It’s going to be a rough year, you guys. The first presidential primaries start in February, but California doesn’t even vote until June (click here for the tentative schedule). That means we’d normally have six months of stump speeches and attack ads in store, which would be bad enough. But there are SEVENTEEN CANDIDATES currently vying for the Republican nomination, ensuring that the debates will be more vicious and cruel than usual, as candidates laser focus on the opportunity to land at least one death blow with each talking point. Let’s drink to celebrate the carnage.

August 6th, Cleveland

There are so many candidates in the Cleveland debate that Fox News won’t even include several of the Fox-iest candidates (like the Rick brothers, Santorum and Perry) in their prime time debate at 9:00 p.m. tonight. Fox limited their debate field to ten candidates, and narrowed it by choosing the ten who are currently polling the best nationally. Fear not though, Fox added a second debate at 5:00 p.m. tonight for the junior varsity candidates, so we can have FOUR full hours of rhetoric, intimidation and posturing instead of two.

The field includes:

5:00 p.m. — Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Carly Fiorina, George Pataki, someone named Graham and someone named Gilmore.

9:00 p.m. — Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, and John Kasich.

The Drinking Game

Drink once when any of any of the following things happens:

  • A candidate interrupts another candidate (drink twice if they interrupt with a transparent sense of contempt)
  • A candidate tells the story of an ordinary citizen whose lives are being crushed by liberal policies
  • A moderator steers a candidate back to their original question
  • A candidate includes their spouse in a sentiment (“Janet and I are praying for …”)
  • A candidate laughs contemptuously as another candidate answers a question
  • A moderator corrects a candidate on a matter of fact that they just got wrong
  • A candidate declines to answer a question so that they can respond to something someone else said
  • A candidate is cut off because they went over their time
  • You get the sense that all the traditional political candidates are ganging up on Trump
  • A candidate refers to their home state
  • Any of the following words or phrases are spoken
    • “Small(er) government”
    • “Obamacare”
    • “Flat tax”
    • “Bootstraps”
    • “Founding fathers”
    • “Second Amendment / Second Amendment rights”
    • “Six and a half years of … [insert whatever they’re blaming Obama for]”
    • “Wishful thinking”
    • “Ronald Reagan”
    • “I’ll have to get back to you on that”

SOCIAL: Everyone in the room has to chug what’s left in their glass if:

  • Donald Trump says “You’re fired.”
  • Another candidate looks at Trump and says “You’re fired.”