If you’ve been entirely too busy to watch all the drama that has unfolded over the past two weeks, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Week 33 and 34 are all bundled here to create not only the largest recap we’ve ever done, but a balling mixtape that you won’t want to miss.
I spent a lot of time wondering what kind of theme would best suit such an expansive recap. My conclusion is One-Hit Wonders over the last 70 years. Re-live these little nuggets that flew too high and then crashed and burned here.
West Ham 3, Arsenal 3; Runaround by The Three Chuckles
Andy Carroll, £6.3, 16 points
Alex Iwobi, £4.6, 10 points
Woah, insomnia, thanks for keeping me up for this bad boy! I thought it would be just another boring Arsenal match, but it was fantastic. Six goals made the extra early morning a lot more worth it. Andy Carroll’s sweet hat trick that spanned something like seven minutes, between halves, stunned Arsenal who found themselves a goal behind after being two ahead. Laurent Koscielny, £6.2, ensured the points were split. Alexis Sánchez, £11.0, and Mesut Özil, £9.6, were the other two goalscorers for the Gunners.
Aston Villa 1, Bournemouth 2; At My Front Door by The El Dorados
Steve Cook, £4.3, 10 points
Jordan Ayew, £5.4, 8 points
Well it’s confirmed now, Aston Villa are relegated. They never quite recovered from that comeback by Leicester to win 3-2 in my opinion, but to be fair, they were shit before that. Steve Cook and Josh King, £4.3, gave the Cherries a comfortable two-nil lead before Ayew managed to get one back, ruining my hopes of a clean sheet. Oh well, have fun in the Championship, Villa.
Crystal Palace 1, Norwich 0; Chapel Of Dreams by The Dubs
Joel Ward, £4.3, 12 points
Wayne Hennessey, £4.2, 9 points
Jason Puncheon, £5.5, scored a huge goal for Palace, thanks to an assist from Joel Ward, that sent them closer to safety. Norwich looked prime to let someone else drop, but things have not played out well since their mammoth win over Newcastle a few weeks back. Hennessey made four saves, and for his efforts, got some bonus points hence the top performers spot.
Southampton 3, Newcastle 1; Morning After by The Mar-Keys
Graziano Pellè, £7.9, 12 points
Shane Long, £5.7, 10 points
Victor Wanyama, £4.2, stopped getting red cards for two seconds and found the back of the net in this one! He stood along side goalscorers Shane Long and Graziano Pellè. Andros Townsend, £5.7, is working to repay the faith of the team that bought him in the January transfer window, and is in a bit of goal-scoring form now. Will it be enough to see Newcastle to safety?
Swansea 1, Chelsea 0; Bongo Stomp by Little Joey and The Flips
Gylfi Sigurdsson, £7.2, 11 points
Federico Fernández, £4.8, 8 points
It was the Gylfi show in a match that was largely dominated by yellow cards – nine to be precise. Who officiated this? Jon Moss? The Swans also put a stop to Chelsea’s double-digit unbeaten streak.
Watford 1, Everton 1; I Was Kaiser Bill’s Batman by Whistling Jack Smith
Josè Holebas, £4.0, 10 points
James McCarthy, £4.6, 9 points
Everton managed to work out a rare point in the league in this one-one draw with Watford. Holebas found the net after he was set up by Ben Watson, £4.3. McCarthy’s solo effort pretty much sums up the highlights for Everton. On the other hand, Huerelho Gomes, £5.0, made six saves. Well done, sir.
Man City 2, West Bromwich Albion 1; Hold Your Head Up by Argent
Sergio Agüero, £13.5, 9 points
Samir Nasri, £6.7, 9 points
Umm…We need to talk about Samir Nasri’s hair. Frosted tips haven’t been in since N’SYNC. But France is a leader in the fashion world…so maybe he’s ahead of the game? Anyway, him and Sergio saw City keep up the fight for Champions League against hated rivals United. Stéphane Sessegnon, £5.1, scored his second goal of the season to ruin the day for those who captained anyone on the City defense.
Sunderland 0, Leicester City 2; This Heart by Gene Redding
Jamie Vardy, £7.7, 13 points
Danny Drinkwater, £4.8, 8 points
A double dose of Jamie Vardy in the second half was enough to see off a Sunderland squad still squatting in a relegation spot. They were typical Vardy goals and were just what my title hopeful Foxes (can’t believe I’ve just typed that) were looking for.
