Bro, what if auld acquaintance should be forgot and never brought to mind? That’d be bullshit, bro. Let the happenings of 2015 inform and educate your 2016 Brosolutions. Seriously, shit went down this year. Let’s brosolve never to have any of it happen again in 2016.
Give up Dominos pizza
Hey, if it was ultimately the undoing of “affluenza” teen Ethan Couch, maybe it’s bad news for you too. Better take your talents to Papa John’s (or not, after he threatened to hike prices to compensate for giving his employees insurance. Thanks, Obama!) or Little Caesar’s.
Keep Al Jazeera away from your “wife’s” HGH habits
If your “wife” wants to bulk up and recover from injuries incurred in what is arguably one of the most punishing professions in the world, then it is your “wife’s” business if she uses HGH or not. Sure, the NFL may not allow it, but your “wife” doesn’t work for the NFL, now does she? The important thing here is medical records are confidential, even when you are getting HGH off the record from shady doctors, and Al Jazeera has no right to come after your “wife” for her private medical needs.
If the Army thinks crunches are stupid, then dammit, so do I.
Run for President
Chances are, you’re 100% more intelligent, logical, collected, and reasonable than all of the Republican candidates, and you probably have more political experience from your college student government than they do too. There’s still time to throw your hat in!
Don’t kill your fiancée’s sister’s boyfriend
You’ll go to jail, even if you played for the Patriots.
Also, stop wearing microphones to the can, lest you confess to murder on a hot mic.
Start your spec script for “True Detective” Season 3
Bro, you know you can write a more interesting and compelling regional mystery than Nic Pizzalotto / Lotsapizza. You don’t even need to work hard. You can do it in between puking up your New Year’s Eve party.
Don’t leave your drink unattended around Bill Cosby.
Better safe than sorry.
Everyone wants what Poe and Finn have, and now that gay marriage is legal, you can have it.
Fill up your balls
You’ll get a two game suspension unless you’re Tom Brady, so make sure those balls are full, because Bro, you’re no Tom Brady. Also, balls balls balls. Balls.
Pick up a new hobby
Hoverboards are cool and fun if you want to look like an idiot, go to the hospital for frequent falls, and possibly have it explode beneath you. You can also try adult coloring books, which seem safer.
Get a better job
I personally recommend either looking into
- DraftKings and / or FanDuel
- Golden State Warriors
- Becoming a Doof Warrior, or
- Joining the US Women’s Soccer team (they sadly have a few openings)
Bro, 2016 is your year.