It’s almost “Game of Thrones” time! We are very fortunate to have great recaps from Katherine Gordon and Evan Barnes, but maybe you just want a quickie catch-up with where we left everyone. But! BUT! We’re diving into this sixth season with little to no dictation of plot based on the novels. Anything could happen! Anything! We’re going in as blind as Arya. So I’ll catch you up and speculate on what I think should happen. And as an added bonus, I’ll give you a pun-based food for your themed premiere party. Ladies love puns.
Where we left her: Arya snuck out with one of the masks of the House of Black and White to kill Meryn Trant (I don’t remember what he did either.) The
Faceless Man was not okay with this. Turns out, when you just throw on a mask to exact revenge before you really know how to use it, you go blind. Sucks.
Where we want to see her go: Arya hangs out in the books training to be an awesome blind assassin for a while, and that sounds great. The best part of any action movie or TV show is when the hero fights blindfolded (think, “Daredevil”)
She’s coming to your party with: House of Black and White Cookies
Where we left her: The Khaleesi just managed to escape a huge murderous slave uprising in Mereen thanks to a handy exit via dragon. Drogon is pissed and drops her in the middle of nowhere to go magically heal his wounds/snack on children. This blows for the Mother of Dragons, as she finds herself in the middle of an army of Dothraki who are all, “Khal Dro-who?”
Where we want to see her go: TO KINGS LANDING TO CLAIM HER BIRTHRIGHT. I have a sinking suspicion this will be a snooze of a season for Daeneyrs.
She’s coming to your party with: Mother of Ragoons.
Tyrion/Ser Jorah Mormont
Where we left them: He made it to Daeneyrs in Mereen against all odds – and then she splits on a dragon. He’s stuck with Ser Jorah Mormont, who is quietly succumbing to Greyscale. He’s still as dedicated as ever to proving to the Khaleesi that he didn’t sell her out, and he’s going to become a killer dust zombie along the way.
Where we want to see them go: Well, we know from the previews they find Daeneyrs’ dropped Dothraki royalty ring. So I hope they go get her so she is out of Dothraki captive limbo, and also hit a Center for Communicable Greyscale along the way. Or Ser Jorah goes back to Downton Abbey and gives everyone Greyscale for those weak-ass last two seasons.
They’re coming to your party with: Wine. Tyrion would just bring wine. No puns.
Where we left her: She got out of crazy monk jail by doing a walk of SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! with the help of a body double and a yelling nun. She’s still going to stand trial, she’s just on castle-arrest. She got home just in time for her brother/secret lover Jamie to be heading in with news that Myrcella, their daughter, has been murdered by the Sand Snakes in Dorne. So she’s in a great mood.
Where we want to see her go: This trial is going to be more bonkers than “The People vs. OJ Simpson,” especially if Queen Margaery starts confessing. Let’s hope Cersei brings in the Westeros equivalent of the Dream Team for her defense. If the incestuous affair does not fit, you must acquit.
She’s coming to your party with: Cersei Salt Caramels, the color of that Lannister hair. And also gold.
Where we left her: She was more or less tricked into marrying Ramsay Bolton by Littlefinger, who was supposed to at least be cool to her. Ramsay is the new Joffrey and life with him is not a fairy tale – but Theon Greyjoy gets his balls back (metaphorically) enough to help her escape.
Where we want to see her go: Somewhere nice, with a nice man who will be nice to her for at least a season. Sansa has been through the shit since her father died, and it would be really wonderful to just let her relax for season 6.
She’s coming to your party with: Reek Salad
Brienne of Tarth
Where we left her: She fulfilled her self-made promise to kill Stannis after he murdered Renly. In doing so, she lost Sansa – so now she’s screwed on that promise she made to her mother.
Where we want to see her go: To Star Wars Episode 8. Captain Phasma had to survive, right?
She’s coming to your party with: Baked Brie-nne of Tarth, of course
Where we left her: She rolled back into Castle Black with her tail between her legs after her sacrifice of Stannis’s daughter Shireen didn’t really win them the battle at Winterfell. Oops.
Where we want to see her go: Bringing Jon Snow back to life with her magic vagina smoke monster.
What she’s bringing to your party: Red Velvet, duh.
Where we left him: Dead in the snow. He’s dead! He’s not coming back even though he was filming season 6! He’s definitely dead! Don’t look at that man behind the curtain filming new scenes! He’s dead!
Where we want to see him go: Back to life, hopefully as a dope White Walker.
He’s coming to your party with: he’s not coming! He’s dead! But if he was to show up in season 6, he’d bring Song of Fire and Ice Cream Baked Alaska.