We ended last episode of “The Bachelorette” with an explosive “Kupah” trooper engaging in an extremely uncomfortable exit interview after being dismissed by our bachelorette Kaitlyn. Things seem to get heated as Kupah tries to rush through his exit interview. After several loud moments of belligerent nonsense, Kaitlyn comes outside to calm him down and remind him that he’s on national TV, to which he calmly responds, “You have chlamydia, I don’t even like you right now, I’ve been dissed by uglier girls.” There are so many things that upset me about this, one of which is the fact that now “chlamydia” is engrained in my Google search history due to the fact I had no idea how to spell it (Forgive me, I’m no Gokul). But moreover, have some grace dude. Sorry that Kaitlyn doesn’t really want to be patient with a belligerent, bumbling, drunk. Obviously we understand that you might feel uncomfortable that your elimination might have to do with your race, but discussing social issues after multiple whiskeys on the rocks is never a good idea. So like a single green shell in Mario Kart, Kupah blasts off into the darkness in no particular direction. And after a rather uneventful rose ceremony, we’re onto more dates!
Our first date starts off with a bang (seriously) as two large Japanese wrestlers wake the boys up by smashing pots and pans. That’s right, it’s a sumo wrestling date! Because “The Bachelorette” has a racism provision in their contract that states one contestant is obligated to make some type of insensitive remark per epiode, J.J. is allowed to express his enthusiasm for this sumo wrestling date.
The thing about this season is that many of these group dates aren’t really dates at all. I think it’s more appropriate to call them activities during which Kaitlyn can enjoy some laughs. After going through some training and strapping on their diapers, the guys take their shot at taking down Byama and Yama, our two sumo champs. While all of the men fail, Tony the healer takes the loss particularly hard.
— Tony Harris (@Tony_the_Healer) June 4, 2015
He walks away, and later blames his frustration on the competition aspect of the activity. It’s pretty clear he hasn’t realized that he’s on a reality show based on a dating competition premise. But perhaps the sumo challenge brought him some enlightenment of his own, as he ends up packing up and bidding farewell to Kaitlyn by saying “I’m not a quitter, I’m leaving on my terms.” Which of course, is exactly what quitting is.
After changing out of their own diapers, the men continue to the one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. That is, all of them do except for Clint. Clint decides that after two episodes, he’s tired of pursing and wants to be pursued. Again, he’s not a mathematician, nor is he much of a thinker. He clearly doesn’t understand that it isn’t 2am at your local watering hole, where women are just grabbing onto whatever piece of man muscle they can find. Unfortunately, this is “The Bachelorette,” where it’s you, Kaitlyn, a dozen other men, and most importantly, no other women. In very Kaitlyn-like fashion, she calls him out for not even trying, hands the rose to Shawn, and leaves him wondering if he should have kept his day job as a DreamWorks voice actor.
Prince Charming from shrek and Clint from bachelorette are the same person what pic.twitter.com/hHWTEYIzbh
— baby ems (@_emilyyymichell) June 2, 2015
Next Kaitlyn goes on her one-on-one date with Ben Z. Now, remember how I called these dates activities? Well this is way worse than that. The couple arrive at an eerie warehouse, and Chris “Jigsaw” Harrison informs them that they’ll be trapped inside a haunted house-type room for an hour and a half. Their objective is to figure out a way to escape before time is up and gas is released into the room. Like I said before, we’ve come to the point where the producers are grasping at straws for date ideas. Seriously, nobody wants to recreate scenes from Saw 2 on their first date. Especially when they involve maggots, dirty toilets and LIVE ANIMALS FLYING AT YOU OUT OF NOWHERE.
Kaitlyn admits she has a extreme fear of birds, which I’m not going to hate on for several reasons. First off, I’ve seen people with worse fears that are far more irrational, such as ketchup (mortuusequusphobia) and eggs (alektorophobia), so birds I can totally understand. Moreover, if you’ve ever lived in San Francisco, you know that the pigeons here act like they run shit. One minute they’re pecking aimlessly at the ground, and the next minute, they’re kamikaze-ing at your face. They have way too much chill, and no chill at the same time. Fuck these birds. Back me up, Sporty Thievz.
In the end, Ben Z. and Kaitlyn escape the nightmare only Alfred Hitchcock could think up, and the date ends with kisses and a rose.
The final group date is one that every parent or soon-to-be parent dreads the minute their child comes to this world. Kaitlyn has the guys meet her at a school, and tells them that they’ll be teaching a Sex Ed class to a group of elementary school kids. They lessons include puberty, tampons, condoms, ejaculation, and made me so uncomfortable that I had to discard my “favorite period of the day” joke I was saving. Again, these guys have absolutely no filter, but what else can we expect from a group of reality television contestants. And while I have to admit I actually learned a thing or two, the date thankfully comes to a close with Ben H. receiving a rose for his charm with the children and his beautiful demonstration of a sperm swimming towards an egg.
Now, as the producers teased last week, the cocktail hour was supposed to bring J.J. and Clint together as a couple. But in typical fashion, they simply received an edit that overplayed their bromance. As discussed on the Right Reasons podcast on Grantland, it’s a bit upsetting and distasteful to overblow and poke fun at a male friendship, especially in the social climate of 2015. But at the same time, we have every right to make fun of friends who pop each others back zits.
But with this budding bromance brings a certain jealous from the rest of the men, as many of them share their distaste of Clint with Kaitlyn. The episode ends with her calling him over for a serious conversation. What will she say to him? Will she throw him out before the rose ceremony even starts? Does she have her own zit to pop? Until next week!