I’m torn, Party Planner. I want to celebrate something this weekend but my best option for a party is the opening of the One Direction documentary “One Direction: This is Us.” Is this really cause for celebration? A documentary? About a boy band? None of whom actually play instruments? And they don’t dance? Who were spawned from reality TV? A Simon Cowell show no less? Directed by the guy who got famous regurgitating a Big Mac onscreen?

Eh la, any port in a storm, right?

Let’s plan a One Direction party.

INVITATIONS

You should challenge your guests to arrive at this party via a route that goes only . . . wait for it . . . one direction. Any guest who can prove they did so should receive a door prize.

FOOD  (Most of these are desserts since the boys are soooooooooo sweet)

Angel Food Cake – Triple the vanilla eXtractor
Cherry Styles – A cherry crumble with too much topping
Quiche LorZayn – Key ingredients? A half pound of pork and heavy cream
BlueHarry Pie – Sounds disgusting, but it’s actually super cute
Key Simon Pie – Key Lime Pie that is incredibly sour, but it doesn’t care whether you like it or not
Spurlock style Haggis – The Scottish dish, but made with Morgans instead of organs

DRINKS

Zayn Alcohol / Payne Alcohol – Take your pick what you decide to call your grain alcohol
Bloody Harry’s – Add extra tomato juice until the color of your bloodies is Taylor Swift red
Old Niall – The most ordinary beer for the most ordinary of the boys
Liqueurlock – Any liqueur, but one you start drinking it, you have to drink it for 30 days
SHarry – Made with Palomino grapes, just like our young stallion

THE DRINKING GAME

Drink ONCE anytime these things happens:

  • Harry speaks for all of them
  • One of the boys is shirtless
  • A tween cries while fangirling
  • You get the feeling the film is more about Morgan Spurlock than it is about One Direction
  • There’s a shot of someone sleeping in an airport
  • There’s a shot of someone sleeping on a tour bus
  • There’s a shot of someone sleeping in a limo
  • There’s a shot of one of the boys in a toilet
  • One of the guys plays a prank on one of the other guys
  • Anyone says something to the effect of “People forget they’re / we’re just kids”

Drink TWICE when any of these things happens:

  • Two or more guys (but not all of them) are shirtless
  • There’s a shot of someone sleeping on a greenroom couch
  • A female adult fangirls over them (no crying required)
  • Any reference to Taylor Swift (either onscreen or amongst your friends)

SOCIAL: Everyone drinks for 10 seconds when all the guys are shirtless at the same time