Liverpool 4, Stoke 1; Emotion by Samantha Sang
Divock Origi, £5.4, 12 points
James Milner, £6.5, 10 points
Stoke’s attempt to become the Barcelona of England has finally come true. They’re both in a super slump of form. I mean, Divock Origi brace?! Come on, son.
Tottenham 3, Man United 0; Oh Well by The Rockets
Toby Alderweireld, £6.4, 15 points
Erik Lamela, £6.8, 13 points
Like, no longer than two minutes after the teenage Timothy Fosu-Mensah, £3.9, went off the field, United’s defense went to shit. Toby, Erik, and Dele Alli, £6.2, all scored within the span of how long it would take LVG to begin and end a post-match interview.
Crystal Palace 0, Everton 0; Cars by Gary Numan
Joel Robles, £4.3, 11 points
Wayne Hennessey, £4.2, 9 points
Both ‘keepers combined for 11 saves. I can’t sum it up any better than that.
Norwich 0, Sunderland 3; Pac-Man Fever by Buckner & Garcia
Fabio Borini, £5.4, 12 points
Vito Mannone, £4.3, 10 points
It is amazing Fabio Borini was able to find the net ever again after some truly awful takes against Leicester the previous week. Jermain Defoe, £5.2, scored his 13th of the season while Duncan Watmore, £4.1, was also on the score sheet. This match was going to be a huge factor in whether Norwich could see themselves to safety, and just proved nothing is ever guaranteed in the Premier League.
Everton 1, Southampton 1; Chariots Of Fire by Vangelis
Sadio Mané, £7.3, 10 points
Ramiro Funes Mori, £5.5, 10 points
Our top performers made sure the spoils were shared on the day. It was also another step towards Roberto Martinez’s eventual sacking come season’s end. How funny would it be to see him at Villa next year?
Man United 1, Aston Villa 0; Mickey by Toni Basil
Antonio Valencia, £5.0, 12 points
Marcus Rashford, £4.6, 8 points
Speaking of Villa, they lost again. And even on a day where United did practically nothing offensively. Rashford was the goalscorer, Valencia the assist man.
Newcastle 3, Swansea 0; Groove Is In The Heart by Deee-Lite
Jamaal Lascelles, £4.2, 14 points
Andros Townsend, £5.7, 14 points
What a week this turned out to be for the Magpies. Thrashed the Swans and then took City to the brink. Getting ahead of myself a bit, two goals from the men up top, plus a third from Moussa Sissoko, £5.6, closed the gap on what will be a very tight finish to see who gets relegated come the final week of the season.
West Bromwich Albion 0, Watford 1; Rump Shaker by Wreckx-N-Effect
Heurelho Gomes, £5.0, 19 points
Ben Watson, £4.3, 10 points
West Brom have 40 points, so Tony Pulis gives zero f****. Ben Watson had another fine day, but not as fine as Gomes. He stepped up and stopped two penalties. Hopefully that will motivate the Hornets to go out and stuff the shit out of Spurs. But probably not. Although what a great audition for Saido Berahino, £5.8, to go out and score a hat trick in a win against the club he so wanted to join.
Chelsea 0, Man City 3; I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers
Sergio Agüero, £13.5, 17 points
Nicolás Otamendi, £6.5, 7 points
Uhhhh, Chelsea, you know the season is still going right? Conte’s not there yet. Sergio cruised to a hat trick in London as he and his Citizens ripped apart Guus Hiddink’s men pass by pass. I kind of hope Mourinho is somewhere in the Premier League next season. How fun it would be to see Conte, Pep, Mourinho, Pochettino, and Ranieri duking it out for Champion’s League spots?
Bournemouth 1, Liverpool 2; Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
Daniel Sturridge, £10.0, 12 points
Roberto Firmino, £8.2, 11 points
Klopp’s side is surfin’ USA at the moment, riding the van like a Teen Wolf, scoring goals all willy-nilly. Sturridge has found a nice bit of form, while Firmino has just stepped up since Klopp arrived. Joshua King, £4.3, scored once again for his Cherries, but it wasn’t enough to see honors split.
Leicester 2, West Ham 2; Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65
Leonardo Ulloa, £5.2, 8 points
Aaron Cresswell, £5.7, 8 points
F*** Jon Moss.
