This week’s Court-side comes to you courtesy of the nosebleed section: I went to a Dallas Mavericks game the other night and I couldn’t help but notice that I happened to be sitting near the worst basketball “fan” of all time.

He was wearing a fedora, couldn’t have been much older than 30, and looked like a slightly better-smelling Anthony Hamilton about the face. I first noticed him during the first half of the game, where he went out of his way to cheer for every basket and decent play by the Pacers. This went on for a while until my friend sitting next to me asked him, “Are you a Pacers fan?”

His answer: “I’m a fan of every team EXCEPT the Mavs.”

Ah yes, the “hater” prototype. The person that lives in a city but won’t root for the nearest team because “that’s what everyone else is doing,” so they either root for every other team to prosper or hop on the bandwagon of the most successful team at the time (if you were a Bulls fan in the ’90s but just LOVE the Miami Heat now, I’m talking to you).

This guy then went on to talk down on the Mavs, saying that Mark Cuban won’t spend money and get players and will never have anything to show for it. My friend and I then gestured to the rafters toward the 2011 championship banner and he then replied:

“That’s only one, though. Other teams have more.”

Factual, but short-sighted in my opinion, considering the Mavs’ history and how bad they were before Cuban. As he left out to get popcorn or possibly relieve himself in the bathroom of a small percentage of the bullshit in his body, he added, “That one was a fluke anyway.”


First off, I don’t believe in a such thing as a fluke title. Second, that Mavs team had to beat Portland, swept the Lakers, and beat the Thunder in five on the way to that year’s NBA Finals against the first-year Heatles, who have not lost a championship since that one. You can’t accidentally end up with a championship the same way that you can’t accidentally cheat on someone. No one just falls on O’Brien trophies or penis where I’m from.

As my friend pointed out the Mavs’ path to that title, he didn’t care about the teams they had beat in the playoffs. He said, “That Heat team had only been together for one year.”

That’s when I really tried to stop listening. I really did. But then he said two things:

1. “My TV STAYS on ESPN at all times”
2. “The Lakers are coming back, man. They’ve been balling out.”

You can never trust a man or woman that comes up with their sports opinions from watching highlights of a game (only) or by listening to analysts paid to entertain you. You can’t consider yourself a student of the game if you’re only tuned into the CliffNotes version. But that’s just me.

Also, had you watched ESPN the way you say that you do, good sir, you would have seen a depleted, injured Lakers team camped out comfortably in the basement of the Western Conference. But I guess he missed their 48-point loss at home to the Clippers. TV wasn’t on that night. (His only argument at that point could have been the Lakers beating the Thunder thanks to Jodie Meeks dropping 42, but he didn’t even know about that.)

Other fun theories from Anthony Hamilton Lite: The Pacers will beat the Heat because of Andrew Bynum’s play in the playoffs this year and because LeBron James isn’t that big of a deal.

Did I mention that he brought up the 2006 NBA Finals? That’s a no-no around any Mavericks fan. 2006 didn’t happen, fam.

When I hear people like this guy (there are a ton of them on Twitter), I worry about the next generation of sports fans. We have more access to more games, more analysis, more content than ever, but what are we doing with it? Our parents and grandparents had to watch games on delay, on regular TV, without a 24-hour cycle of information and breakdowns, and I wonder now if we’re creating a bummy sports fan that can’t judge the game as he sees it. I can’t live in a world where the dedicated fans seated at high altitudes are slowly replaced by fedora wearing dudes that don’t believe in stats, records, or the difficulty of winning a championship in any professional sport league.

In other news, this diss track and accompanying music video happened this week.

And since its release, it’s been in heavy rotation over here.

In the song, rapper Lil B uses the “Brown Paper Bag” beat to brag about his game on and off of the court while challenging Kevin Durant to a game of 21. Lil B has had beef on and off with KD, and it seems to have become somewhat of an obsession recently.

A couple of notes: The video looks like it was shot at a really nice LA Fitness somewhere. The ones that have towel service, a sauna, AND a steam room.When you watch this,  at around 1:20 , you can see he has a pretty quick release. At 2:00, he also tries to show off his handles, and unfortunately, at 3:23, there’s a pretty bad airball that didn’t get edited off of the video.

And what is going on with that tank top? Is it a cut-off, tucked in, or just rolled under?

And like his inconsistent game and hooping attire, his bars leave quite a bit to be desired. He shouts out the WNBA at one point, saying “They’ve got some fine-ass girls I wanna fuck in the mouth.”


He also compares his ability to make shots beyond the arc to “Dirk Nowinski.” So there’s that.

But my god, that hook. It’s so soulful.

A championship’s not gonna shut this guy up. KD’s gotta respond with a track. Or a pickup game.