broject brewster

Broject Runway: To Be Continued(ly Predictable)

Apr 5, 2013
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This was the 150th episode of “Project Runway” and you know what? I’ve never missed one. Ever. PR has changed networks, vacillated between sixty and ninety minutes long, has added sister shows about the models and the stew room cattiness. They’ve given out countless spin off shows like the unforgivable “Fabio’s Dinner Party.” All in all, I’ve probably watched, gulp, probably, 200+ hours of PR proper and related shows. That’s a full non-stop, three shifts a day, eight-day week. Am I ashamed? Fuck no. Do you think I should be? I don’t care. Was I in better shape when the show started in 2004? Yes I was. Who likes to answer rhetorical questions? Mostly just me.

The exercise above is used to illustrate a point. I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. Once something works on the show, plan on seeing it again. Be it the unconventional challenge, having an elimination during fashion week, or Diane Von Furstenberg, plan on seeing it again. This week combined so many elements of years gone by I wondered what year it was. Then I saw Zac Posen and new exactly what year it was. Nineteen hate-y hate. 1

The Challenge: Design a Fashion Forward look for an editorial featuring Jordana Brewster for Marie Claire Magazine.

With the Challenge came Nina Garcia’s stone tablets of editorial photo shoots. These ten tenets came to her in dream. As she climbed Mount Fabulous, a burning pile of Organza spoke to her in the harsh Italian voice of Gianni Versace. It spake thus.

  1. No Red Carpet Looks.
  2. No Gowns.
  3. No T-Shirts and Pants.
  4. Needs to be Editorial.
  5. Bold in the Color.
  6. Bold in the Shape.
  7. Bold in the Print.
  8. Bold in the Silhouette.
  9. Do not disappoint Nina.
  10. Do not embarrass Nina.

“Go forth, Challengers, and produce a dress for a girl who is a glorified extra in the underground car racing movie franchise where Paul Walker has found a home.” And with that, the burning fabric burst into the Four Unicorns of the Apocalypse, as was foretold by the Book of Rev-delicious-ness.

In the meantime, the designers were able to choose a personal minion/partner from the five most recently elimated designers. Yes, Tu is back.

The Challengers:

Lay-an-ah – chose the Evil Kate as her partner – designed a blue leather children’s mobile blouse and a tutu. This was one of those times that reinforced I must have no idea what is cool and what isn’t. This dress looked awful up close, and really overworked from afar, but the judges loved it. Besides Layana getting very little air time (good), and Kate turning out to be pretty supportive of the remaining designers (I’ll never forgive you for what you did to my Tu), these two forks were mercifully not dragged across the chalkboard.

Daniel – chose boring Samantha as his partner – designed a look for the Monarch from the Venture Brothers (a butterfly costumed Arch Villain). Dandy scared me here, but yet again, I have no eye for fashion. At differing points during this season, Daniel’s “everything is sunshine” routine has pulled the entire spectrum of emotions out of me. Once I finally gave myself over to the Dandy, I have enjoyed every moment. Rooting for him makes me a better person. His pre-school teacher enthusiasm is hypnotic.

At varying points of the confessional interviews, Dapper Dan rocked a leopard print pajama top that only the editor of Honcho Magazine could pull off. Then he wore the a Levi’s blue jean jacket to the runway that can be seen at various bus stops in El Paso and virtually nowhere else. But in true Danimal style, he loaned out his minion (Samantha) to Patricia at the last second in order to make sure the playing field was evenly ahead of him.

The only way our Texas Dandy will win this season is if he back-stabs, poisons, sabotages, and just generally burns everything to ground like Keyser Soze. So far, all we’ve got is Verbal Kint. I hope when he makes to fashion week, he whips off his mustache, puts on a cape, throws down a smoke bomb, then sheepishly puts back on his mustache and says, “Nah, it’s still little ol’ me,” giggles and waddles off.

Patricia – cruel fate chose Dick Hallmarq for her – designed a home-made Native American costume for a second grader’s thanksgiving pageant. Stuck with a walking, talking STD of a partner in Dick, Patricia spent more time worrying about teaching  the man to sew rather than putting together something remotely interesting. The judges spared the earthy seamstress more out of circumstance rather than performance. Hers was the worst and she deserved to be sent home. Instead we still have an outside chance of seeing her homegrown tribal garb stampeding down the runway at Fashion Week. For that, I salute the judges. Judge not, lest ye be stared at incredulously by Patricia.

The best part of the entire episode was the living eulogy Stanley, Layana, and Daniel were giving Patricia as they weakly stated in various forms that they all loved Patricia and her peace pipe garments but oh man, she was so outta there, only to have Patricia return to the winners lounge sobbing but not eliminated. The three “You’re not supposed to be here” looks were priceless as they tried to console her through all the tears and all the hair. My God, the hair.

The Winna!

Stanley – had first pick and chose America’s darling Tu – designed a “Charlie’s Angels” leather jacket and pair of white culottes. This was the best by far. Stanley won again because Stanley is a machine. After choosing Tu for his excellent sewing skills, Stanley pulled several pages out of of Mike Rice’s playbook to insult and berate his one-man sweat shop into the perfect team player. Stanley took this (my) fragile butterfly and tore off his wings in order to keep him grounded at the sewing machine. You have made the list, Stanley. Nobody puts baby in the corner. Stanley even took pride in his savage delegating skills. My distrust of robot s has never been higher.

Did Patricia threaten to make a cape for the Runway?

Yes, she did. And I love capes.

Pack your…To Be Continued.

Michelle – chose the re-animated Amanda (with glee!) – designed a fairly rocking t-shirt and pant combo, but in doing so she broke the third Nina Commandment. So she was left with a partial elimination. Next week she’ll have to make a non-t-shirt piece out of her ninja turtle chic and she’ll be magically saved. This is all posturing. A shot across the bow. If we do the math, PR has an episode left to go where they don’t eliminate anybody. Lifetime orders so many episodes, so you’re going to get them all. If you recall, in the prom dress episode, both the human anchor Kate and the Tu were eliminated in the same episode. This here’s the equalizer episode. They even left her of off PR’s European Vacation preview montage to maintain the suspense. I will suspend the suspense. Michelle’s not going anywhere. Let the man hate continue.

Next week

PR breaks the piggy bank and sends our five–yes, mark my words–remaining contestants to European countries in order to get inspiration. I cannot wait for Dandy to run with the bulls.

Power Rankings:

Christine

1) Stanley

Death Proof

2)  Michelle

Days of Thunder

3)  Layana

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

4)  Patricia

The Love Bug

5)  Daniel

Notes:

  1. Ed.’s Note: Pete dearly misses Michael Kors

Um, let's see, I don't know, maybe about six feet tall and two hundred pounds? I've been doing theater and improv in Chicago for a while now. Like fifteen years or so. O, yeah, I have a full day, day job for insurance and monetary purposes (no more half days with a big nap in the afternoon). I work as a project manager for a metal manufacturing plant. Huh? O, ah, two kids a wife. Yeah, they're great. I mean, not all the time great, like Brady Bunch shit, but no one has burned the house down yet. So, yeah, I guess that's it. I didn't get the job, did I?