The love story of our time that started with a prince seeing a super hottie model in a sheer dress at a college fashion show culminated this Monday with the birth of a brand new prince. Or, really, the love story culminated in the huge royal wedding they had in 2011, but this is kind of where the Disney sequel starts up. The point is, there is a brand new royal baby, and most ladies are excited about it. Why? A guy I know seemed disgusted when I mentioned the impending birth of the Royal Baby, and said, “You don’t know these people. They have no impact on your life.” But wait, I argued, there is still a certain glamor and tradition to royalty, and babies are cute once they get past the newborn worm-ish look, and I can like whatever I want to like, OK?
Point being: Now that all your female friends have gotten all their white smoke from Buckingham Palace, you can get pretty far with impressing a lady if you can speak with authority/without judgment on the most powerful British baby since the Boy Who Lived. So:
A Bro’s Guide to the Royal Baby (So Far)
Quick synopsis: Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, had Prince William’s baby boy. That’s pretty much it.
Fun Fact: So Kate, whose title is Duchess of Cambridge, because she’s not allowed to be a princess yet, started labor (or “labour,” as they call it in England) around 7:30 a.m. on Monday July 22 British time while we were all nestled snug in our beds. She and Prince William rolled into the hospital and no reporters were there. They were all asleep. After all the hoopla on Friday with misreports of helicopters flying her in from her parents’ home, only one photographer managed to get the shot of the Royals entering the hospital through the same door Diana entered to give birth to William in 1982 (Cue: “Candle in the Wind” [Princess Diana version]). Crowds gathered quickly and waited through the day. She delivered a boy at 4:24 p.m. British time.
Lady boner points: Let her know you would have waited patiently with her in the crowd outside the hospital.
Super lady boner points: Mention that Ryan Gosling joined the crowd waiting outside the hospital. Because he is everywhere and nowhere at once.
Impress your friends: The announcement of the baby’s name is made separately from the birth announcement–Prince Harry’s name was announced upon his parents’ appearance on the hospital steps, but Prince William’s name wasn’t announced till a full week after they left the hospital.
Lady boner points: Inform her that Queen Elizabeth technically got first dibs on knowing the baby was officially royally born. The public is supposed to know after the doctors send a messenger with the baby’s stats to the Queen, who technically then announced it to the Prime Minister and Commonwealth governors (and, like, the family, I guess), and then this message is posted on an easel outside Buckingham Palace for all to see.
Super lady boner points: Let her know that once Prince William made a statement following the official birth announcement, there were 41 rounds of gun salutes by the Troop Royal Horse Artillery and 62 rounds by the Honorable Artillery Company at the Tower of London, and the whole nation rose up in singing Taylor Swift’s “Today Was a Fairytale” and all the wizards came out of all the phone booths to set off fireworks and shooting stars just like they did when baby Harry Potter defeated Voldemort the first time. (Probably. Some speculation there.)
Impress your friends: Let them know the baby’s official title is His Royal Highness Prince [Baby Name Here] of Cambridge.
Lady boner points: Point out that titled royal babies do not have surnames. For real. Prince William and Prince Harry have used “Wales” on their school rosters and things like that, but they technically don’t have a last name.
Super lady boner points: William Wales.
Impress your friends: Mention this baby had equal right to the throne even if he had been born a girl–but if the 15 Commonwealth countries that the British monarch is sovereign over haven’t passed the new primogeniture updates into law yet. So if somehow this hadn’t been passed into law by the time the crown passed from Prince Charles to Prince William to Prince Baby, there was a possibility of a dual monarch. This is all, of course, a null prospect now, but it was exciting to think about a girl inheriting the throne.
Lady boner points: Inform her the baby is also in line to inherit almost a billion dollars – most of it coming from Queen Elizabeth’s $600 million dollars in stocks and properties.
Super lady boner points: Mention it would have been really cool if it had been a girl that was now third in line for the throne, but all babies are still cute. (Trust me.)
Go forth and impress! And congratulate Kate and Wills on Twitter while you’re at it.