looked a little bunchy and thick but still, it was by far the most inventive of the designs this week. The judges settled on a top three of all black. Their loss. Her sense of cartoon-y fun I absolutely love. If she goes home before fashion week it would be the first time in a long time where I would truly be angry. I really want to see her collection.
Shoes: Black strappy boots
Dress: A Black Lizard Skinned Cocktail dress
Takeaway: I thought this was the winner. The fabric alone was incredible. I’m actually surprised I’ve never seen anyone use it or something similar before. Having said that, Ken is a ticking time bomb. I actually felt bad for him when the judges expressed how surprised that Ken produced this dress. But I’m sure the backhanded compliment will be stored in Ken’s mental hatebank, ready for withdrawal at later date after the hate has matured and compounded and the interest far exceeds the principle. I honestly have no idea how he’s going to react upon elimination. It is something I’m looking forward to. It could be this or this. and you know who’s he going to take it out on? Everyone. I’m excited.
KEN’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK
(In regards to Miranda’s outfit) . . . “looks like Amy Winehouse after she OD’ed.”
Shoes: Thigh high gladiator sandals with knee pads for um, I don’t know, sex stuff or something
Dress: Simple black cocktail dress with lace inserts
Takeaway: This was boring. Simple. I was with Zac on this. There was nothing to this. Not that it need to be on the bottom or anything, but a top design for the week? Must have been a bad week. One of these weeks, I’m waiting for someone with immunity to either just opt to sit it out and send nothing down, or go balls out and put together some hideous over the top deliciousness. It seems like everyone opts to go for more immunity. Someone needs to play that shit to the bone.
Shoes: Tragic bedazzled tuxedo loafers
Dress: A swing dancer top and skirt set in the color palatte of a rec room circa 1973
Takeaway: Bradon is lucky the whole decision making process isn’t blind. The judges really didn’t like his garment, and I got the feeling like they would have sent him home, if it wasn’t for brilliant earlier work he’d done. Bradon’s emerging pattern: use an off-beat construction method, force it into the design of your dress, and hide gold at the end of a rainbow. At least we know his dog’s been to Big Bear, right? That dog has been on more vacations then I have this year. Lucky pooch. Bradon’s shaky performance tonight wasn’t just a bad night at the office. His round peg into a square hole method worked early in the competition, but is losing traction along my faith in his run to fashion week. Also, I didn’t understand the love for those shoes. They reminded me of something Liberace would wear around the house.
Shoes: Julia Roberts hooker Boots
Dress: Julia Roberts oversized sweater dress
Takeaway: This guy should work at a Mini dealership. He used the term “finger on the pulse of fashion” to describe his giant see through Olivia Newton-John jazzercise sweater. My go,d does this guy think he’s the shit. When Bradon and Jeremy were asked to critique each other’s garments via the reaction booth, they got their points across in very different ways. Bradon with the tact of a deft politician informed us that he wasn’t a fan of Jeremy’s piece, but to each his own. Jeremy with all the tact of Veruca Salt, let us know that Bradon’s look was hideous. He’s my Public Enemy Number One right now. He should have been sent home this week. I’m buying a bottle of champagne. It’ll pop the night he goes home.
JUDGE OF THE WEEK
Let’s just say it wasn’t Kaley Cuoco’s make-up artist. She kinda looked like a tired raccoon with a shiner. Judge of the week was Kors.
DID TIM GUNN GET ON ALL FOURS TO LET SWATCH LICK HIS EARS?
Yes, yes he did (and it was terrifying).
Shoes: Steel Toed Pumps
Dress: Simple Black dress with a cape
Takeaway: Ho, ho, you know how to cut to this bro’s heart open don’t you, Helen? You boil my blood over the first couple episodes with your faux-tough act. Then you play to the judges’ heartstrings with your tear-filled runway performance only to have the benevolent Kahindo booted off the show. This week you send down a Goody Flanders bore-fest to match your steel tipped shoes and wait, what? It’s not a one piece? What’s that I see? A secret cape? Yes. A secret cape! Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I love capes! And a secret one no less! I can only imagine Dandy was sitting at home gnashing his teeth watching that cape go down the runway. You aren’t totally back in my good graces Helen, but dammit you’re 95% of the way. The world needs more capes.
PACK YOUR DAMN SEWING KIT . . . FINALLY
Shoes: Red Hugh Hefner Tuxedo Loafers
Dress: A white jacket/top with plaid pants
Takeaway: This wasn’t the worst look, but she’s the worst. After an absolutely wonderful piece (and out of left field) last week went unrewarded with a top three finish, you had to figure the judges were out for her. The blood was in the water. Her track record as a last place horse was the perfect frock block for Bradon once she landed in the bottom three. Finally sent to the glue factory, we can all rest a bit easier now that the Milwaukee quotient is down to zero on the show. Laverne has finally gone to visit Shirley in that big cheese curd in the sky.
Converse All Stars
Sandals with socks on
Those Dr. Zaius sneakers with the individual toe slots