Golfer Adam Scott is competing for his third Who’s Hotter title after squeaking past Ryan Lochte and then KILLING the LA Kings’ Jeff Carter. Clearly, he is a formidable competitor. Let’s pit him against ALL 10 of the men of the recently released “ESPN Magazine” Body Issue 2013 and see if he can withstand the heat.

There is much to cover–11 hot guys’ worth–so let’s get started. For the record, here are Mr Scott’s competitors: John Wall, Colin Kaepernick, Gary Player, Chris Sharma, Giancarlo Stanton, Kenneth Faried, Joffrey Lupul, Vernon Davis, John Isner, and Matt Harvey. As always, I will never meet any of these guys, so my determination of who’s hottest is based solely on what the internet can tell me about them.

SUMMARY TALE OF THE TAPE

See the summary right here and scroll down to see the story behind the story.

Athletic Accomplishments                       Gary Player (Not even close)
Google Image Search                                 Kenneth Faried (Holy crap, baby got back)
Wikipedia                                                   Colin Kaepernick (Because of a turtle)
Twitter                                                        Vernon Davis (so much awesome instagram video)
YouTube                                                     Tie: Kenneth Faried / Chris Sharma (trust me, go watch)
Retirement Account                                  Gary Player (also not even close)

WINNER:  

With two wins apiece, it’s a tie between Player and Faried. The hometown tie-breaker goes to… 

Kenneth Faried[ref]Because if you only read the footnotes in this article, then all you’ll know is that I grew up in Morehead, KY[/ref]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Athletic Accomplishments

Adam Scott has nine wins on the PGA tour and another nine on the European tour. He also came in second in the 2012 US Open and third in the 2006 PGA. He has won only won one major, but it was the Holy Grail, the 2013 Masters.

John Wall (NBA) was the first overall pick in the 2010 NBA draft after leading his Kentucky Wildcat team to the Elite Eight in the 2010 NCAA tournament and inspiring a dance craze off of his signature flex. He’s a point guard for the Washington Wizards who has been pretty quiet since making the NBA All Rookie First Team.

Colin Kaepernick (NFL) took the world by storm in 2012, Wally Pipp-ing Alex Smith out of a job and quarterbacking the San Francisco 49ers all the way to the Super Bowl, where he lost to the Ravens. He was also an accomplished baseball player at Nevada and was even drafted by the Chicago Cubs[ref] the lesson there being that if your options are play for the Cubs or don’t play baseball? Don’t play baseball.[/ref] in the 43rd round.

Gary Player (PGA) At the age 29, Player won the 1965 U.S. Open and became the only non-American to win all four major. Player became only the third golfer in history to win the Grand Slam, following Ben Hogan and Gene Sarazen. Since then, only Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods have won the Grand Slam. And he must still be doing something athletic because he’s 77 years old and posing naked in ESPN Magazine. He’s not embarrassing himself either.

Chris Sharma has climbed a ton of mountains, I think. His highest grades: 5.15c (9b+) in Redpoint, 5.14b (8c) in On-sight and V15 (8C) in bouldering. I assume that’s all impressive?

Giancarlo Stanton (MLB) was a 2012 All Star and Home Run Derby contestant and has been a bit of a non-event ever since. It’s tough to find the spotlight when you play on the Miami Marlins.

Kenneth Faried (NBA) holds the NCAA Division 1 career record for rebounding. He was the 22nd overall pick in the 2011 draft and was a member of the 2012 All-Rookie First Team. He was also a BEAST in the 2011 NCAA Tournament, where his Cinderella Morehead State Eagles beat Louisville in the first round.[ref]Full disclosure: This whole thing is Faried’s to lose because I am a SHAMELESS homer.[/ref]

Joffrey Lupul (NHL) was the seventh overall pick in the 2002 NHL draft, going to the Anaheim Ducks, but did not make his first All-Star Team until 2012. He is injured a lot. Hmmm.

Vernon Davis (NFL) was famously immature until Mike Singletary called him out, at which point he applied himself and made it to the 2009 Pro Bowl. He was a key part of the 2012 San Francisco 49ers Super Bowl team that lost to Baltimore.

John Isner has 180 wins as a professional tennis player. He has no Grand Slam titles, although he’s been ranked as high as #9. He’s best known for surviving the longest tennis match in history vs Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon 2010. It spanned three days after being suspended for darkness twice. For the record, Isner won the match 6–4, 3–6, 6–7, 7–6, 70–68.

Matt Harvey (MLB) only made his Major League debut as a pitcher for the New York Mets a year ago in July 2012. He struck out 10 and had two hits in his debut. He was selected to the 2013 National League All Star team and has a career ERA of 2.42.

Winner: Gary Player

Hands down. No one else comes close to being at the top of their profession for as long or through as many high pressure situations as Player.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Hottest Image

Now, Scott is at a real disadvantage here. While the other ten guys definitely have ridiculous bodies, there is no doubt that there is some photoshop in play here. We’ve all seen the pictures. Faith Hill has muffin tops. So do some of these guys.[ref]None of these guys have muffin tops[/ref]

Adam Scott

adam scott

John Wall

wall

Colin Kaepernick

kaepernick

Gary Player

player

Chris Sharma

sharma

Giancarlo Stanton

stanton

Kenneth Faried

faried

Joffrey Lupul

joffrey

Vernon Davis

davis

John Isner

john isner

Matt Harvey

harvey

I am actually surprised how much the introduction of the ass changes the stakes. I can’t stop looking at those asses. Speaking of which …

Winner: Kenneth Faried

For whatever reasons, he’s got that extra oomph[ref]ass?[/ref] that made me do a double take and then triple take off what I saw upon double taking. Wow. Also? Went to Morehead State.[ref]Did I mention? I’m from Morehead.[/ref]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Wikipedia page

Wikipedia is generally just a statement of facts for athletes so the winner of this match will be won by the guy with the most interesting personal fact on their page.

