So you’ve made it this far with a certain special lady who loves her some “Twilight” and you’re ready to seal the deal:  you’re committed . . . to finding out what happens in the final book/two movies. While you might not have four hours to hunker down and watch both movies that pay absolute and loving detail to every moment of the novel, you can certainly spare a few minutes to fake your way through with my handy guide.

Settle in, folks, because while Summit Entertainment may have decided to milk their audience for all they’re worth by dividing this book into two films, I have more respect for your time and money, so we’re going through the whole thing full-throttle, like a vampire baby ripping out of the womb.

TWILIGHT: PART IV: BREAKING DAWN: THE FINAL FRONTIER

Not as quick as I’d like synopsis: So you know the drill about the Edward and the Bella and the vampires, right? Oh man, you tuned in right at the best time, because Edward and Bella are going to have the blandest, most uncharismatic wedding ever.  Don’t worry, it’s going to be super expensive because all of Edward’s feathered-haired vampire family has a ton of mysterious money. I wonder what’s on their registry.[ref]DO NOT STEAL. I am saving for my own wedding registry fan fiction.[/ref]

Once they are properly married, Edward whisks Bella away to a private island his vampire dad bought for his vampire mom (side note: HOW MUCH MONEY DO THESE VAMPIRES HAVE? I know they made some good stock investments, but seriously. Only one of them can tell the future and her success rate isn’t that great.) Now that they are on the Island of Misfit Undeads where the vampires can lay out without anyone wondering why they are sparkling so much, Edward and Bella get down to biz-nass: by which I mean, what Bella has been waiting for since she met Edward. By which I mean, when two become one. By which I mean: The big bang. By which I mean: Sex. Much like her lack of ability to write an action scene, Stephenie Meyer leaves the sex scene to the audiences’ imagination (and eventually to E.L. James) but we just know Edward is freak-kay because the bed is literally broken, feathers are flying, and Bella wakes up covered in bruises. It’s cool, because she likes it.[ref]Please though, respect boundaries and have a safe word in your own personal life.[/ref]

The honeymoon’s over soon enough though because two weeks in, Bella has got a little baby belly and she’s like, “The hell? I don’t eat because this book is clearly written from the perspective of someone who has issues with food.” Then the belly gives a big kung fu kick and Bella freaks out because remember, she only lost her V-card two weeks prior and now there is a fully formed baby with legs in her. However, it isn’t that pressing that the baby is half vampire but as such, I’d like to call back to a variation on my eternal question of “do vampires poop?” and ask:  do vampires have sperm? I mean, apparently they do, because they made a baby but OK, I get the impression that once you’re a vampire a lot of your living organs are killed off to make you a sexy marble like being (a friend recently pointed out in the Anne Rice canon, a vampire’s organs expel their contents upon your turning and never refill.  But that’s Anne Rice and she’s clearly thought about this). Because sperm is regenerative, and vampires are hypothetically frozen in time when they turn, are we to assume that Edward has 200-year-old sperm that has made this baby? I know we’re typically more concerned with old eggs than old sperm, but I would get that baby some tests.

Point is:  Bella figures out she is pregnant and tells Edward and he FREAKS OUT. He’s like, “this baby is going to kill you.” In a not-so-subtle pro-life argument, Bella says she doesn’t care, she’s made up her mind, she’s keeping her baby. It doesn’t really matter to her that the baby is, you know, drinking Bella’s blood from within. She loves it because it’s hers and Edward’s and feels a connection to it already. Probably because it’s consuming her from within.

Edward’s vampire dad Carlisle is a doctor, which has to be kind of shady for their vagabond lifestyle.[ref]“Dr. Cullen, why do you move so often from hospital to hospital?”  “Oh, just to keep cover for my eternally teenage vampire children. We can’t have anyone noticing they aren’t aging.” Sure, Dr. Cullen, no one thinks you’ve had 40,000 malpractice suits.[/ref] (Also: if Carlisle is a doctor, why isn’t he just getting blood from the hospital all the time for all the vampires? Did you hear the RadioLab on blood? Hospitals throw out blood all the time, especially in rural areas. Look it up.) This is a good thing in the meantime, because Bella could give a crap about pickles or ice cream, all she is craving during her pregnancy is blood.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, for all his blood-getting abilities, is still not 100 percent on what is going to happen with this kid, because he’s never seen a half-human half-vampire baby before. Nature, as is its way, takes care of it though, as the baby offers another judo kick practically through Bella, causing her to fall, break her pelvis, and begin labor.  And thus, the sweet, innocent life Bella fought so hard to protect begins to bite its way out.

