Like the season finale of “Game of Thrones,” we ended last episode of “The Bachelorette” wondering what the fate would be for a curly-haired outcast shunned by his fellow group of men. Like Jon Snow, Nick enters the hotel room only to be ambushed by the other bachelors and pelted with questions left and right. Joshua particularly goes in on Nick, asking whether he’s here to compete for Kaitlyn’s heart, or if he just wanted to return to “The Bachelorette” for the attention. Unfortunately “you had your season” isn’t a good enough reason for the producers to keep Nick away from the ABC reality limelight. So while his intentions remain a question, and despite the hostility of the other bachelors, Nick is here to stay. And after a frigid rose ceremony at Citi Field ballpark, Nick ends the night feeling like Joseph Gordon-Levitt after stealing a kiss in “10 Things I Hate About You”

backinthegame

In the first date of the night, Ben H. and Kaitlyn get a firsthand taste of lovely San Antonio by entering into a two-step competition. Although it seems exciting, Kaitlyn immediately notices that the room is full of “legit honky-tonk folk,” which is code for “holy shit, there are a bunch of old-ass white people in here.” All things considered, Kaitlyn and Ben H. do a fine job of learning an outdated form of dance while trying to form a bond of trust and love. And while they eventually kiss and exchange a rose, the audience can only wonder what type of enjoyment could have come from a different type of two-step competition.

We then move on to the “is it racist?” segment of the show, otherwise known as the group date. This week, the group of guys are forced to write mariachi songs and perform them wearing traditional outfits. And just as you’d expect, the men prove that imitation isn’t always the most sincere form of flattery.

Among the most memorable performances, J.J. attempts to play the guitar, Joe snags a kiss behind a sombrero, and Ian and his receding hairline do their best LeBron impression by choking under pressure (just kidding, LeBron is the best). But the best performance in my opinion comes from Nick. Obviously he’s under the most pressure as a late arrival to the group. And while his vocal chords could use a hammering from the Russian astronaut in “Armageddon,” he owns by moment by calling out all the other guys by proclaiming he’s willing to brawl for Kaitlyn’s love, and he plays to her humorous side with lines like “I think we have a great connection, it gives me a huge erection.”

Later in the group date, Joshua pulls Kaitlyn aside and for some odd reasons, decides to let her cut his hair as an offering of trust. For every man and woman your hair is your kingdom and you should treasure it. In Josh’s case however, his hair ends up looking like the Wildlings stormed the fucking keep and slaughtered all the women and children.

Here’s the thing: all guys should have one barber they trust, and that’s it. Find that person, and stick with them, or else there will be serious consequences. 

https://twitter.com/HumbleTeej/status/611665399482945536

In Josh’s case, he doesn’t get the hell knocked out of him, but he still gets hit with every joke possible from all the guys. Joshua ends up getting upset, and angrily spills the beans to Kaitlyn that none of the guys like Nick. And immediately after her shocked reaction, he suddenly realize his mistake of forgetting the essential, elementary-school lesson of “snitches get stitches.” He literally breaks every code in the Book of Bro, and when Kaitlyn confronts the entire group, not a single guy backs him up. He looks around in desperation to find someone who support his story, and pleads to Kaitlyn to not blame him or “kill the messenger.” The thing is, Joshua forgot the golden rule of “The Bachelorette”: not matter what you see, hear or do, under no circumstance should you upset the bachelorette. Even if someone stabs a producer or even worse, uses your toothbrush, you never want to be associated with delivering bad news to the woman you’re trying to win over. And after nobody agrees with Joshua about Nick in front of Kaitlyn, she hands the rose to Nick much to the dismay of Joshua and the rugged tundra on his head.

Last but not least, we come to Ian. During the tail end of the group date, Ian begins to complain in the douchiest way possible. He’s upset that Kaitlyn isn’t giving him any attention and ponders why anyone wouldn’t date someone who “graduated Princeton” and “modeled.” Newsflash bro, it’s probably because you say vomit-inducing shit like this:

The worst part of his tirade is when he when decides enough is enough. He pledges to make the Alamo proud in San Antonio, take his last stand (his words, not mine) and confront the “not half as hot as his ex-girlfriend” Kaitlyn. His states to her that he doesn’t want to try to compete with guys “making fart jokes all the time.” And he takes it to the next level by telling her she’s a “shallow, surface level person” who just wants to “make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.”

I haven’t really touched on the amount of slut-shaming that has happened on the Internet or in the actual show, but I think now is an appropriate time. While Kaitlyn might be doing wrong in Ian’s eyes, the fact is she isn’t. It’s never fair to applaud a guy making out with many girls while deriding a girl for being ‘promiscuous,” especially when she’s on a show as the only girl with twenty-five really good looking guys. I’m sure it’s realllllll tough for a handsome guy like Ian to be ignored for the first time in your life, but taking it out on Kaitlyn and making her actions seems wrong because she’s a woman is simply unforgivable. Maybe it’s for Ian to take a deep look at himself in the mirror and evaluate that 3-point arc that’s on your head.

Here’s hoping Kaitlyn responds with some flame emojis next week, shuts him down and throws him off the show. Until next time!