Arsenal 1, Crystal Palace 1; Ride Wit Me by Nelly
Yannick Bolasie, £6.0, 10 points
Alexis Sánchez, £11.0, 9 points
The ol’ Arsenal choke at its finest. They aren’t used to chasing Spurs and need to be careful if they want to hold on to their coveted third place spot at the moment. Alexis kicked off the goal scoring, but Bolasie proved how crucial he is to Palace, and how close his injury came to derailing their season.
Stoke 0, Tottenham 4; Lean Back by Terror Squad
Dele Alli, £6.2, 15 points
Harry Kane, £10.3, 13 points
Stoke could have at least showed up. Maybe even gone through the motions. Shay Given, £4.3, really? Really?! He ruined FIFA for me in high school, and he’s coming back to haunt me in adult hood. Why Shay, why?!
Newcastle 1, Man City 1; Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
Sergio Agüero, £13.5, 9 points
Vurnon Anita, £4.2, 8 points
Sergio scored again, so there’s that. In case you hadn’t ever heard of Vurnon Anita, that is okay. He’s played over 1800 minutes and only has one goal, two assists, and five clean sheets to his name. But helluva time to score your first goal of the season.
West Ham 3, Watford 1; Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People
Mark Noble, £5.4, 15 points
Adrián, £5.1, 9 points
An Adrián penalty save, and two scored by Mark Noble made all the difference in this match. Andy Carroll, £6.3, added another tally on the season, while Sebastian Prödl, £4.2, was the lone goalscorer for Watford. Troy Deeney, £5.2, also missed his first penalty of the season.
Liverpool 4, Everton 0; No Hands by Waka Flocka Flame
Mamadou Sakho, £4.7, 14 points
James Milner, £6.6, 11 points
When Mamadou Sakho is your top player in the Merseyside derby, it’s time to turn your tv off, fly to Liverpool, and try out for the Reds. I mean, come on, Mamadou Sakho?! James Milner, in my opinion, is the heart and soul of Liverpool. He leads that team without the limelight.
Man United 2, Crystal Palace 0; We Run The Night by Havana Brown
Matteo Darmian, £5.4, 17 points
Antonio Valencia, £5.0, 8 points
A Darmian goal, and a Damien Delaney, £4.3, own goal sunk a resurgent Palace. This win put United two points out from fourth place.
Arsenal 2, West Bromwich Albion 0; Get Lucky by Daft Punk
Alexis Sánchez, £11.0, 16 points
Aaron Ramsey, £7.8, 11 points
Aaron to Alexis. Aaron to Alexis. Bang, bang, two nil Gunners.
Fraser Forster, £5.0, should buy everyone a Honda Civic if he doesn’t keep a clean sheet against Aston Villa. Shame Villa suspended Gabby Agbonlahor for laughing gas. It would have been fun to see him score six and laugh his porn ‘stache off high as a kite.
Aleksandar Kolarov, £5.9, is my wildcard pickup of the week. He’s scored 17 points over the past three weeks, so, why the hell not?
I’d get midfielder Roberto Firmino, £8.2, into your squad stat. He plays Newcastle, Swansea, and Watford over his next three games.
Danny Welbeck, £7.4, against Sunderland! He’s sure to bag a brace!
Seven matches this week, let’s see if Stephen can go 7 for 7!
Manchester City 2, Stoke 0
Even with a looming Champions League date on the calender, you’ve got to like City they way they’re currently playing. Stoke have sort of packed it in and City need to keep playing the A-listers to ensure they get back to the Champions League next fall.
Aston Villa 0, Southampton 3
Aston Villa officially have nothing to play for. Blouses.
Bournemouth 2, Chelsea 0
Chelsea have to go to the south coast and appear to have packed it in already? 3 points for the Cherries, please.
Liverpool 1, Newcastle 0
Rafa’s got them playing better on Tyneside, but I think Liverpool may just be a little too much.
Sunderland 1, Arsenal 3
Sunderland are in a similar boat to Newcastle, but Arsenal’s title hopes aren’t dead yet and I see at least one more inspired performance out of Arsene’s men.
Leicester 0, Swansea 0
It will be curious to see what two counter-attacking teams come up with especially as Leicester are just trying to accumulate points and get to the end here. I don’t think losing Jamie Vardy is going to be as big of an absence as many do, but I also don’t see this fixture lending itself to many goals.
Spurs 3, West Brom 0
As Matt said above, Tony Pulis has kept West Brom up and he is probably already on a beach in Tenerife mentally.