Broject Runway: You a bruja…You a witch

Aug 9, 2013
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This was probably the smartest episode of this show I’ve ever watched, and I’ve seen literally all of them. When the “Project Runway” people submit an episode for Emmy consideration, this will have to be it.

We were given a brief glimpse into the future to start this episode with everyone’s favorite white tiger-wearing asshole, Sandro, raging against everyone’s machine. Out of context it looked a lot like the “scenes from next episode” teaser they run at the end of each episode. With context, however, it played in perfect harmony with Bradon’s eerily spot-on prediction (he guessed the evening before that it would be a gay wedding challenge). Whoa. This motherfucka can see the future and now, so can we. Cue the Vincent Price “Thriller” laugh.

The actual gay half of the funniest gay couple on TV showed up, and Jesse Tyler Ferguson 1 was here to tell us about this wonderful way to raise money through bow ties for marriage equali….MY DEAR LORD WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FACE, HE’S MELTING! Lo-Re-Al, what the hell happened here? He looked like he was embalmed and had his eyebrows shaved off. What is it with the redheads and their eyebrow sadism on this show? JTFerg made Tim “Top” Gunn look like George Hamilton. Then halfway through the segment he was completely red? You’re turning Violet, Violet!

Once we winced our way through JTF’s waxen meltaway, we finally got our challenge:

DESIGN A GARMENT BASED OFF OF THE BOW TIES IN JTF’S COLLECTION AND INCORPORATE AT LEAST ONE BOW TIE INTO YOUR LOOK

On to our challengers:

Ken – A leather Mad Maxine look with an unfortunate red stripper zipper down the back. It was a solid effort. A shame really. You would think anyone with a bow tie tattooed on his body would do a better job of showcasing the Poindexter chic accoutrement. But Andre 1500 is slowly morphing into something of the tact police in the workroom, constantly letting people know what they should and should not say. When he was trading “you’re out of orders” with Sandr-hole, I was confused as to why it was Ken’s fight to fight. As much as I enjoyed the banter of a senile judge arguing with his beloved pet parrot, I couldn’t help but side with Sandro. Shut the fuck up, Ken. I haven’t totally turned on Ken, but my unfounded love is waning.

NEW SEGMENT! KEN’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

“You out of order some damn time.”

Helen – A dumpy modern day Goody Flanders look with light blue bow tie trim. Wasn’t the worst, but was bad enough to be in the bottom if not for her immunity from last week when she was carried by won with Kate. Later to be torched by the judges for being a possible fraud, our walking Glass Menagerie was reduced to tears at the faintest whiff of criticism. Honestly. Crybabies and tattoos haven’t been this tight since John Waters. I was, is, and ever shall be tired of the broken flower act from Helen. I understand this is in direct conflict with my “just cry, baby” attitude towards Dandy last season, but I don’t give a shit. I liked Daniel because he was that happy fat spinster aunt that everyone loves. Helen is the woman who writes bad poetry about suicide girl.

Alexander – A killer Crayola box bow tie collar coupled with a deflated black cat suit from a Missy Elliot video. It was great if only it was shown from the neck up. Our constantly surprised costume designer isn’t long for this competition. Everything he churns out fall on the wrong side of the taste border. In better news for UB40, he had the second worst eyebrows on the show until JTF got a blood transfusion and looked much better during the runway portion of the show. Then Alexander the OK was back to the worst.

Karen – A dumpy, ambitious Mrs. Crackerjack look straight from shore leave. Here’s an experiment for you. Next time you watch the show, rewind her segments and turn away when she speaks so you cannot see the screen. She sounds exactly like Drew Barrymore to me. Am I crazy? Let me know. I may be crazy. In huge news (for her), sometimes her hipster get-up gets kinda out of control during the one on one interview section–tonight her interview outfit looked like if Punky Brewster and Jem were assimilated.

NEW SEGMENT: ROBBED!

Alexandria – A simple Roman style top tri-tone dress that was simple sophistication. I dug this. A lot. I don’t really like Alexandria. Mainly because I feel like she would hate me in real life. Like really hate me. But she got robbed here. I thought this was a top three look. And I’m not just saying that because I fear her. I think simple is very hard to do without underdoing it. I don’t know what exactly makes something simple perfection vs. too little, but I know it when I see it. Just like pornography. I know it when I see it.

