The first Republican debate of the 2016 Presidential Election is taking place this Thursday in Cleveland. Here’s the thing though: only 10 candidates will actually make it to the prime time debate (the others will do a tight 60 at 5:00 p.m). There are currently 17 Republicans who swear they are running for election. That means we have to narrow down the field, and what better way to do that than with that great American innovation: Tinder. Here are Tinder profiles for all the candidates, along with a recommendation on which way to swipe.
Last active: Over a week ago
Hey! My friends on Wall Street say that I’m a really great guy, and I should run for office. I have a great family that is really supportive and fun. I mostly like staying quiet, and spending romantic evenings at fundraisers. Why take a chance on someone else when you can have me and another war in Iraq?
Swipe right, but it’s just because you’re going to be tired of swiping left.
Last active: Monday, talking about #BlackLivesMatter
I bet you are kind of unfamiliar with me, but that doesn’t make me any less of a great match. I came from humble roots to become a pediatric neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins. I was the head of the department, even. I’m not a slimy politician, baby. I’m just a regular genius neurosurgeon who really, really, reallyreallyreally hates Obamacare. And I think that’s enough to run on.
Swipe left. Especially if you think ISIS has little in common with the U.S. Founding Fathers.
Last active: 18 hours ago, talking about the rhythm method
GTL, baybee: Governors Take Lots. You might have seen me a while back in a slightly damp fleece, killing it on SNL. That’s the first thing you think of and certainly not that bridge scandal. But I am really much deeper than that: I love taking money from the state of New Jersey’s teachers or Hurricane Sandy relief funds to spend on my campaign or sweet vacas. You like Florida, baby? We’ll go to Florida during one of New Jersey’s worst storms.
Swipe left. Swipe left. Hard.
Last active: now
This is real:
Last active: Monday, encouraging a government shut down to defund Planned Parenthood
Girl, what up? I’m a girl! I was head of Hewlett Packard! My only political experience is losing to Barbara Boxer in 2010! But I’m still much more appealing than Sarah Palin! For real though: I will keep you entertained with my amazing Monty Python-inspired attack ads.
Swipe right. It’s not going to work out, but we’ll have fun.
Last active: Monday, throwing Monica Lewinsky shade at Hillary Clinton
Yo, me and my bro John McCain are mostly middle of the road guys, but we GO HARD on foreign policy. You wanna run hard on foreign policy? Get with the Graham party. I am legitimately 100% single and promise to have a rotating First Lady if I win.
Swipe right. Why not?
Last active: Monday, talking about how disgusting it is the Senate didn’t defund Planned Parenthood
Takin’ a break from hostin’ Fox News to focus on what I really love: running for president. But I never stop preachin’. I love supporting the Duggars, but hate Beyonce and gay marriage. Let’s have some fun together!
Last active: Monday, cutting Medicaid off from Planned Parenthood
‘Sup. Have you ever wanted a Rhodes scholar to run your country? (other than Bill Clinton, of course.) Then look no further. If you like social conservatism and maybe the occasional exorcism, take a chance on me.
Last active: Over two weeks ago
Full-time Ohio governor, part-time time blue collar advocate. I hate The Roots, “Fargo,” and a bunch of other cool things, but if you don’t like that, I don’t care. “I’ll go play more golf.”
Swipe right. This guy seems like the most fun kind of curmudgeon.
Last active: Monday, expressing relief and gratitude that Donald Trump is running
I’ve said I’m running, but I’m not really sure if I actually am, especially now that Bristol is pregnant out of wedlock again?
Swipe left. Swipe left so hard the force sends her to Russia.
Last active: Over two weeks ago
Unrelated editorial from Mel instead of a Tinder 140 character profile: I grew up in New Jersey, so George Pataki was in the news a lot as governor of New York. My friends and I would use “Pataki” as a substitute swear word in high school. That is the most interesting thing about him.
Swipe left. Don’t be a little Pataki about it.
Last active: Monday, getting all crossed up about what is being defunded
I’m wild! I’m crazy! I will let you do whatever drugs you want! The Tea Party loves me! My dad was also good at politics as a Libertarian, but I am swerving away from the base he built! I’m a Senator from Kentucky! Pew pew! Pew pew!
Swipe right. He’ll stick around.
Last active: this past weekend, chattin’ about immigration
I ran in 2012! Remember how I promised to get rid of three agencies of government when I was elected? Commerce, education, and…uh. Umm. What was the third one? Uh. Hrmm. Umm. I should get more sleep.
Last active: ?
You might remember me from my State of the Union response and admire how well-hydrated I am. Er’rybody loves me – Republicans, Libertarians, and conservative Republicans. I bet you’ll love me too.
Last active: Today, needing money
You know I got thisclose to the nomination in 2012, but just missed out. This time around I’ve been laying low so I don’t do anything embarrassing so hopefully I can go all. The. Way.
I don’t know, swipe right. Someone has to run here.
Last active: He’s yelling on the internet right now
I’M RICH AND NOT BANKRUPT! I HATE MEXICANS AND WANT TO PUT A WALL UP! PLEASE DON’T CHECK INTO THE RECORDS TO SEE HOW MANY UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS MY ENORMOUS (BANKRUPT) CASINO AND HOSPITALITY EMPIRE EMPLOYS. YOU’RE FIRED!
Report account for offensive language.
Last active: Monday, taking pictures with a giant fake check from the Koch brothers at a Mexican restaurant with clever, clever political enemies
Likes: running the state of Wisconsin, keeping down the teachers union, rolling with my bros the Koch bros. Dislikes: recall elections, teachers unions, dogs, dawg
Swipe left, but America will probably swipe right.