As you probably know, things have been very hectic in the last two weeks with all the changes at Bro Jackson. Still, I’m sorry I slipped, and couldn’t give you a recap of last episode. So for all of you who were sad or complained (either directly to me or in your mind), here’s your recap of episode seven.

Yes, they swam with fucking pigs. That’s all you need to know about last week’s episode. Oh and Olivia got kicked off the shows after I wrote a thousand words about why her maniacal persona would keep her on the show for a while. Why do I even write these things why I can’t predict shit on scripted reality television?

I suppose it’s the same reason “The Bachelor” continues to find contestants to be a part of their show twenty years after it’s first season. Regardless of how repetitive the show can become, no matter how empty the promise of love might be, there’s always an opportunity of semi-stardom for these contestants. I go through a similar thought process when I come back and watch each episode. I know the formula, I mostly know how these dates play out, but there’s always something that keeps me coming back. You know, like the fucking bay of pigs Ben and the women faced off with in the Bahamas.

The first hour or so of the episode certainly had me questioning whether or not this show would still have it’s magic. Olivia was gone, and the rest of the contestants weren’t exactly giving each other a run for their money in terms of who would be the spark plug for drama. Lauren B. had a seemingly wonderful date, as she was taken to the Warsaw, Indiana version of a Boys and Girls club and got to watch Ben interact with kids, always a winner with the ladies. Oh and on top of that, Paul George and George Hill of the Indiana Pacers visited, and Lauren B. still was interested in Ben more than the players. So hey, she’s not a gold digger, that’s a plus! Not to mention, Lauren certainly impressed with her one-on-one skills with a sweet reverse layup.

Oh, and to anybody who is yelling “TRAVEL!” after watching that, I sincerely hope you die alone clutching an NBA rule book, you highlight-hater.

Still, a layup isn’t exactly convincing me to come back to this show. What about Jojo’s date though? Her one-on-one date was a trip to Wrigley field. Again, there isn’t much to say about the date, except that Jojo confronted her fears of dating Ben with others at the same time.

It literally took six seconds to summarize a date that lasted about 20 minutes of television time. You’re not really reeling me in here, producers.

But slowly the excitement builds back. A three-on-one date reinvigorates the episode the same way pegging rekindles an aged couple’s sex life. It’s awkward, and tears are bound to ensue. But in the end, you find that regardless of much of a pain in the ass it is, it’s nothing a quick trip to McDonalds can’t fix.

Look, I know they most likely had to go to McDonalds due to sponsorship commitments, but still. This poor mother of two is trying to escape the harrows of raising children. Couldn’t you at least set something up at the nearest Olive Garden?

The final date involves one half of our twin-tandem Emily meeting Ben’s parents. Let me set this up date by letting you know that Emily is 23-years-old. At 23, I was teaching middle school math, partaking in my fair share of substances, and thought the best movie ever made was Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (of those three, only the last one is true). So I understand that Emily isn’t exactly in the right mental state to meet the parents of a man who she think she’s going to marry. Still, when your five-year plan involves supporting eventual case-studies for CTE by waiving pom-poms (no shots at cheerleading, it’s just tough to make any money doing it), you’re not exactly going to blow the minds of any parents.

Safe to say, Emily’s date doesn’t exactly go so well. Ben eventually decides that Emily is too young (and according to his mother, not “mah-toore” enough) to pursue as a wife, and asks her to return home.

Which leaves us with five contestants, and only four home town dates for next week. So of course, ROSE CEREMONY! Becca, who has been clinging onto dear life with her good looks and the personality of your favorite number two pencil, finally breaks down after exiting her three-on-one date. “Don’t blindside me,” she tells Ben during her date. But while it may have been a shock for her to leave, it certainly wasn’t for the audience. She is as engaging as a Peyton Manning legacy thinkpiece, so to see her exit isn’t exactly a stunner.

And we’re down to our final four. Who’s the favorite heading into next week for hometown dates?

Wait what? Lauren B isn’t number one? I know you’re an expert at draft scouting and are at the forefront of how to own a widow’s peak like a champ, so I say this with all the kindness in the world: Stick to fucking sports, Mel Kiper Jr., and get off my damn block!

Until next week!