Are you still trying to woo that young lady who is crazy into “Twilight?” Have you still not wowed her with your thorough knowledge of the first two books and films? Help is here, because I have a guide to the third book, which I’m pretty sure is called “Eclipse.”

If you’re looking for a respite from “Twilight” action, you’re in luck, because now that we’re rolling around to the third one, nothing too memorable happens. This will be quick and painless, like a vampire snapping your neck. Wait, that’s probably painful.


Quick SynopsisEdward is still a vampire, Bella is still a nitwit. Bella still wants to be a vampire, but Edward still will only turn her into one if she marries him. So naturally, being 17, he proposes to Bella and she’s all, “B’okay.” I know I’m making light of it, but it’s a really beautiful celebration of a teenage love that is sure to last forever (mostly because of their immortality) in a life full of happiness and no resentment. They still live in Washington state, where there are lots of sudden disappearances of teenagers in the far off exotic city of Seattle. Before you start getting all excited and thinking this is going to turn into a gritty noir novel, they’re just being turned into an army of newborn baby vampires by Victoria (who still hates Bella for killing her love, James.) Jacob is still a werewolf because there is still a threat to Bella, for whom he also still has a huge CGI boner. He tries to get handsy with her, which results in her punching him. Spoiler: If you punch a werewolf, you hurt your hand. Also, your boyfriend will tell the werewolf off and say “you can only kiss my girlfriend if she asks you to,” which is weird? I don’t know, I’m not a vampire, but if my significant other was suddenly running around asking for kisses from CGI dogs, I’d be all, “This isn’t working out for me.” Maybe vampires have more open relationships?[ref]Do not steal. I am using for my own fan fiction.[/ref]

Edward’s vampire sister Alice has one of her vampire psychic visions that Victoria is back in Forks and everyone believes her despite her being the “Girl Who Cried Bella Died When She Went Cliff Diving.” The Cullen clan launches this wacky plot to keep Bella on a mountain while they lure the vampire army to a field where they can do epic battle. So she camps out on a mountain being protected by both Edward and Jacob because werewolf stink covers up human smell. Seriously. If you ever can’t get a distinctive odor out of a couch or a car you’re trying to sell, just get a werewolf.

Point is, Bella is on a mountain and she gets cold, and vampires are totes like marble statues and werewolves exude heat which is why they are running around in jorts 24/7, so Edward says it’s OK for Jacob to snuggle Bella. Bella wakes up in the middle of the night and hears the boyzzz talking about how they both love her. And Bella’s angstily thinking, “Ugh. Can you be in love with both a werewolf and a vampire?” To which I say: Yeah, you can, but it’s stupid. But you do you, Bella. And apparently Bella being Bella involves asking Jacob to kiss her (which I imagine is the equivalent of her bachelorette party.)

Back to the action: The baby vampire army attacks, and all the wolves and Cullen Clan fight them, with Edward killing Victoria (FINALLY). The Volturi show up to finish the job on those crazy vampire babies. One of the baby vampires has surrendered to the Cullens and they’re all, “Aww!  Can we keep her?” and try to convince the Volturi that they know she’s a big responsibility but they’re up for it and the Volturi will never have to walk her because the Cullens know she’s their baby vampire. The Volturi kill her anyway. Then the Volturi realize it’s pretty weird that this human girl is still a human and causing all this trouble when they were told she’d be a vampire. But Bella’s like, “Oh me? I have a date set for my transformation to vampire.” Then she does a laugh like the Count on “Sesame Street” which seems to convince them, so they head back to Rome.

Now that they have some downtime, Bella and Edward chat about how he knows she’s in love with another guy although they’re getting married. If this were a romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon, Edward would say it’s more important for Bella to be happy and go his own way, leaving Bella to run after Jacob in the rain. But since this isn’t a romantic comedy, but instead a weird vampire morality tale for teenagers, Bella convinces Edward that she loves him more and they should get married and he should turn her into a vampire. Because Jacob won’t be the FIRST THING Edward brings up in every single fight from now on. Edward is down, so they’re like, “better tell your dad” and then there’s a wacky freeze frame.

How to Use this information

Impress your friends: Author Stephenie Meyer claims that “Eclipse” was influenced by “Wuthering Heights.” She further claims that she doesn’t really like “Wuthering Heights.” Neither does Edward.[ref]Please note that Edward is not real and therefore doesn’t really have opinions.[/ref] They both think it’s too depressing.

Lady boner points:  Have a better understanding of Gothic literature than Stephenie Meyer. Maybe try reading “Wuthering Heights.” There’s even a movie version with Tom Hardy.  He was great in “Warrior.”

Super lady boner points:  Have a better understanding of human relationships than Stephenie Meyer.


Impress your friends:  Meyer claimed in Variety last week that she is “so over” Twilight and for her, “it is not a happy place to be.”  Which makes two of us.

Lady boner points:  Talk about the exhaustive nature of pop lit today that demands any successful venture be a part of a serial, to the point of exploiting characters/character development far past the dramatic expectation of audiences which only really results in final books in a modern series being repetitive and predictable.

Super lady boner points:  Mention that Emily Bronte didn’t need to write a sequel to “Wuthering Heights” because she came to a natural and fitting ending for her characters.