Justin – A waaaay too simple charcoal dress. Not good enough. This should have been in the bottom three. Our one man wolfpack seems to be extremely tame and boring in his looks. If it wasn’t for Pope Guybrows dragging him under the sea last week, he’s been very underwhelming and too bland. I don’t think he’s a dead man walking like I do with Alexander the Surprised, but he’s got to make some serious strides seriously fast to get to fashion week. I’m rooting for him, but not as passionately as I once had. Unfortunately his advantage of being able to ignore Sandro via turning his hearing aid down is gone.

THE TOPS

Dom – A fitted seersucker dress with a fruit stripe neckline. Hot damn. I’m beginning to develop a serious fashion crush on Dom. Everything she’s sent down the runway has been fun and spot on. She plays well with others, and looks to be destined for NYC fashion week. She’s a bit young, so I’m nervous things could derail. It seems like the contestants with a little more seasoning have a more even keel and more to draw from. If I had to bet on someone winning the whole thing right now, I’d bet her. For two reasons: One, I think she could in fact win it all. Two, it’s always more fun to wager on something you enjoy. Right now, she’s my summer jam.

Kate – To die for two tone cigarette pants and a stupid ’70s blousy bullshit top. I’m torn on this one. It was like topping chocolate ice cream with forks on a chalkboard. Yeah I mixed that simile. The dress and the contestant. On one hand, she killed my Tu-Bear. On the other, she seems to have mended her ways after seeing the show. On the third hand, she’s been on the show for like 25 episodes. It seems grossly unfair. On Goro’s fourth and final hand 2, she’s helping others and turning out above average gear. I don’t know. Eh, fuck her, she had her chance and lost. If she goes deep, it’s a problem for this show as stated in a past blog. It undermines the credibility.

THE BOTTOMS

Jeremy – Put together a stunning look for an aging matador out on the town under serious duress. This was a-no good-a. He designed this as an homage to his recently deceased grandmother (not actually related to him). Well, unless his recently deceased gran (not related) was a bullfighter or a turn of the century brothel employee, I think this might have been a disservice to her memory. He looked pretty lost, which was odd for him. Even his own clothes looked sort of dumpy which doesn’t’ seem to be his M.O. Kinda looked like he destroyed gallons of Haagen-Dazs. He gets a pass here, because of (I hate myself for saying this) prior glory. This guy had a legit loss. Slack = cut. One thing I respect, but don’t understand is the term grandma for my spouse’s grandmother. To me she’s just an ancient woman related to my kids, but to each his own.

Miranda – Put together a houndstooth atrocity with a green… wait for it…wait for it…EXPOSED BELLY top. Get her out of here. The judges finally got rid of Milweirdee last week. Now get rid of Milweakee. I feel like I’m watching the scene from “Pulp Fiction” when Jules and Vincent get an entire magazine emptied on them and they come out unscathed. How many time can she dodge the bullet? I’ll give her credit for being aware of the fact that she doesn’t belong here. But enough is enough. Get rid of her. Di Di Mau.

Sue – A $400 dollar jersey dress with a giant squid attached to it. Bad Idea jeans. This is the first time I actually got a joke or two poached by the judges. I had so many little shop of horrors, alien, sea monster notes written I’m pissed I didn’t live tweet this mofo. So be it. PR constantly pounded the money issue with tight closeups of our twisted sister, so I’m guessing it becomes an issue down the line. That probably means she’s going to be around for a while. I don’t really like or dislike her or her designs, but I better get used to her and her Jules Verne aesthetic (I couldn’t help myself).

NEW SEGMENT: OUR JUDGE OF THE WEEK!

Zac Posen – stared down the Siberian-est of Tigers without blinking. After Sandro Dee, who was safe this week pre-freak out, asked the judges to “tell me about it. stud,” Zac took the opportunity to roast him over an open flame. It was almost as if he was hoping Sandro would say something. “A walk of shame after an awards show” might have been the actual lance that killed Sandro’s remaining sanity. Well done, Zac. He asked for it and you delivered.

DID TIM GUNN CASE THE WORK ROOM AFTER EVERYONE HAD LEFT TO MAKE SURE THERE WERE NO DEAD BODIES IN THERE?

Yes, yes he did.

THE WINNA!

Bradon – An all-bow tie bikini top and a business suit for aspiring resort waiters. This dress was perfect for Ya, the model wearing the dress. The only problem is she is the only person on this planet that has that skin tone and build. In the universe. I just got a hot flash of some of my Irish sistern wearing that top, and ho ho, it’s not a good look. I thought this was a bit overrated. In hindsight, I’m glad he won and what transpired after was nothing short of inspirational.

