To those of you who survived the two night, three-hour season premiere congratulations! But you must remember this isn’t a sprint, you’ve got to be in it for the long haul. So grab those empty wine glasses and fill them up with another glass of Franzia because it’s finally time for our first dates on “The Bachelorette”

As you know by now, Kaitlyn is our bachelorette this season, and she gets things started with a date to test the strength of the guys. Cue the Migos, because we all know what time it is!

She brings out Laila Ali and the guys suddenly realize that this will be a boxing competition, which seems pretty unfair seeing as that many of these guys are trying to hang onto every brain cell possible. The fights themselves certainly did not resemble Manny Pacquio-Floyd Mayweather, unless we’re gauging them on a scale of disappointment. 

That is until the final fight of the day which pits Ben Z. against Jared. In case you’ve forgotten, former football player Ben Z. looks like this.

And while he’s no slouch, Jared looks like a early elimination on the National Spelling Bee compared to Ben Z. For gamblers, the choice seems pretty simple:

Jared puts up a decent fight until he gets sent to the hospital with a concussion. It’s a bit unfair, seeing as that he doesn’t get to continue the date with the rest of the gentlemen. Still, on his way to the hospital, he swings by the date location and swags out by getting his version of a 2nd place participation trophy by kissing Kaitlyn. But to the victor go the spoils, as Ben Z. collects the rose on the first group date of the season.

On her first solo date of the season, Kaitlyn decides to take the photoshoot route, a common theme in the Bachelor franchise. However, she takes it to a whole other level when she reveals to Clint, her date, that they will be taking pictures underwater. Apparently this is a thing that couples are doing these days for engagement photos.

And while numerous “go with the flow” references are dropped during the date, the highlight of the date is neither Clint or Kaitlyn. In fact, it has to be the photographer, whose official occupation title is “conceptual underwater photographer.” It’s a tradition for contestants on the Bachelor franchise to have outlandish job descriptions, but I think we can all say hers takes the cake. And after taking both the literal and figurative dive with Kaitlyn, Clint earns his rose.

The punches, or punch-lines I should say, keep rolling as Kaitlyn’s next group date is a stand-up comedy date featuring the talented Amy Schumer. A lot of speculation has been made regarding Schumer becoming the next Bachelorette, and it was refreshing to see Schumer address these comments via socail media like the boss she is.

Much like Jimmy Kimmel did last year, Schumer uses her comedic talent to keep the show fresh and poke fun at both Kaitlyn, the contestants and the whole concept itself.

The guys perform valiantly, using their own situations and backgrounds as ammunition for their jokes. Well, except for Tony the healer, who uses his time to preach to the crowd like a motivational speaker on A&E at 2am. Seriously, he could have sold about 15 copies of “The Secret” during his five-minute set.

At the end of the date, the divorced douchebag with a daughter J.J. ends up with the rose. But while the contestants have a gentlemen’s agreement to let the men who didn’t go on a date speak to Kaitlyn first at he cocktail party, J.J. pulls a Russell Westbrook and bull-rushes her for a chance to talk. On one hand, I see where he’s coming from: even though he has a rose, it’s every man for himself and you want to show the bachelorette that it’s not all about just earning a flower. Still, while you don’t need to “make friends” on the show, isn’t it still a bit courteous to let others go before you? Isn’t that a quality a woman would want to see in a man? You don’t want to end up dating or marrying the kid who never had to leave the four-square court because it was his red rubber ball, right? I’m sure Amy agrees.

Even though J.J. ends up becoming a villain in the eyes of most of the competitors, the real star of the show this week is our friend Kupah. King Kupah has got a bone to pick, since he feels like he didn’t get a fair shot to talk to Kaitlyn at his boxing date. Still, Kaitlyn claims that he was way into the actual boxing and not her.

Yeah.

So while Kupah tries to defend himself in a drunken, slurred, five-minute rant, but he only digs his hole deeper and makes Kaitlyn like him even less. I know buddy, it seems counterintuitive, but sometimes it’s better to just run with your looks and keep your mouth shut.

 

Shocking, I know. Kaitlyn eventually smashes Kupah Trooper’s shell and kicks him boots him out the door Mario Bros style. And alas, Kupah leaves our lives for good. But not before this magical exit interview.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly where the episode cuts. So tune in next week to see what happens with Kupah, who ends up getting roses, and, oh yeah, and so we can discuss this gem.

Until next week!