An injustice was revealed to an unwitting American public last week. That appalling spectacle is the first theatrical trailer for “The Accountant.” Just as a broken nation began to piece itself together after the jarring news of Trump being the presumptive Republican nominee, we are forced once again into the white male privileged hubris of Ben Affleck.
If you haven’t had the misfortune of watching the trailer, you can do so here:
Ugh, right? This trailer is incredibly frustrating, and that is only partially due to Affleck’s stupid nerd glasses. No, the infuriating part of these two minutes come from the indication that the movie is two hours of Ben Affleck doing equations on windows, shooting big guns, and blowing on his fingertips. The abundance of Affleck distracts from what is importantly absent. Let’s take a minute to discuss how else Ben messed up this year.
Where my girls at?
Anna Kendrick is the only woman featured in this trailer and thus presumably the film. There are no women in the fast-paced world of accounting, or money laundering, or the CIA. This is understandable: women have periods, and that makes it impossible to do math. Kendrick can barely figure out who Ben Affleck is, demonstrated by the fact that the only line she utters in the trailer is, “Who are you?” Umm, duh, stupid Anna Kendrick. He’s Batman.
(Note: she may not be playing a CIA operative. She is only seen opening a storage space and sitting in front of a desk, so she could be doing anything. She is probably only there to reform a college a cappella group.)
It’s a White Wonderland
Okay, sure, there are no women. I get that, like I said, accounting is no place for a lady. But there is also only a single person of color featured in the trailer. He, naturally, is immediately punched in the face. (Don’t worry! He doesn’t have any lines in the trailer!) Is this in any way reflective of the world we live in? Is this even reflective of the world Ben Affleck lives in? If so, let’s do something about it because I am worried for all those people who only hang around to get punched.
A quick cruise through the IMDb page relieves the worry that there are in fact several actors of color in the cast. But – BUT! Only one of those characters is actually given a name. Oh boy. I guess we just need to remember that no one matters here except Ben Affleck.
No, Ben Affleck, This Won’t Make Up for Batman
The trailer reads like Ben Affleck saw the numbers and the critical response to “Batman v. Superman” and threw a temper tantrum. Picture him huffing until he turns red and finally whining, “I should have been Will Hunting! I should have been Jason Bourne! I’mma make a movie where I’m better than both of them combined!” (and then he sings the entirety of “(And I Am Telling You) I’m Not Going” from “Dreamgirls” and gets a Phoenix tattoo over his entire back. That sure shows us, the American public, for rejecting your Batman, Ben Affleck.
Look, we really wanted to like you again, Ben. We thought “The Town” was great and pretended to like “Argo” while we wondered why you had to take your shirt off in it. But then you cheated on America’s favorite commercial spokeswoman Jennifer Garner and (spoiler) indirectly killed Superman. That’s two out of three unforgivable curses. You have given us as a nation the okay to collectively “Gone Girl” you.
We Were Promised John Lithgow
John Lithgow is in the entertainment news teasers for the movie. John Lithgow is listed on IMDb as being in the movie. John Lithgow is not in the trailer. John Lithgow is the one thing that could have made us say, “Maybe it won’t be so bad.” But no. Instead of one villainous wisecrack from Lithgow, we got more convincing that Affleck is a genius. Better than Einstein, you guys! Better than Picasso!
Bros, we all clearly need to hold Ben Affleck and tell him he’s the best and smartest person in the world and is also handsome and very masculine. He is in fact receiving a “Guys of the Decade” award from Spike TV alongside bro Matt Damon next month. Maybe that will ease his ego. Maybe that will help save us being subjected to mediocre action movies. But maybe … just maybe…having to share with Matt will make the beast even angrier. And that will only hurt the “Justice League.”
In the meantime, let’s all rewatch “Fury Road” and “The Force Awakens” and hope Hollywood gets the hint that we want more of that and less massaging of the Affleck.