[pullquote]Complete Super Bowl coverage:
Let’s be frank, bros: no one is interested in the Super Bowl. The Patriots and the Seahawks? Meh. Two teams from opposite coasts that we all totally expected to get into the Super Bowl and zzzzzzzzzzz. No, no. Chances are this game is going to be totally boring. I, for one, have a set of interests separate from the game: Katy Perry’s halftime show, your seven layer taco dip, and … the commercials.
Yes! What makes us laugh and cry like a Super Bowl commercial? Super Bowl commercials may have failed to wow us last year but that doesn’t mean our hopes aren’t still high for this coming year. Remember that GD horse remembering the guy who raised him back in 2013? I am still crying. I have been crying for two full calendar years thanks to that GD loyal horse. Remember that GD Clydesdale and puppy who were best friends? Oh, Lordy Lordy. Thirty seconds of airtime costs $4.5 million so they’d better make me cry real hard.
Let’s get pumped with a preview of what we can anticipate on Sunday with a bro’s guide to the commercials we’re looking forward to on Sunday!
Stick with the date that brought ya
Carl’s Jr. is striking into new territory for their advertising by featuring an underweight blonde model Charlotte McKinney in a bikini eating an “au natural” burger. WHERE DID THEY THINK OF SUCH A THING? Certainly not from their long line of commercials featuring underweight blondes eating sloppy burgers? The commercial is regional, though, so some of you will have to check it out online if you want to watch a model eat.
Terry Crews has a new Old Spice commercial in which he marries himself in drag. Yes, it’s a hack bit, but I could watch Terry Crews do anything (even “Brooklyn 99,” which has a remarkably funny supporting cast and also Andy Samberg.)
Snickers is also keeping with what works and offering a “You’re Not You When You’re Hungry” that features Danny Trejo. The teaser shows him brushing his long luscious locks and yelling, “Shut up, Mom!” so I’m pretty excited to see Machete kill those flyaways.
Pepsi is teasing Craig Robinson’s return as Mr. Nasty Delicious. What shenanigans will he get into?
Victoria’s Secret is likewise switching things up … with a bunch of models playing football in their underwears. These twiggy models running around without helmets and protective gear gets me more nervous than the sudden appearance of Pitbull. Because you know the masterminds at Victoria’s Secret are going to want to make this panty-bowl full contact. Be careful, ladies! Wear helmets. Your extensions will still look good! More importantly, the ad is meant to remind you bros that time is ticking till Valentine’s Day.
Nick Offerman will appear to shill NASCAR after the Super Bowl in a spoof of Clint Eastwood’s “It’s halftime in America” ads. Like Terry Crews, I will watch Nick Offerman do anything, so I am particularly pumped to watch him mock Clint Eastwood.
Kim Kardashian is also going to help “save the minutes” in a T-Mobile ad parodying every sad ad begging for help for less fortunate with a Sarah MacLachan song playing over it … and also her own butt.
New Castle is also parodying … a Doritos ad from last year. Huh.
Mindy Kaling will be appearing as “Invisible Mindy” for Nationwide. Her outfit is dope, so I am excited to see her show it off.
Lindsay Lohan is set to appear in an e-surance commercial that might make mention of all her driving troubles.
Pierce Brosnan is going to try and reclaim his 007 days in an ad for Kia.
Wix has Brett Favre, Emmitt Smith, Terrell Owens, Larry Allen, and Franco Harris building websites to advertise their new businesses. I would totally go to Favre and Carve’s Charcuterie.
Marshall Lynch will be thanking Skittles in his press conference. Girl, I thank Skittles everyday (for these thighs.)
Gimme those tissues
Dove is looking to take over Budweiser’s weepy role this year with some “What makes a man a man?” ads featuring daddies and daughters and don’t mind me, I’ll be over here weeping in the corner listening to John Mayer’s “Daughters” on repeat and huffing this Dove body wash+shampoo.
Speaking of Budweiser’s weepy territory, they’re still in it to win it. Remember that puppy who was best friends with a Clydesdale last year? He’s missing. In the rain. WHO CAN FIND HIM? IT HAD BETTER BE A GD HORSE BEST FRIEND.
Nissan is going to take the dad approach too and celebrate “dads who find innovative ways and exciting ways to make life better for their kids and families” according to their teaser’s YouTube disclaimer. They’re launching a #withdad ad to air during the game. Four videos in total will air, but since one features Jabbawockeez, I may not cry. Oh, who am I kidding?
Toyota is also encouraging folks to tweet pictures of themselves and their dads using the hashtag #OneBoldChoice as LaVar Arrington, Kurt Warner, Fred Jackson, and DeMarcus Ware answer the question “Is being a good dad something you learn, or a choice you make?” Their children are also in the spot. I CAN’T.
Not to leave my tear ducts to settle, Toyota will also run an ad called “How Great I Am” with U.S. Paralympic snowboarder Amy Purdy dancing and running and driving a Camry while Muhammad Ali narrates. It is real dusty at this Super Bowl party, dudes.
What will Pepsi do this year? Will they delve deeper into the back story of those 1940’s sirens who interrupted a good ol’ game of football to coax gentlemen to their car with Pepsi? Maybe they’ll just show footage from their Halftime Preview Concert featuring Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz from last week? Or maybe they’ll just explain why “The Interview” had rights to “Firework” but not the version where Katy Perry sings it?
Meanwhile, over at Coca-Cola, they’re trying to #breaktheinternet. Teasers have included Kid President, a luchador, and a terrifying scary computer. With the hashtag #makeithappy, these ads are also supposedly championing a positive online environment … as well as soda.
Buzzfeed also make its first commercial that will sadly only air in three regional markets – Los Gatos, CA, Kitty Hawk, NC, and Pawnee City, Nebraska. Why? The site teamed up with Friskies. The ad is that adorable cat that explains life to that adorable kitten (You know the one I’m talking about, right? Or are these just the ads I get thanks to my kitten-centric facebook algorithm?) setting the record straight on hooman behavior on Game Day.
Bud Light has created a lifesize Pac Man game. That’s not a surprise so much to you as to the guy they throw into it.
What else is in store for the moments between deflated ball passing? Can’t wait to find out Sunday!