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Broject Runway: ‘I Didn’t Rise My Voice’

Mar 8, 2013
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We started with a bit of perfect irony from the pint-sized bridal gown designer Kate. “Layana, Michelle and Amanda are bitches. The rest of the people think they are hot shit.” She digs Tu though. That makes two of us, sister. Let’s get right into this.

Challenge: Design a prom dress made out of Duck Tape (one dress per two-designer team)

Stanley: Zebra baby doll dress with a big ass pink bow. My take? SOLID. The dress and the man.  Nothing can stop Stanley. He has no discernible weaknesses. My point? We may have science fiction’s first Design Mech on our hands. Whereas past winners who have outpaced the competition this much have larger than life personalities, Stan the man doesn’t suffer from that affliction. HE DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR PERSONALITY. IT SLOWS DOWN THE MACHINE 100010011110. The only thing that can stop this guy is lack of oil. If he turns out a bad dress, look for smoke in his hair.

Layana: Stanley’s partner. She brought the whining to a new level this week. She made high-pitch noises until Stan-borg veered from his zebra/pink only pallet. In hindsight the black helped balance the baby doll dress, so she knows what she’s doing, but doesn’t know how to go about getting it. I think she’s going to be around for a while. She has the best sense of style of any contestant on the show.

Samantha: Silver Praying Mantis dress. Believe it or not based on that description, it wasn’t one of the worst. She saved our bug-eyed Native American Patricia from total disaster. Samantha said “bugging out” seven times. Hard to gauge what this girl has got going on but I’m pretty sure she’s good.

Patricia: Samantha’s partner. She showed the briefest moment of self awareness by acknowledging she isn’t the easiest person on the planet to work with. If Stanley is made only of bolts and steel, Patricia is the opposite. She’s all organic, baby. I get the feeling like she may smell like an outdoor music festival. Tim Gunn said he worried about their design during his critique and her eyes bored holes through him, the girl behind him, the table behind her, and the window behind the workroom.

Dick Hallmarq: Euroslut Gold Dress – Perfect for Olivia Newton-John. Mr. Hallmarq had some drama this week. After professing his love for all things team Stanley/Dick from last week, Stanley passed him over. For Layana! He wept invisible tears and then fell into the arms of Daniel, whom he quickly announced was his new favorite partner. Designer Love Triangle! Problem there is Stanley is a 5 category monster, and Daniel is a guy with bad taste who loves everything (including ducks!). Dick quickly shapeshifted into a bad designer this week. Our bald Dick might just be a get along gal. We shall see.

Daniel: Dick’s new improved partner. There is so much to dislike here. Bad Taste. Creepy Mustache. One of those guys that thinks everything is rosy all the time. Wears his own clothes two sizes too small. Crazy Confident. But then, just when I want to tear his happy face off? He wears a fucking cape to the runway show. A CAPE, DUDE. A fucking cape. Man Alive. I take it all back Daniel. I apologize. It takes a certain man to dress like Old, Portly, Hispanic Harry Potter or Mysterious Funeral Director of Veracruz. YOU HAVE CAPED YOUR WAY BACK INTO MY GOOD GRACES, DANIEL.

Amanda: Little Red Riding Houndstooth. This was great. This year on the runway the judges and I have almost always agreed. 1 Like Daniel, she went big when it came to dressing herself for the runway. Decked out in full dojo gear, Amanda rose from the grave. Time will tell if the re-animation of Amanda is the Lazarus kind or more the “Walking Dead” kind. Needless to say, I dig her honesty and humility and either way, I’m happy to have her roaming the countryside looking for brains.

The Winna!

Michelle: Amanda’s partner. She seemed like the only person in the room who had actually ever been to a prom, which gave her a leg up. I think she goes deep in this competition. Her confidence has never wavered through the lean weeks. The aesthetic she designs has won on the runway before as well (see Seth Aaron, Jeffrey Neck Tattoo). This bodes well for Michelle.[rhymes]

Pack your Sewing Kit(s)

Kate & Tu: Denim Mermaid Dress. With little or no real world experience, one must rely on gut instinct and proven fashions to constitute…eerrrgh…I can’t do this. Why, Kate, WHY? Why did you bring down my little angel Tu? First you relegate him to the Minion role only to serve your cold-hearted visions of antiquity…then you stifle his bubbly giggling nonsensical voice? I BLAME YOU.

And Tu? Even in his darkest hour, he asked you not to cry. Even though you were the iceberg to my beloved Titanic, Tu. You are the last sip of beer. You are the burst pipe in my basement of love. You may be a good person 2, but for now, you are on my list of The 10 Worst Things About 2013. 3 Deal with it.

An Open Letter to Tu: We had some good times, Tu. On your way out you wore a skort thing that no one could pull off but you. Hell, at the top of the show, you claimed you are terrified of ducks. An Asian Guy terrified of ducks? You slay me, Tu! But in the end, you went silent. Although I could never really understand what you were saying, at least you were talking. At the end, your Tu-ish prattle lay dormant. “I didn’t rise my voice.” Indeed. Thank you to the judges for humanely discarding you. With a kiss and an open palm, they sent you to the work room. They saved the back of the hand for Kate.

I’ll be right here, Tu (heartpoint).

Power Rankings:

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

1.  Stanley

Mean Girls

2.  Layana
3.  Michelle
4.  Samantha

Dazed and Confused

5.  Dick Hallmarq

Carrie

6.  Patricia

Say Anything

7.  Amanda

Clueless

8.  Daniel

Notes:

  1. Maybe I’m getting better at this, which I hope is true because that means I’m becoming more like Kors. I MISS YOU KORS!
  2. and everyone gets cooler with age (except cool kids, they get worse)
  3. Also on the list: Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, the band Fun., Dennis Rodman, hemorrhoids, Penn State trustees, a preemptive Adam Dunn, the lack of humidity in my apartment and poopy diapers.

Um, let's see, I don't know, maybe about six feet tall and two hundred pounds? I've been doing theater and improv in Chicago for a while now. Like fifteen years or so. O, yeah, I have a full day, day job for insurance and monetary purposes (no more half days with a big nap in the afternoon). I work as a project manager for a metal manufacturing plant. Huh? O, ah, two kids a wife. Yeah, they're great. I mean, not all the time great, like Brady Bunch shit, but no one has burned the house down yet. So, yeah, I guess that's it. I didn't get the job, did I?

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