Of course we are angry at Ray Rice. We are enraged at Ray Rice. We can’t believe that a man would punch someone he is supposed to love. We can’t believe that a man would punch anyone outside of a fair fight in a boxing ring or MMA ring or whatever ring where both men (or women) have agreed to punch each other. We know punching happens, but want to believe it ends with toddler years when we graduate to using our words and controlling our rage at not getting what we want before lashing out. We are angry that a woman was carelessly dragged like a neanderthal back to the cave while unconscious after a blow. We are angry we only know about this because it happened to be caught on a security video, and that so many moments like this are hidden because they have been made more shameful for the woman or man getting hit by someone who is supposed to love them than the one doing the hitting.

We are not angry at Janay Rice.

We are angry at the Baltimore Ravens for making a woman apologize for getting punched in the face. We are angry that the NFL only offered a two-game suspension until the public saw the elevator video in its entirety. We are angry it took a merciless tabloid throwing cash at sources to get the truth out. We are angry at the court system that allows for a man to plead “not guilty” despite the evidence to the contrary and get 12 months of intervention services to avoid trial.

We are not angry at Janay Rice.

We are angry that we live in a society that prefers to believe a wife did something to deserve being punched rather than that a man who will continue to earn $25 million dollars after his suspension from a violent sport could possibly be prone to violence in his private life. We are angry that victims of domestic abuse live in a place where they are too scared or embarrassed to get help. We are angry that abusers use manipulation and fear to make the abused believe it’s what they deserve. We are angry that our aunts and people we went to high school with post on Facebook, “And she STILL married him after that!” when so many abused women are killed when they try to leave. We are angry that 94 percent of black female murder victims were killed by someone that they knew, and that 65 percent of those murder victims were killed by their current or former partner.

We are not angry at Janay Rice.

We are angry that statements are issued by Janay Rice defending Ray Rice from the media, saying “To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass off for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels.” We are angry that Janay Rice does feel hurt, embarrassed, and unhappy thanks to a culture of victim-blaming and probably a home life (and definitely pressure from the franchise) that has left her feeling responsible for this incident. We are angry that a woman has to relive one of the worst moments of her life over and over again thanks to the media. We are angry that all the attention has probably left her more alone than before.

We are not angry at Janay Rice.

We are angry at the NFL for thinking this can be swept under the rug with a two-game suspension. We are angry because we know they saw the entire video much earlier than this week no matter what they say. We are angry because the situation is addressed in a stream of consciousness ramble by Chris Berman until a punt brings him back to the game and we all forget because football. We are angry that Fox News laughs off the situation with” should have taken the stairs jokes.” We are angry because Joe Biden is a voice of reason on the domestic violence issue, and has quietly been working on it for his years as vice president, but we don’t hear about it. We are angry that the NFL will probably not address this in any way now that there has been a full suspension for Rice. We are angry that the mental health and anger management resources offered by the NFL to its employees are seriously lacking. We are angry because Ray Rice will probably go on to play football again one day, and while we want to believe he can be changed and rehabilitated and live a healthier life, he won’t be the last football player who hits his wife. We are angry because no one is doing anything to change this. We are angry because people think the solution lies with the woman, not raising men to know better. We are angry because we don’t hear about anyone helping, not just Janay Rice but the countless women who feel helpless in these situations. We are angry that so little will happen to help make this better.

We are not angry at Janay Rice.