We get it, Bud Selig. You loathe Oakland.
So much so that you’d rather keep quiet on A-Rod, a player who has irrevocably tarnished the game, and instead bash a franchise that has the second-most championships in the MLB since 1970.
Maybe you’re mad Brad Pitt didn’t give you a cameo in “Moneyball.” Maybe Jose Canseco called you a little b@&% on Twitter. And maybe, just maybe, you calling the Oakland Coliseum “a pit” on the John Feinstein radio show is your way of inspiring that inept staff you appointed four years ago to finally find a solution to the A’s new stadium situation.
You know, the U.S. government hasn’t served their people in two days, but you and your cronies haven’t served Oakland fans in four years. You sure came to the rescue of Dodger fans when their old owners were wickety wickety wack. Why not step in and kick Lew Wolff to the curb? What, fratbags don’t fire their fellow fratbags?
Hey, at least you stuck to the rules this postseason. At least Oakland doesn’t have to play the first two games of the ALDS on the road despite having the better record. At least Oakland gets to prove their stadium can house more fans per game than Detroit (when you’re not conspiring with Wolff to bring attendance numbers down by tarping off the upper deck).
But why call the Coliseum a “pit” now? What are you trying to cover-up with this obvious distraction tactic?
Is it the umpires you’re staffing the series with?
It’s an All-Star crew. And by All-Star, I mean the umpires with the biggest strike zones in baseball. I can see the dilemma brewing in your head a few weeks ago, and your decision process.
Hmmmm, what do tonight? “Bachelorette” re-runs? Publik speek leshons wit Steben Hahking? Wait, ESPN sez Oakland mos patient teem at plate in bezball.
[The phone rings. Selig answers].
“Oh hai, who dis?”
“Ur vice prezdent.”
“Oh Torrey! Hai Joe. What rong Joe?”
“Deez A’s. Me thinks umps wit big strike zones gets dem out of playoffs. Dey look at ballz, but not ballz! Dey strikes now! Tigers ohtay cuz dey swing at eberyting. Dis way you make more moneyz.”
“More moneyz? Ohtay. Danks Joe.”
[Hangs up phone]
Where to find umpz wit da big strike zones?
Me check Google.
I’ll spare our readers from you for a sec here, and just list the squad you compiled.
Crew Chief Gary Darling — Darling has been voted by fans as the second worst umpire in the majors. What’s worse than an MLB umpire? An MLB umpire that’s actually been fined for his conduct.
CB Bucknor — Bucknor is old school. Old school like DDT and asbestos insulation. Old school like making the call when you clearly didn’t see the play.
Tom Hallion — The dude that told David Price to throw the fucking ball over the plate.
Jim Reynolds — A’s fans will remember him from last year’s ALDS, when he was behind the plate in Game 1, when he gave Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander strikes over a foot off the plate. Shockingly, the Tigers won.
Mark Wegner — As if short man’s syndrome wasn’t enough (at 5’8”, he’s the closest to the strike zone in baseball), here’s a sampling of his calls.
We get it, Bud Selig. You couldn’t just get umps with big strikes zones. You had to get umps who are some of the most inconsistent and atrocious in the game. Four of these umpires (Darling, Reynolds, Wegner, and Bucknor) are in the top 20 of the most inconsistent umpires out there.
But hey, at least you didn’t give us Angel Hernandez. In fact, you kept him out of the first round entirely. You should give yourself a raise for that decision. Or another episode of “The Bachelorette.” You deserve it.
In the meantime, Oakland will keep winning, despite your attempts to stop them.
And for you and everyone else out there, waiting for Oakland “to come down to earth” . . . How about you get out from under your rock?