I got a late start on tonight’s viewing of “Dancing with the Stars” because after much deliberation, my Chicago Bulls decided to take their talents to South Beach. Out of a healthy respect for superstition, I decided to speak no more of it and merely delight in the memory of LeBron James‘ fourth quarter airball while I watched DWTS into the wee hours.
AND THEN LEN GOODMAN BLEW AN ANEURYSM.
Seriously, what the hell happened? His face got red, he stood up and got big like a bear, pointed his finger into multiple faces, insulted multiple people just a little too much, gave Kellie Pickler a tragically unfair score, everything got awkward, Bruno Tonioli’s feelings got hurt, Kellie cried because she was caught in the middle of something wildly strange and not her fault, Tom Bergeron desperately attempted to lighten the mood for a Disney crowd that wasn’t prepared for it to get that dark and everything just generally went berserk. Thank god for commercial breaks, right? Check video of Len’s meltdown at the 3:56 mark of the Paso Doble clip below. I’ll address the implications of this bizarre development more in depth during tomorrow night’s results recap.
Twitter Prediction: Zendaya dances hip hop next week. I would try to explain to you what this means but honestly, this was the most complicated Twitter vote DWTS has attempted and even Bergeron couldn’t tell the audience about it with a straight face. All you need to know is Zendaya dances hip hop. If she doesn’t, it’s straight rigged. As I’ve mentioned before, Zendaya rules the T-Zone.
Finally, it’s Trio Night. Each star will have to do a regular dance, but also a trio–a dance with their partner and a third dancer, either an eliminated pro or a troupe member.
For the first time this year, there are less than four stars at the top of the Power Rankings. As always see the summary up top, then scroll down to for the details.
Kellie Pickler: She has no clue what she did wrong, neither do I
Aly Raisman: Last week’s human performance wasn’t a fluke
THREE RING CIRCUS
Jacoby Jones: Less jumping over women, more dancing please
THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT
Ingo Rademacher: All eights all the time
Sean Lowe: At least Catherine loves him
Partner: Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Dance 1: Foxtrot to Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” (9, 10, 9)
Trio: Salsa to Bonde do Rolê’ “Dança Molengo” featuring Gleb Savchenko (10,10,10)
- My Pre-Season ranking: Hmmmm
- My Ranking after Week 1: Wow!! Rycroft ++++
- My Ranking after Week 2: Melissa Rycroft WISHES she danced this well
- My Ranking after Week 3: Boringly great
- My Ranking after Week 4: It’s a race to second place.
- My Ranking after Week 5: Next week they should make her dance on her hands
- My Ranking after Week 6: Yes, I got some honeysuckle chocolate-chippin’ kisses full of love for this dance
- My Ranking after Week 7: Sunny and 72
- My Ranking after Week 8: Don’t worry, no seriously don’t worry
Dance 1: Honestly, there is nothing under the sun that you can say about Zendaya. There is nothing exciting about watching her dance anymore. She had a meteoric rise and has plateaued at a shockingly high level to the point where she’s boring.
Trio: The choreography on this dance was at a ridiculously high level. First perfect score of the season.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Dance 1: Argentine Tango to El Alacran’s “Reflejo de Luna” (9,10,10)
Trio: Jive to “Hit the Road Jack” featuring Henry Bialakov (9,9,9)
- My Pre-Season ranking: Bad Omens
- My Ranking after Week 1: Good dancer, Great Robot
- My Ranking after Week 2: This will be a tough year for a Robot to win this thing
- My Ranking after Week 3: Moving in the right direction
- My Ranking after Week 4: Not my cup of tea, but I don’t matter at all
- My Ranking after Week 5: Siri, do me a samba
- My Ranking after Week 6: “An understated performer”
- My Ranking after Week 7: Finally shed her titanium shell and danced like a human!
- My Ranking after Week 8: No longer a non-threatening robot, now a terrifying Cylon
Dance 1: It’s unlucky for everyone else that Aly is figuring out how to “act” in addition to being naturally able to complete sharp and intricate moves in between calmly executed lifts. There is nothing more dangerous than an organically generated cyborg. Just ask Gaius Baltar.
Trio: I thought it was a quiet little dance compared to everyone else’s, especially for a jive. But the judges loved it.
Partner: Derek Hough
Dance 1: Viennese Waltz to Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” (9,9,10)
Trio: Paso Doble to E.S. Posthumous’ “Unstoppable” featuring Tristan McManus (10,7, 10)
- My Pre-Season ranking: In Like Rycroft
- My Ranking after Week 1: Rycroft Belle
- My Ranking after Week 2: Melissa Rycroft has left the building 1
- My Ranking after Week 3: I wasn’t so impressed, but she’s definitely go the benefit of the doubt from me
- My Ranking from Week 4: A second week of not-as-perfect-as-her-first-two-weeks
- My Ranking from Week 5: Everybody loves Kellie
- My Ranking after Week 6: She got 10’s. That means Derek has to buy her shoes!!!
