In case you haven’t noticed, “The Bachelor” is back, so it’s time for me to make a completely relevant and appropriate reference to “Godfather III.”
This is my third season of recapping ABC’s premiere matchmaking program, and my 7th season of writing about a show from The Bachelor franchise. If I’ve learned anything from the experience, “The Bachelor” comes with the same tepid gratification of taking your first shit in a co-ed bathroom. You look both ways, and make sure nobody is in the room in embarrassment of the act you’re about to partake in. But then once you start, you can’t help but release grunts and chortles of sheer pleasure. So let’s all drop our pants together, hold hands, and dive into this pile of defecation that is the search for eternal love.
This year we have Ben Higgins, who was eliminated in third place by last season’s bachelorette Kaitlyn. He’s a software salesman that has hiked in Peru, but most importantly, LOOK AT THAT JUMPER!
Seriously, even the experts are into it.
— BBALLBREAKDOWN (@bballbreakdown) January 6, 2016
He’s every girls wet dream, and Byron Scott’s worst nightmare. What more can you ask for from this kind-hearted perfect specimen like Ben?
But that’s sort of the problem, isn’t it? Perfection draws the hearts of America, but it’s the bachelor’s imperfections that will draw ratings. So far, Ben doesn’t have many, save the typical stammering and confused looks that any man would have while being served up his own personal harem. But I’ll reserve judgment for now. Even the sweet Iowan farmer Chris Soules revealed himself to be the thirstiest of attention whores. Seriously Chris, screw you and you’re interpretation of barley gyrating.
Luckily for us, there are twenty-six other women to distract us from Ben in the opening episode, and their introductions, as always, make you want to refill your glasses when you remember that each of these women are the daughters of some poor father. From corny pick-up lines to silly trinkets, there’s something for everyone….to hate on.
For example, how about the nutritionist who claimed “gluten was the devil.” Probably the quickest way to get rid of a man’s boner, if we’re being honest. Oh, and if you’re going to try to impress him with your love for sports, know the limitations of what you’re wearing.
— Kelly Travis (@kellytravisty) January 5, 2016
Oh, and we’d be remiss not to shoutout the news anchor who gave up her job to come on the show (don’t worry, she got the first impression rose, so it was totally worth it). Let’s also not forget the “I’m coming back for my second shot of absinthe…I mean love” girls.
But there are two real stars of the show that we must salute. And by two I actually mean three. Let me explain.
— Connor (@cronair) December 7, 2015
Raise your hand if you suddenly had a desperate urge to chug three Coors Lights? God damn subliminal messages. Yes that’s right, we have twins on this season of “The Bachelor!” There are so many questions that need to be answered, but more importantly, there are so many possible ways for this to go wrong. I’m assuming there’s going to be a twin-centric episode at some point, so let’s save those thoughts so I don’t…WAIT FOR IT…repeat myself.
But the true “bar’s closing at 2am” gem of the night is our dear friend Lace, who puts on one of the greatest opening-episode performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. She checks off all the boxes on the first night to-do list possible: she gets completely obliterated on champagne, talks rampant shit about all the other women, has prolonged one-on-one sessions with Ben that piss off everybody else, and manages to get a rose. The best part? She continues to complain to Ben after getting a rose and nearly talks herself off the show, knowing full well the producers will never let that happen.
God damn, it’s like watching Chris Paul shine in a nationally-televised game while berating officials knowing full-well he’s not going to get tossed. Only difference between them? Eye-contact isn’t necessary for a successful dime.
That’s it, screw me and my lukewarm enthusiasm. I’M BACK IN BABY. So stockpile that pantry with wine coolers and hide your dignity underneath the couch. Because it’s bachelor season, and we’re just getting started. Until next week!