I used to work with a guy who would sometimes eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s for lunch. That was the most simultaneously disgusting and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Bella’s vampire love-baby ripping forth from her own mother’s womb was not. The baby totally kills Bella during childbirth, which is typical of childbirths in the frontier and with vicious fast growing half-vampire babies. Edward has prepared for this though and not only bites Bella multiple times as the baby tears through her stomach, “Alien”-style, but also injects his own venom straight into her heart. Edward is very thorough. I’m pretty sure the baby doesn’t pass the APGAR test, but no one cares because Bella is now a vampire and Jacob has imprinted on the baby. Imprinting is a thing werewolves do that means they have an immediate and deep connection with someone, indicating that someone is their soul mate.  And Jacob does it. WITH A BABY. THE BABY IS HIS SOUL MATE.

As if it was not already, this shit is now legit bananas.

Once everyone is OK (or as okay as a new vampire and a baby half-vampire can be), they get to work. Bella names the baby Renesmee, which is a merging of her mom’s name and Edward’s vampire mom’s name, and let’s face it, going to be a nightmare for this kid on the first day of school. Then they leave the baby in the care of the creepy 16-year-old werewolf who is in love with her and take to the woods, because Bella has to feed. She and Edward prance through the forest in designer clothing, graceful and amber-eyed and light and awkward on film, and eat a deer and then get to having some crazy vampire sex.

Baby Renesmee is still growing at an accelerated pace and Bella is the best behaved baby vampire ever, so calm and so in control of her crazy vampire urges, so everyone is really impressed by both of them. However, the vampire Irina, who comes out of NOWHERE, thinks Renesmee is an “immortal child,” which is when a vampire bites a kid–a huge no-no in the vampire world. Irina goes running to the ol’ Volturi, who are down to have a full-blown war with the Cullens. The Cullens gather their allies, which include:  The werewolves who are on their side and don’t hate vampires now that one of their own is in love WITH A BABY and some other vampires they found. Also they have the power of Bella’s secret vampire skill: She can make mind shields. Stick with me.

The Volturi show up and see Renesmee has special vampire powers and they are like, “Oh wow, this must be hereditary from both her parents. Our huge bad.” And kill Irina and leave. You’re probably saying, but Mel, in the movie there is a HUGE battle scene with awesome decapitations because that’s the only way to kill a vampire. To which I say: Why are you reading this if you’ve already watched the movie? I mean, thank you, I appreciate it. But also, turns out, that whole battle, the epic awesome battle that made everything worth it? Is just a vision Alice shows the Volturi of what could have happened because the future is subjective, etc. and if the Volturi step to the Cullens, heads will roll. But in the movie, the Volturi see that and step off, so Bobby was just in the shower the whole time.  You’re right, it is mega lame.

Alice and Jasper also show up with a 150-year-old half-vampire, half-human they found, so there is at least one other one in the world, and they’re no big deal. Dr. Carlisle, Medicine Vampire thinks Renesmee should stop growing once she hits her late teens, which is totally convenient for Humbert Humbert–err, Jacob. Everyone lives happily ever after, especially Edward and Bella, because Bella learned a sexxxy trick where she finally lets Edward inside her mind (not a euphemism.) The end. FINALLY.

HOW TO USE THIS INFORMATION

Impress your friends: Edward and Bella’s wedding (movie edition) would have cost $300,000 in real life.

Lady boner points: Think of all the wonderful, useful things you can do with $300,000.

Super lady boner points:  Think of all the children in third world countries you could feed with $300,000.

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Impress your friends: Discuss how Stephenie Meyer has stated that Bella “lost relatability” when she became a vampire.

Lady boner points: Discuss points when Bella was actually relatable as a character (hint: never).

Super lady boner points: Talk about whether fantasy needs to be grounded with a relatable “straight man” or human character who is new to the supernatural elements or if it is just as effective when we as the audience are thrown completely into the fantastic world and wholly expected to understand as we go along.

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Impress your friends:  Drop into conversation that this novel was supposedly influenced by Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice” and “Midsummer Night’s Dream.”  Supposedly.

Lady boner points: Quote Shakespeare. (NOT the prologue to “Romeo and Juliet” or the “To be or not to be” soliloquy from “Hamlet” unless you know more than the first line.)

Super lady boner points:  Talk about all the great sexy lines Shakespeare uses that maybe reference the breaking dawn? Like “Yon light is not daylight. I know it, I/It is some meteor that the sun exhales/To be this night a torchbearer/And light thee on thy way to Mantua/Therefore yet stay.  Thou needn’st not be gone.”  A thousand times sexier than a broken bedpost and some feathers, you guys.