The final four of “The Bachelor” is about as exciting as the final four in the NCAA: it’s not. The thing is, the journey in March Madness is much greater than watching the best four teams in the country duke it out (no pun intended, especially since Grayson Allen really acted like a fuck-boi last night). There’s a lot more drama in the early rounds, and certainly a lot more tears. Still, there’s always a chance at some drama, which is what keeps us watching.
Ben starts his hometown dates with a trip to the beach with Amanda and her kids. Again, it’s shocking to see that anybody with kids is still in the running for a 26-year-old like Ben, but more power to her. Ben does a great job playing with the kids and entertaining them. But as they leave, the two girls start crying in the backseat, seemingly out of frustration. Amanda tell hers parents, after she introduces Ben to them, that the girls “had a long day.” Sure, we can chalk it up to “kids being kids” and the girls just having an uncomfortably rough day with some man they just met. And on top of the crying, it probably didn’t help Amanda’s chances when her dad reminded Ben that he’d have to give up his friends and lifestyle if he choose Amanda. So blame the kids on this disaster date, right? Wrong. I think it’s more likely that filming on the beach took an extended amount of time, and the kids probably got frustrated after 8 hours of playing peek-a-boo with thirteen cameras in their face. Still though, it’s just another reason not to go on “The Bachelor” if you’re a mother as it never works out for the kids (shoutout Miley).
Now follow that up with Lauren B’s hometown date. After arriving in Portland, Ben and Lauren B. take a stroll around the city, stop by the famous food trucks, and then hit a whiskey bar.
A FUCKING WHISKEY BAR. YOU KNOW, A PLACE YOU CAN’T BRING KIDS. Fifteen minutes into the episode, Amanda has no fucking shot. The most amazing part of the date though has to be when Lauren B’s sister asks Ben what makes Lauren B. special. Because Ben doesn’t know more than twelve adjectives in the dictionary, he start to cry, and that wins over. Oh, and did I mention Lauren B’s sister was super hot?
Can you hear that? That’s the sound Amanda’s hopes and dreams of marrying Ben getting drowned out by the cries of two children.
Speaking of people likely to drown you in your sleep, Caila is up next for her hometown date with Ben! Caila shows Ben her favorite bench (seriously) in all of Hudson, Ohio, before taking Ben to a toy factory. Pause for a second: You just went through several weeks of awkward silly dates including high school competitions, talent shows, and more. And during your first date that you get to plan, you take Ben to a creepy toy factory?
The only thing that could be worse than this would be if Caila surprised Ben with two kids of her own. Luckily she doesn’t, and after Ben gets grilled by her camera-time hungry father, Caila kisses him and they part ways.
So as seemingly horrid as Caila’s date went, JoJo’s date kicks off with the ultimate nightmare. For some reason, the producers allow her ex-boyfriend to drop her a letter telling her how much he still loves her. By the time she calls him and tearfully tells him to get out of her life, Ben shows up to greet her and her ruined makeup. It’s clear her past relationship has been a huge issue for JoJo, but the audience soon realizes that it’s a much bigger deal for her family. If Ben got grilled by Caila’s father, he gets burnt to a crisp by JoJo’s brothers. “You’ve only been on two dates with him,” one brother yells as her mother takes a swig out of the champagne bottle (!!!). Ben tries to defend himself, before being accused of “being coached” on his answers.
Look, brothers of JoJo, here’s the deal. Yes, Ben probably was coached on his answers, and yes, he is dating three other girls. But if you didn’t want your sister to be on this show, you both probably shouldn’t have spent so much time picking out your shirts from the J. Crew sales rack, and probably should have spent more quality time helping her deal with her past relationship. Stop blaming the cameras, you monsters.
In the end, JoJo survives, as do Lauren B. and Caila while Amanda ends up rose-less. Look, I have to say I actually sort of admire Amanda making it this far. But it just goes to show folks: don’t have kids, the ruin everything.
Until next week!