Adam Scott: It seems that Wikipedia is attributing professional tennis player Ana Ivanovic’s slide down the rankings in 2010 to the fact that she was dating Scott.[ref]And who could blame her?[/ref]

John Wall’s father was in prison until he was 8 years old. Upon his release, he died of liver cancer.

Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother was 6’ 2”. When he was 10 years old, Kaepernick acquired a pet tortoise named Sammy. The tortoise since has grown to weigh 115 pounds. When he was in 4th grade, Kaepernick wrote himself a letter, predicting that he would be 6 feet 4 inches and would “then go to the pros and play on the Niners or Packers even if they aren’t good in seven years.”

Gary Player owns a thoroughbred stud farm. He has been accused of openly supporting apartheid and also branded a traitor by the South African Nationalist Government for inviting Arthur Ashe and Lee Elder to play sport in country.

Chris Sharma’s middle name is Omprakash. That is all.

Giancarlo Stanton was known until 2013 as “Mike” Stanton. He decided to go by Giancarlo when the Marlins were looking to increase their popularity to the Hispanic community in Miami.

Kenneth Faried is a Muslim and his mother has been married to another woman since 2007.

Joffrey Lupul is the worst King to ever rule Westeros. Seriously, there is nothing exciting about him on his Wikipedia page.

Vernon Davis is an avid curling fan and served as honorary captain of the US Curling Team at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. He is also the subject of Mike Singletary’s famous “I Want Winners” rant and credits Singletary with making him change his selfish attitude.

John Isner‘s total of 113 aces were more than any other player throughout Wimbledon in 2010 DESPITE having been eliminated in the second round. More longest match in history nuggets.

Matt Harvey is dating Victoria’s Secret model Anne V, Adam Levine’s ex.

Winner: Colin Kaepernick

Because a woman loves a man who sticks with the same tortoise for a decade.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Twitter

Scott lost the Twitter category in both of his last two contests based on the fact that he has no Twitter account. That is still the case and every single other athlete has one. We’ll see a new winner this month.

John Wall: Relentlessly positive, minimal thug.

Colin Kaepernick: This tweet has like 200 responses which include several back and forths between responders that make this a straight tweetbrawl (twawl?). But seriously Colin? Buy a Niners hat.

Gary Player: #1) At 77, he has a twitter account. #2) Gary Player tweets #3) Gary Player will TWEET YOU BACK. Impressed.

Chris Sharma: Ummmm …

Giancarlo Stanton: I’m super old, so it took a bunch of the responses in this tweet to make me realize it’s got something to do with The Rock. I just thought this was cute.

Kenneth Faried: Your daughta be gangsta.

Joffrey Lupul: #1) He looks like Boone from “Animal House” in this photo #2) Two girls lose their shit #3) I didn’t know they spoke French in Westeros!

Vernon Davis: Impressed? I mean, I guess? And for the record, this guy loves the instagram video. You can click those all day and be entertained.

John Isner: I clicked into this tweet to see the conversation, genuinely interested to know the answer to his question. So I think we know how the world feels about the Greensboro smoothie industry.

Matt Harvey: He’s no Dwayne Johnson. So who is he?

Winner: Vernon Davis

He is putting time, effort and thought into his instagram video legacy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Youtube

Adam Scott: I tried to find a straight golf clip of Scott that wasn’t boring. The best I could find was a Mercedes commercial where racing legend David Coulthard drives Scott around and they talk about Mercedes. That was boring, so here is a super dumb TMZ clip instead.

 

John Wall: Actually, Wall looks terrible in comparison to Dwight Howard in this video. Watch the first five seconds though. Wall holds his own in that first five seconds.


Colin Kaepernick: I was having a tough time choosing between this clip and the clip of Kaepernick throwing a first pitch before an SF Giants game (and clocking it at 87mph). But man, I LOVE “Sports Science.”


Gary Player: Man, he’s trying so hard to be nice to that cameraman, but dammit, that cameraman is in his line. Where he keeps his mother-in-law. 


Chris Sharma: Wow. Pretty sure Chris Sharma is scaling Optimus Prime here. 


Giancarlo Stanton: Okay, so here’s a Stanton home run that hits the scoreboard so hard, it breaks (check it at the 1:05 minute mark). That is pretty impressive.

 

Kenneth Faried: Okay, so this guys has no tattoos[ref]Well, the one.[/ref] and is remorseful when he says “Shit” at the :53 mark (in response to being told he’d just gone 19-19). Are we sure this guy is a pro athlete?

 

Joffrey Lupul: I was looking forward to finding only super boring clips of Lupul so that I could insert that scene where Tyrion Lannister slaps King Joffrey a bunch and continue my bit, but this coast-to-coast goal is pretty badass.

 

Vernon Davis: Dear God, I love “Sports Science.”

 

John Isner: Well, when your life is defined by a single accomplishment, I really can’t not show it.  Match point happens at the 3:45 mark.

 

Matt Harvey’s Curt Schilling moment. But seriously, this means he’s a crack addict or a cyborg, right? Doesn’t it?


Winner: Tie – Sharma / Faried

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Retirement Accounts

Gary Player: $200 million

Vernon Davis: $42 million

Adam Scott: $38 million

Joffrey Lupul: $26 million

John Wall: $22 million

John Isner: $4.5 million

Kenneth Faried: $4 million

Matt Harvey: $2.75 million $500,000 salary / $2.25 bonus

Giancarlo Stanton: $1.5 million

Colin Kaepernick: $1 million

Chris Sharma: No information available on the web

Winner: Gary Player

And again, no one is close. On the other hand, he’s got 50 years on all of them.