Okay. After reading my first post on creating an online profile that makes you seem normal, you’ve written your profile. Now women might be reaching out to you, winking or sending messages. Woohoo!

BROS … DON’T SCREW THIS UP.

Prologue: If you’re just looking to get laid, use the proper channels! Blendr is a co-ed version of Grindr and there are almost 200 million users. Go have sex with one of them. Easily. Craigslist personals. They are blatant sex requests. Just pick one up and go bang it out. My God, there is a website called HornyMatches.com. You can’t guarantee the quality of people on there, but you’re the one trolling for easy pussy online. I said it. If you want a relationship, keep reading.

The Three Steps To Not Fucking Up Your Chances When You Contact A Woman Online

1.    Read her profile so you can write something intelligent,
2.    get rid of the sexy talk, and
3.    suggest a normal date.

STEP 1: Read her whole profile. Then message her. But first, read her whole profile. Also? Read her whole profile.

Assuming you’re not just using a dating website as a poor substitute for online porn, read her whole profile. Yes, look at the pictures. Yes, let her physicality attract you. Then read the whole profile.

If you do not read her profile, then I have no sympathy for you if suddenly you find yourself ass-deep in an email exchange with a conspiracy-theory nutjob (unless that’s your major turn-on). The clues are absolutely there in the profile. Religious views and intensity of faith, political affiliation, if this woman can read and write, you’ll know – because it’s all there in the profile.

Take a look see and then if she seems normal, and like someone you’d actually meet up with to see if you’d want to go on a second date with … then find something in the profile to be the focus of your message.

A. DON’T just say “hi”.

This is why you took the time to sift through all those things she couldn’t live without or what interests she had when you read her profile. Stand out from the crowd. Ask about her trip overseas that she mentioned. If you have a connection with her alma mater, even if you’re a rival, bring it up. If there is something you want to know, ask it.

B. DON’T interrogate, especially about all women in general.

I had a message exchange with a guy who interrogated me about why I didn’t write back right away. I hadn’t been on the site for a few days and he pulled the ripcord and told me that he wasn’t going to write anymore since I clearly wasn’t interested … at which point, I clearly wasn’t. But he asked about a thousand questions as to why I didn’t respond right away, when I could get together (could it be this day or this day, this time or this time), why women write certain things in their profiles when they clearly mean something else and repeatedly if I was still interested. He earned the nickname Crazy Pete.

C. DO take your balls out of your purse.

Winking, poking, favorite-ing is for pussies. Sack up and write her a message. So what if she doesn’t respond? You don’t know her anyway. This online dating thing is about as removed from the human dating experience as it can be. So what if she responds and then you decide her crazy train has already left the station? You don’t have to tell her you’re worried she’ll boil your neighbor’s pet rabbit. Just communicate that it isn’t going any further. You can always block her if she is a straight up psycho.[ref]Dead horse alert: if you’ve read her profile first … you will already have a feel for that … and I hope you wouldn’t have messaged her in the first place.[/ref]

STEP 2: Get rid of the sexy talk.

If you’re looking for a cheap way to have phone sex or sexting or getting a girl to send you dirty pictures for free, let me say this with the deepest amount of compassion and love for bros that I can muster: Stop being so cheap. Go pay for it from a woman who does that shit for a job.

Somewhere, there is a woman working her way through law school, putting bread on the table for her family, and saving money to buy her dream home by doing online porn or working a phone sex line. From a purely economical standpoint, what a waste for men to be asking for unpaid, unskilled labor from unwilling participants when they could get the real deal if they just shelled out some skrilla.

A. DON’T say anything you wouldn’t say in person if a living, breathing female were standing in front of you.

I know, I know. You get a few beers in you and you’re ready to say the following to any female who will listen:

  • I’m not into one night stands or one time flings but something more lasting. I an one of those rare guys who puts a woman’s pleasure before mine.
  • I am not bizarre (in a bad way) or full of shit. I am also very nice, and a gentleman. I have a girlfriend, but I am not married. I think I am pretty cool and worth getting to know
  • marry me
  • wanna taste one another?
  • you have very beautiful etes can i be yo baby daddy
  • nice boobs lol
  • I’m a whore that sells what remains of my coal-blackand withered soul for a pittance to help pay for the booze that numbs me to the disgust of my existence.
  • I liked your profile. You seem very thoughtful and playful. :] *Kisses your cheek and hides*
  • I would really love to have my dick sucked, oh please let me know if you’re willing to, it’s perfect and hard

These are literally all cut and pasted from my various and sundry online dating inboxes. Gross? Or sexy? GROSS. If you’re honestly contemplating saying something like these messages, hit yourself in the head for me. If you find you have trouble not writing things like this, stop online dating while drunk. Send a few messages at work, when you’re less likely to be drunk. If you’re drunk at work, get help.

