It’s December bros! And that means Christmas is all around us. I KNOW you are all over the fact that the beloved Christmas movie “Love Actually” celebrates its 10th anniversary this year. I meant, the Internet bombarded us with interviews with the cast, memories, and fan fiction about Collin’s adventures in America, am I right? (don’t go looking for it, bro. That’s a make-em-up.)
I know you’ve seen “Love Actually” bros. Seriously, if you’ve had a girlfriend in the past 10 years; you’ve had HBO in the past 10 years; you’ve been in a group of people with access to a DVD of it in the past 10 years; you’ve been drunk and lonely at Christmastime . . . you’ve seen “Love Actually.” In fact, I daresay we’ve all seen it enough that we gravitate toward certain stories more than others according to where we are in life at that viewing.
Admit it–you have a favorite. What does that say about you? Let me break it down for you with my very scientific, accurate, thoroughly researched (I saw “Love Actually” in the theater and took one psychology class once) guide.
A bro’s guide to what your favorite “Love Actually” storyline says about you
If you like Colin Firth walking through Portugal to propose to a girl who doesn’t speak English best.
You know there is hope. Even in your darkest moment, when you walk in to find your brother about to bang your girlfriend, you know the answer is just to run away to the south of France and finish your detective novel and love will find a way back to you. You’re probably the guy who tells your friends the best way to meet someone is to stop looking. You’re also prone to grand romantic gestures like buying flowers for no reason or walking through a foreign country on Christmas Eve to propose. Women wonder how they can find a guy like you. Men wonder if this detective novel will be made into a movie.
You might also just like tramp stamps like the one Aurelia sports.
If you like the little alien kid trying to impress the girl by becoming the little drummer boy best.
You have changed your personality more than once just to get that cute waitress to notice you. Remember when you tried to look all preppy at summer camp so you’d fit in with that older girl’s crowd? Or remember when you started listening to John Mayer in college so you could talk to the cute girl at the end of the hall? In the end, all you had to be was yourself, dude (in the perfect world of holiday romantic comedies).
You might also just like deleted scenes about boy gymnasts.
If you like Liam Neeson bonding with the alien kid through helping him to get the girl best.
You know that the bond between a father and son (or father and stepson) is one that is hugely important, formative, and so masculine that it’s OK to watch “Titanic” together.
Man, you should call your dad.
If you like the guy from “Walking Dead” showing up at Keira Knightley’s doorstep with love posters storyline best.
You love to torture yourself, mostly by editing a creepy montage of close-ups of your best friend’s wife on her wedding days for your own nefarious purposes. You can’t resist the unobtainable. Part of the appeal is in the impossibility of it, dude. Knightley will probably lose a little of her sheen when you’ve been together for a few years and she’s shoving that banoffee pie into her weird teeth every night watching your tribute video. Stop torturing yourself and find someone available. Try Match.com.
You also may just enjoy Andrew Lincoln with a little more meat on his bones.
If you like Laura Linney having to turn down the guy who got buried alive on “Lost” best.
You blame your family for all your failed relationships.
If you like Professor Snape thinking about cheating on Emma Thompson best.
You’ve known pain. Like, seriously, you’ve known pain. Emma Thompson’s exquisite acting in this storyline shows us that love changes as we settle into marriage but can still hurt. The heartbreakingly realistic moment when Thompson silently cries in her bedroom makes you realize there are years of marriage after the fairy tale courtship, and they aren’t always easy or pretty. I’m sorry you got dumped so close to Christmas, sir.
You might also just like Joni Mitchell.
If Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister is your favorite storyline.
You are a man who will fight Billy Bob Thorton for the honor of the woman you love, regardless of the public position you hold.
You also like girls with a little more meat on their bones. Good for you, dude.
If you like aging rock star Billy Mack’s storyline best.
You realize that sometimes the truest, purest love can be between two bros. Yes, there is romantic love, but there is also friendship, and it’s important to remember that sometimes that’s stronger.
Also, you appreciate Bill Nighy as the genius that he is.
If you like Collin going to America so he can find a hot girl best.
You know you’re unappreciated where you are. You just need to find the right audience.
Go on, watch “Love Actually” again now. And if you’re watching with a girl, impress her by telling her you like the Colin Firth storyline best. You’ll see how fast love actually is all around you.