Once again, our prognosticating Leprechaun foresaw the tumbling of one of America’s more stupid laws and asked the love of his life to marry him on the runway. To see these two gentlemen converse with each other via Skype and unknowingly trade marriage proposals warmed my heart. I dare anyone to watch these best friends of 18 years who want to share their love and deny them the opportunity to make it official. Anyone who views otherwise is a selfish monster. Rant time: We get one go around on this planet, and we need to stop fighting to make other people fit in our comfortable boxes. Let them live their lives the way they see fit. I sure as hell am going to live mine exactly the way I want to, which is on the couch with Cheet-o fingers, blogging about a fashion-based reality show.

PACK YOUR DAM…HEY WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? PROJECT RUNAWAY.

Sandro – A pink Victor/Victoria ball gown with all the telltale male anger corseting and binding that is Sandro. I’m going to miss you, Sandro (and your model). But come on people, we all knew how this was going to go down. Sandro’s penchant for medicated mood swings and broken English tirades all pointed in one direction: TO THE TOP OF QUOTE MOUNTAIN. And then toward an inevitable meltdown.

There was a lot to love here. The open shirts. The tiger prints. The mustache. The maniacal laughter. The lurching. The disregard for production crew. The hotpants with exposed vagina. The utter disdain for Zac Posen. His occasional attempts at Spanish. His incoherent one-on-one interviews. His lack of anything that resembles shame. The silent weeping after a hard day. The immense amount of cocaine one must do to maintain this avalanche of personality. So much to love.

Frankly, I found his point to fairly valid to Helen, until he started mf’ing the etiquette cop, Ken. Then I started to turn on him. He’s like the addict in the family. You go back and forth between hating and loving him, but eventually you become resigned to the fact that he’s not long for this world. Then before you know it, he’s walking out backstage. The same backstage where Timothy read a model’s letter aloud to a stuffed unicorn. Like a close encounter with the Yeti, Sandro stormed off, shouted fuck you, and pawed the cameraman. Then like Keyser Soze, he was gone. Poof. A ghost story we’ll tell our children.

You’re an all-timer Sandro. Like Vincent the space cadet, or the girl who spit on clothing. Or the girl who pounded leather, and Dandy. I’m going to miss you, you misogynist asshole.

Here’s hoping you come back in some sort of helper capacity later in the show. Until then, shine on you crazy, angry, mustached diamond. Clam vagina.

POWER RANKINGS:

Fuck you

1)   Braden
2)   Dom

Fuck you

3)   Alexandria
4)   Kate
5)   Jeremy

Fuck you

6)   Ken
7)   Sue

Fuck you

8)   Helen
9)   Karen

Camera Punch

10)  Justin
11)  Alexander

Silently crying in front of a sewing machine

12)  Miranda

Notes:

  1. Of “Modern Family” fame.
  2. Broject Runway is the only place you’ll get a Mortal Kombat reference in a PR recap, guaranteed.

Um, let's see, I don't know, maybe about six feet tall and two hundred pounds? I've been doing theater and improv in Chicago for a while now. Like fifteen years or so. O, yeah, I have a full day, day job for insurance and monetary purposes (no more half days with a big nap in the afternoon). I work as a project manager for a metal manufacturing plant. Huh? O, ah, two kids a wife. Yeah, they're great. I mean, not all the time great, like Brady Bunch shit, but no one has burned the house down yet. So, yeah, I guess that's it. I didn't get the job, did I?

  • Joanna Hustler-Sterngold

    Ok, that whole Jeremy’s dead grandma thing had me really confused… Then he said it was his husband’s maternal grandma??? Yaaa that’s a stretch for the sympathy vote, bud. On another note, thanks for supporting marriage equality. And thanks for the ode to Sandro. I will seriously miss him, but I feel like now that he’s gone, Ken the diva-in-waiting will have his chance to shine, and I’m really looking forward to that.

  • Pete Fitzsimmons

    I couldn’t pick my wife’s grandma out of a lineup. Maybe it’s “I really miss my kids” moment manifesting itself as something else. Or maybe he really dug her. Either way it was odd.

    Thank you for being the one woman broject runway chat army.

    I think Ken is going to go full pitbull eventually. It’ll be great.

    Libretti. Wow. Long time, no see. It got me thinking about how I started doing these eons ago. So I dug them up on an old message board from seven years ago. A couple of improvisors and I were doing recaps before recaps were recaps. They are all over the place, but there are like 5 seasons in there. Where does the time go.

    http://www.chicagoimprov.org/forumdisplay.php?f=10&sort=replycount&order=desc&daysprune=-1