- My Ranking after Week 7: Another night on the dance floor, another couple 10’s. Yawn.
- My Ranking after Week 8: Finally . . . some drama, but oh, poor Kellie!
Dance 1: Kellie pulled an Andy Dick and wept through her rehearsal package. Then she came out and aced her Viennese Waltz. It was beautiful and smooth and princess-y and heartfelt.
Trio: This was a rewind and watch it again dance. I mean, WOW. That’s the difference between boringly great and showstopper. I told myself I was going to quit the show if they got any less than a perfect score after Zendaya got one earlier. But guess what? LEN GAVE IT A SEVEN. THAT’S WHAT HE GAVE LOWE. A clearly unfair score resulting from a burst of insanity that had nothing to do with Kellie and everything to do with something personal. A horrible turn of events.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff
Dance 1: Viennese Waltz to James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” (9,9,9)
Trio: Paso Doble to Canadian Brass’ “La Virgen de la Macarena” featuring Cheryl Burke (8,9,8)
- My Pre-Season ranking: In Like Rycroft
- My Ranking after Week 1: In Like Rycroft … but room for improvement.
- My Ranking after Week 2: Better this week, but still couldn’t beat Rycroft 3
- My Ranking after Week 3: If he’s this good at the sexy dances, he’s a legit contender
- My Ranking after Week 4: “Get that booty in and you could win this thing.”
- My Ranking after Week 5: Kellie got a better score, but this was a better dance
- My Ranking after Week 6: Hit a speedbump this week … but he’s still rollin’
- My Ranking after Week 7: If Aly’s getting better scores than Jacoby, he better look in the mirror
- My Ranking after Week 8: Better than last week, hope next week is better than this week
Dance 1: Jacoby said about three words the entire rehearsal package. He shut his mouth, put his head down and WORKED. I was glad to see it too. Last week, he slept on Raisman and she’s hugging his tail. Not in a good way. His Viennese Waltz was sleek and effortless–a pleasure to watch.
Trio: Quick side rant: I am tired of watching Jacoby jump over women. Back to the dance. It was raw, powerful, untamed, and other words that Bruno uses a lot. Really quite impressive. He will have to continue to work hard though, to keep the ladies from gaining separation.
Partner: Kym Johnson
Dance 1: Foxtrot to Michael Buble’s “You Make Feel So Young” (8,8,8)
Trio: Jive to Olly Murs‘ “Dance with Me Tonight” featuring Lindsay Arnold (8,8,8)
- My Pre-Season ranking: Bad Omens
- My Ranking after Week 1: Intrigued … but the jury’s still out
- My Ranking after Week 2: Still intrigued
- My Ranking after Week 3: STILL intrigued
- My Ranking after Week 4: Has this guy actually got a chance?
- My Ranking after Week 5: Skating through to next week?
- My Ranking after Week 6: A very happy birthday indeed!
- My Ranking after Week 7: Lucky he got a second chance at the rumba in the dance off
- My Ranking after Week 8: Channeling Andy Dick . . . that can’t be good
Dance 1: Ingo’s rehearsal package showed him totally burnt out, washed out, and if he wasn’t careful, voted out. When it was done, he danced a competent foxtrot but it wasn’t extraordinary. I was surprised to see him outscore Lowe, but at this stage of the game, that’s faint praise.
Trio: I really liked this one. Tons of fun. Carrie Ann got it right when she said that it felt like an Andy Dick dance.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Dance 1: Tango to Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold” (7,7,7)
Trio: Jazz to B.O.B.’s “Magic” featuring Sharna Burgess (7,7,7)
- My Pre-Season ranking: Good Omens
- My Ranking after Week 1: Let him dance until he’s not hot anymore
- My Ranking after Week 2: He’s still pretty hot
- My Ranking after Week 3: He’s got to work pretty hard to make himself not hot, but he kind of did that this week
- My Ranking after Week 4: Replacing Aly Raisman as the Robot Who Can Dance
- My Ranking after Week 5: More Robot Dancing, More Human Love
- My Ranking after Week 6: shirrrrrt offffffff mphff
- My Ranking after Week 7: Too much Catherine, not enough shirtless
- My Ranking after Week 8: At least Catherine loves him
Dance 1: An interesting tango that started impressively and then tailed off into forgettable. I try to pinpoint sometimes why Sean is good but not great but it’s elusive. It’s the same reason why some people say funny words but they aren’t funny people. Sean can dance, but he’s just not a dancer. That’s worked out nicely so far, but there are dancers ahead of him and there’s no one to hide behind.
Trio: Sean looked pretty outmatched in this dance. Almost to the point where I felt sad for the former Bachelor. He has a shot to stick around another week though, thanks to #BachelorNation, Ingo’s forgettable moves and lack of a hashtag army.