B.    DO write like yourself.

Again, if you’re looking for a hookup, there are easier ways than completing an online dating profile and wading through the masses. But something tells me you’re not just looking for that if you went through all this trouble. So be yourself. Don’t work to impress, don’t repeat stuff that’s in your profile unless she asks.[ref]I once had a guy “ding” me while messaging back and forth because I asked him something that “was already covered in his profile” and so he no longer wanted to interact with me. Give a lady a break. I haven’t written a how-to guide for gals yet.[/ref]

Just imagine she were in front of you at a work function. That should keep your language kosher and ask something you want to know about her. Or politely compliment her. Tell her a little something about you (maybe that isn’t in your profile) and then ask her a question. You know, like a freaking conversation.

Be your witty self without insults or smarm. Remember that there is a shitstorm of rude coming her way in her inbox, so you can either 1) compliment her nice boobs to get sucked into that tidal wave of gross, or 2) differentiate yourself by being a gentleman. That doesn’t mean you have to always be a gentleman. But leave something to the imagination. Please bros, don’t be the Miley Cyrus of online dating messages.

C.    If you take it offline … still be cool, bro.

If you guys start texting instead of online messaging, be cool! She’s given you her cell number. Don’t ruin it. This is a very, very good sign. The second you ask her for a dirty pic, you have ruined it. Let her initiate that.[ref]Seriously? What is it with guys now collecting dirty pics of women? And who are these idiot girls sending it to them? Has no one heard of revengeporn.com?[/ref]

STEP 3: When it’s going well, suggest a normal date.

Again, we’re working under these assumptions:

  1. You don’t just want a hookup because there are easier ways to achieve this other than maintaining an online dating profile
  2. You aren’t looking to rape or sell anyone into sexual slavery

Cool. We’re all on the same page, right?

So now you want to suggest a first date. Awesome, Bro!

DON’T FUCK IT UP.

If you’re really looking to date a woman, then understand these four things from a woman’s perspective when considering a first date at either of your private residences:

  • Every woman knows someone who has been raped. Literally. Every. Woman. One out of five American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. I have more than five friends, so I know victims.
  • It takes a lot for us to feel safe with someone new, because we probably knew/know/will know our rapist. Of female rape or sexual assault victims in 2010, twenty-five percent were assaulted by a stranger, forty-eight percent by friends or acquaintances, and seventeen percent were intimate partners. So even if we know somebody, we have to trust them to feel safe.
  • It happens all the time. Like every two minutes. Literally. Every two minutes (on average) in America someone is raped. By the time you’re reading this post, someone will have been raped. Maybe two, depending on how fast you read. Or three, if your fantasy football team needs tending to.
  • Nighttime dates are playing the odds. Forty-three percent of rapes take place between 6 p.m. and midnight and thirty-three percent of rapists are intoxicated with alcohol.[ref]When I say “date”, you say “rape”! Date… Hey, where’d you guys go? Statistics from www.rainn.org. It’s depressing. [/ref]

Did I just bring you down, Bro? Don’t get sad, and don’t get defensive. You’re not a rapist for suggesting a first date at your house. But as a female who has had anti-rape messaging pounded into my head since I was in middle school, a suggestion of a first date at an unfamiliar guy’s house sends warning bells and flashing neon signs and … you get it.

A. DO pick a public place.

Coffee shop? Bar? Restaurant? Public park during daylight hours? Sidewalk café? Daytime lakefront stroll? Bookstore? Museum? Ice cream shop? Comedy club? Tourist attraction? There are thousands of suggestions that you can come up with that are public and safe and NORMAL for a first date.

Asking me to cuddle at your house and coming over to my house are not normal first date suggestions.

B. DO give yourselves the out if you need it.

Don’t plan an epic date that will last three hours because three minutes in, you might decide you can’t stand her screechy laugh. And likewise, give her the comfort of knowing that she won’t have to make tracks in case you give her the Ted Bundy Jitters. Plan for a drink, and then if you want, you can suggest dinner or a movie. Meet up for a walk, and then have part two on deck if you want to spend more time with her. It’s good for you too, bro. She knows you have an out and she needs to be on her best behavior as well.

C. DO let her choose if you’re out of ideas.

Just ask her: where would you like to go? Tip: don’t do this at the moment you meet up with her. Ask what she’d like to do ahead of time, gently press when she gives you the obligatory “whatever you want sounds great” and then make it happen for her. Movie? Buy your tickets in advance and pick great seats if you can. Dinner? Make sure you get a reservation. Suit up, show up and share yourself. The whole point of this date is to see if there is a connection. If there isn’t, don’t make an Irish Goodbye, but instead just file this lady away for a friend who might be a perfect fit. Everyone needs friends, and remember – she might have the perfect lady friend for you, dude.[ref]We don’t set our friends up with douchebags who tell us they will call and then don’t. Or who pull an Irish Goodbye/French Exit/Ghosting.[/ref]

Now go out there and crush ass.

Wait. Dammit! I just ruined it, didn’t I?